I Didn't Write It

[KeepingTime]

I came home from T (don't remember most of session not the ride home) and that evening I found an entry in my journal I didn't write. It's an electronic journal so no handwriting but it's also time stamped for that afternoon after my session. This is what it said. I removed names.

Wanna know a secret? Is it safe to tell you? She's asleep. I exist when she's asleep. I don't feel pain, hunger. I can drive. I'm always in the background. I am the default. I can wake her up if I need to. I can read. Take tests. Talk to her friends. Even be with _______ (husband). She calls (daughter) honey. I clean house feed the cats. I have memories but no emotion.
I drive home from the doctor a lot.
I don't think she remembers me. I leave her notes sometimes if it's something important.
Will you tell her I exist?

I didn't write this...or don't remember writing it but no one else has access to my journal and it is password protected.

I dissociate a lot. t knows and it's a topic of conversation and he knows I don't remember stuff we talk about half the time. He had mentioned that I have created a "parallel universe" where I survived. He said he can see when I dissociate. He can now recognize that my facial affect is flat, etc. he has never used the word DID or alters.
Just wondering if that is what this could be? I don't know who the "you" in this writing is referring to. For all I know t may already know this. I don't remember the last half of the session.

I'm trying to figure out how to bring this up next session. Or if I should.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I would bring it up in the next session. Do you share your journal entries ever? That might make it easier to bring up. Otherwise, I would say pretty much what you said here. That you have this entry in your journal that you don't remember writing and it's from after your session.

 

[KeepingTime]

T tomorrow. Just trying to work up the nerve to tell him about this.
My dissociation is getting out of hand. I am having self destructive episodes that I don't remember. I guess I'm just afraid that if I tell him one more thing I'm going to end up back in the hospital. I have managed to stay out for awhile.
I don't usually read my journal entry to t but I need to figure out how to this time. Or maybe it's just not that big of a deal and doesn't need to be discussed?

 

[Dissociated1]

I have come to know when one of my alters reaches the point they are comfortable to tell me something- a small fact, how they feel, something they want or need, share their world or knowledge of my System with me- that it is very important. Not only that I know but for them to tell me. Letting down the walls enough for us to communicate is a big step towards healing. The layers of meaning begin to unfold when I share what I have learned with my wife and therapist.

 

[Dissociated1]

My trauma therapist doesn't place alot of weight on diagnoses. She explained that dissociation is a sliding scale; from the way everyone tends to lose track of time when they are driving on one end, to full dissociative identities on the other. Her perspective is that therapy is about healing the scars of trauma. She would take as truth whatever frame of reference was comfortable for me to describe my experience of my own reality. In my case that takes a System of five alters, but talking about my reality is more important than trying to fit my experience into a point on a scale.

 

[KeepingTime]

Thank you. @Dissociated1
That makes a lot of sense. I'm not one to get hung up of diagnosis either in any facet of the medical world.
I didn't get very far in telling my t today. I was explaining an episode of lost time as t finds it helpful to track what I was doing right before or my thoughts so that we can deal with what is triggering these episodes. And I ended up knee deep in a dissociated state where I had apparently unleashed a memory. When I "came back" t asked me if I remembered the memory and I didn't. Uggghhh but t knows so I'm sure it will come back to me in time.
But what you said earlier about being comfortable enough for the walls to begin to come down, I think that is what is finally happening. So I'm sure it's a good thing even though it feels like my mind is crumbling at the moment. I have been seeing this t for a long time and I guess it is finally happening.
Thank you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

But what you said earlier about being comfortable enough for the walls to begin to come down, I think that is what is finally happening. So I'm sure it's a good thing even though it feels like my mind is crumbling at the moment. I have been seeing this t for a long time and I guess it is finally happening.

This is very much how I experienced things in the beginning. It's a long process and it can be scary or frustrating, but hang in there with all that is happening.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@KeepingTime oh hon :)

What ur describing is completely NATURAL for the situation ur dealing with .. in our experience (my husband is undiagnosed c-PTSD dissociative) my man FELT his mind was falling apart .. BUT in fact when "other insiders" start showing themselves, it's really evidence ur mind is COMING TOGETHER .. but it's such a paradigm shift and I can only relate insofar as I was formerly morbidly obese and lost 160 lbs .. which brought to the surface a lot of "hidden" wrong thinking I had been living by .. this tragically affected my FAITH which was my defined life .. so loss of certainty was initially very shattering to me .. but I know now this had more to do with my control over my life .. which was more a function of my own being-in-control than any real walking-by-faith ..

