Sufferer Rage Ruining Everything

[Violet clover]

I found this forum while looking for help managing rages. They are like panic attacks, except with a strong leaning towards the fight response, and I feel completely helpless and terrified when they happen. I'm worried about it affecting my marriage negatively, as my husband seemed legitimately scared of me today after I started babbling about wanting to bathe in the blood of the unjust, and I crossed a new line today, throwing something at the ground in anger, which I didn't think I would ever do. It wasn't anything breakable, but it was the sort of thing my abuser used to do, and I didn't see myself as someone who could ever cross that line.

The more I try to make it stop, the worse it gets. For example, I managed to avoid yelling loudly this time, but the things I thought and said as I quietly sobbed with hatred were more violent and disturbing than usual, and I had thoughts of writing things on the walls in my own blood this time, which was a highly unusual thought.

Under normal circumstances, I'm an extreme pacifist. I'm generally perceived as a gentle and sensitive, soft-spoken, harmless person. I rarely cuss. I don't even squish bugs. I don't self-harm. I didn't even fight back physically against the kids who beat me up in school on a regular basis, or the man who repeatedly left me covered in bruises, threatened my life, and raped me many years ago, because I'm so fundamentally opposed to all forms of violence, and something at the core of who I am prevented it. I feel spiritually sick when the rages happen to me, and it worries me, because despite my usual strong will, I can't do anything effective to fight it when it happens. I say terrible things about wanting people to die, and I call them names I can't even bring myself to repeat. I don't feel at all like myself.

After I left my abuser, it took me over a year to realize I felt any anger at all, because all of my feelings were broken and dormant, but when my ability to experience my feelings returned, there was too much anger to contain and too much to safely express in any healthy way. I'm not even sure what a healthy expression of anger looks like. Mine just keeps coming out this way, and after the yelling, cursing, pounding the nearest non-breakable soft thing I can access, and making empty death threats to nobody specific, I often end up sobbing and hyperventilating in a fetal position on the floor, and the unsettled feeling can take several days to pass, during which I am extra vulnerable to having it happen again. It can take on normal panic attack characteristics near the end, especially if it happens when I am alone or when I am around people who don't understand and try to punish me for it.

How can I get my life back. I'm afraid to work at a real job, because if it happened in public, I could end up in jail or dead, depending on how it was interpreted and dealt with. I have to leave stores sometimes in the middle of shopping because I get triggered by things I accidentally overhear and it is all I can do to prevent it, if I am lucky enough to catch it in time. Even this takes a toll on me after I am in a safe place, and I tend to burst into tears and have worse nightmares than usual after such an incident.

One of the rages even happened at a child's birthday party once when I saw a little boy being emotionally abused by a very intimidating man. I confronted the abuser, then I felt my heart rate change, knew it was coming, and immediately rushed off to the most private area I could find and punched the sand until my hand couldn't feel it anymore while I cried and cussed as quietly as I could stand, but even thinking back on that incident makes me feel shaky, and I still feel an irrational fear/disgust toward anything that seemingly makes a reference to that person's first name, whether it pertains to him or not. I almost lost a friend who tried to convince me he was "really a nice guy" and that I was being mean to avoid him. (I avoid emotionally unsafe people. I have that right.)

What can I do about this, besides medication or therapy? I'm not comfortable with those options. I need it to stop happening.

 

[Friday]

First off, welcome to the forums :)

Secondly, therapy may well be uncomfortable, but a great deal less uncomfortable than in jail or dead, or having hurt someone -child or adult- because you've lost control. You're escalating in your rages. You know this. And your fears of what may happen, if/when you do lose control are very rational. You need help. You know this. Therapy is where you find that help.

Lastly, a very good place to start : Dealing With Anger

 

[Violet clover]

First off, welcome to the forums :)

Secondly, therapy may well be uncomfortable, but a great deal...

Therapy has always made it significantly worse and has never helped even slightly. One of the challenges is that I am very negatively affected by invalidation and victim blaming, and by anything that makes feelings an enemy to conquer. This is partly because I place a lot of importance on emotional authenticity, but also because every abusive person I have ever known has used the "you are responsible for your own feelings and reactions" bullshit as a way to avoid taking responsibility for the harm THEY caused. The moment I stopped blaming myself for the damage they created, I felt liberated from a layer of lies that had been preventing healing, and I'm not okay with undoing that progress. I do not have the ability to choose my feelings when other people hurt me, never have, probably never will, and that's okay. Most therapists use CBT, which is EXTREMELY harmful to me because it is based on the idea that my feelings are wrong and come from thinking stupid things, which is exactly the sort of terrible thing the abusers and their supporters said. The cure is worse than the original poison. I would rather die than tolerate that ever again.

I despise ideas like the ones in that link, and ended up breaking down into a sobbing, angry mess just remembering that people who believe that sort thing exist. It is the equivalent of telling a person with depression, "have you considered just not being sad?" and it is just as dismissive and destructive. I hope such ideas die forever and are recognized as revictimizing nonsense someday.

I appreciate your attempt at helping, but it made me wonder whether I should even bother looking for actual useful solutions here, if that kind of thing is tolerated and even encouraged as "advice" for people who are struggling and can't just turn it off at will. I debated whether I should even respond, because I fear that this will start an argument I'm not currently feeling strong enough to cope with, but I trust that you likely really do have my best interest at heart and weren't trying to intentionally hurt me. That's why I'm explaining this now instead of just giving up hope that this forum could possibly help.

 

[intothelight]

@Violet clover Welcome!

based on the idea that my feelings are wrong and come from thinking stupid things,

Personally, I found that CBT didn't involve the idea that "my" feelings were wrong, but it was about getting in touch with my own thoughts and feelings rather than defaulting to those that were imposed upon me. I was not and never have been "bad, worthless, or a waste of space" and it took time to keep myself from going there and to know that I am good and have value.

A good therapist doesn't minimize or invalidate.

 

[Ronin]

Therapy has always made it significantly worse and has never helped even slightly.

That was a bad therapy, bad time, bad therapists.

Don't let that discourage you :)

There's good ones. They have to be. Statistically. To balance out all that unhelpful mess.

So where haven't you looked yet?

 

[Ronin]

it made me wonder whether I should even bother looking for actual useful solutions here

Useful suggestions to solutions are useful to those that can see, and appreciate, their use.

Instead of outright dismissing any presented ideas.
Or reading of valid, and very thought out, guides through not applicable personal lens as if that was the tone those writings came in.

Try to read those guides as not judging you, in fact free of judgment, just describing mechanisms at play.
They're really not talking about any concrete poster, here or elsewhere. They are talking about well researched and experienced human tendencies.
And which ways of working with those tendencies can be helpful for recovery.

It's really not personal.

 

[Violet clover]

Useful suggestions to solutions are useful to those that can see, and appreciate, their use.

Instead of...

Sorry. I forget, especially while still upset, that we are all different, and for someone whose brain really does work that way, such advice would possibly be useful instead of upsetting or destructive. It is definitely one of the problems I have had with finding therapy, though. They all base their methods on assumptions I consider wrong and harmful, like the ones from the link. They can't imagine anyone who functions like me. Every therapist tried to start from the very incorrect and upsetting assumption that I was just choosing to feel these unpleasant and overwhelming things, and needed to believe things I do not consider true, from a philosophical perspective, in order to kill my emotional self and get better.

I wish there were a therapy where my feelings were allowed, validated, accepted, and where I could learn to keep them and direct them into non-destructive forms of expression. Trying to get rid of them is an awful lot like the emotional abuse that I've been subjected to by people who thought I was bad for feeling my rightful pain when they intentionally hurt me. I don't hate my feelings. I just don't want them to turn me evil or make me scary. I want to find ways of managing my reactions better. I can't control the anger, but maybe if I had better coping tools, I could figure out a better way to express it where it felt heard and satisfied, and didn't lead to violent thoughts.

 

[Silver.]

Violet, it may take a bit of "hunting" but you can find a therapist that will work with you in the way you want. It took me a long time, but I finally found a therapist who understands that talking about the past is not going to help me. She lets me talk about whatever I want to talk about and guides me so I end up feeling better and can cope better. I know it doesn't seem it right now, because you have to go through a lot of therapists sometimes that are just plain awful, or have outdated ways of treating people, or treat all cases the same because they don't know any better. It can get frustrating for sure. Keep hunting, ask for a meet and greet before you agree to become a patient, make a list of questions about their methods of treatments to ask them before you commit.
Lastly, I think the best advice I can give anyone is to find an outlet. Something to do when it all becomes overwhelming, for some its reading, writing, coloring or "arting", walking. Something that you can do, just for you, that helps you become *chill*. I hope you decide to stick around and give this place a chance. I joined yesterday and I am still finding so many people that are relatable, and so many great things to read. Best of luck x

 

[Ronin]

I wish there were a therapy where my feelings were allowed, validated, accepted,

Okay, for a start, do you know what forms of validation and acceptance do you need? In concrete ideas?

It might narrow the therapy methods that might help you, and then find therapist(s) skilled in those methods enough as to help with recovery.

 

[Violet clover]

Okay, for a start, do you know what forms of validation and acceptance do you need? In concrete ideas?

I...

I need the type of validation where my feelings aren't treated like the problem, where they are recognized as the most important part of who I am, vital to my survival and worthy of existing, and where I am not expected to be able to magically turn them off or change them at will. I need to avoid the typical "emotion vs reason/logic" false dichotomy that so many people believe in, and the "wrong thinking leads to wrong feeling" paradigm, as I do not believe in "wrong" feelings. I need to be allowed to feel authentically, and to be given ways of interpreting and reacting to those feelings that acknowledge their value and validity while also reducing any harm that comes from being overwhelmed and not having a safe place to direct them. I need something big enough to hold all of my pent up rage that I was pushing down for years and not letting myself experience, a healthy outlet that can express it safely for me so I can stop being disabled by its intensity.

I don't know what that would look like. I can't seem to imagine it in concrete terms. I've tried using my art to express it, which can help if I catch it in time, but that isn't always practical in everyday scenarios. The only thing that seems to help at all with reducing the need for cursing and having violent thoughts is being hugged tightly and comforted by my husband when it is happening, but that isn't always possible.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like Rogerian therapy, also known as client centred therapy might be helpful in that therapists are trained to accept you and what you bring, to work at your pace and help you find your own way through.

 

[Violet clover]

It sounds like Rogerian therapy, also known as client centred therapy might be helpful in that therapis...

I'll look into that. Thanks.