So my man had a "loss of control" awakening that was VERY jarring .. UNTIL he realized he could be THANKFUL for his internal others and build communication with them and eventually consensus and eventually ORDER and healthy functionality and I watch all this as HEALING ..

A shedding of past distorted shard/splinter-memory much like my shedding of excess weight .. MOST helpful is our journey of sewing up his different parts' memories into a cohesive narrative of my husband's life story...

Once a few years ago, before we really understood "dissociation" in any textbook sense, my then friend/brother/boyfriend found a journal entry buried in the blank new pages towards the back .. his "Grumpy" had written a huge diatribe against one of his neighbors with whom he'd been fighting at the time .. the handwriting was a MESS and very different, and VERY angry and punitive .. scary even :( .. but it was HUGELY important in helping us zero in on WHO his other parts were/are .. and as his sister/friend/girlfriend at the time, I KNEW "Grumpy" was as much part of this man I LOVED as the "normal" him I also loved. Grumpy was the strategizer, the "brave" one, the highly rational good debating and advising best friend who was as much responsible for my falling in love with this tender-spirited man as his "Middle" was ..

When HE realized I already KNEW and LOVED his "Grumpy" .. this was a HUGE "mirror" back to him to begin the journey of getting to REALLY know himself and ACCEPT himself and have RELATIONSHIP with himself .. "Grumpy" was GOOD too .. not some "evil" side of himself, he just didn't know how to have HEALTHY and self-controllable anger cuz not-every-threat automatically warrants a life-or-death response ..

Grumpy and Middle are now mainly co-conscious .. aware of each other, MOSTLY cooperative .. and as Middle grows in HIS ability to "handle" lesser threats well, Grumpy feels relieved he can just "sleep" more often .. that's all he really wants (so he says ;) ) .. in fact, what happens is .. the more Middle handles "threatening" stuff (like "emotion") WELL, the more "Grumpy" LIKES to "come out" and experience OTHER .. NON-threatening aspects of life, including intimacy with me as his wife. Grumpy has even changed his name to "Boyfriend" since we've been married. Cuz he's not so "angry" all the time ..

BEAUTIFUL to me .. I LOVE my husband, I'll stand WITH him no matter what .. now with 10 years together under our belt, my man is BEGINNING to believe I won't abandon him, and this is KEY for his internal cohesion .. cuz his Littles have been terrified I would leave cuz Grumpy would "break" us .. I ain't goin' NOwhere ;)

I hope some of our story helps u!

~WU

 

[Dissociated1]

"Grumpy" was GOOD too .. not some "evil" side of himself, he just didn't know how to have HEALTHY and self-controllable anger cuz not-every-threat automatically warrants a life-or-death response

the more Middle handles "threatening" stuff (like "emotion") WELL, the more "Grumpy" LIKES to "come out" and experience OTHER .. NON-threatening aspects of life, including intimacy with me as his wife...

Thank you for this!!! It may be the missing link I have been struggling to find. I am most closely coupled with my Protector but know the least about him. He only comes to front when triggered and leaves a trail of dead bodies behind him. There are no boundaries to how much he makes the others in the System suffer, what he says or what he does. If winning at all cost is the goal, he’s the man you want on your team. I have slowly come to know (Fight Club analogy) he is my Tyler Durden, the part of Self that contains my sexuality. Animalistic and crude but the best he learned how, staying within the limits that were acceptable for my child alters.


Since my child alters became self aware, my Protector has bottled any thoughts of sex so far away in my mind I seldom even masturbate. As I progress in my recovery I am gradually beginning to understand his rage and confirm his feelings when he is triggered before he takes any action to “protect.” And I am finding his reaction is less intense for having been listened to, for having his feelings (although not necessarily his intended response) validated and for knowing someone cares. Perhaps as he begins to trust, my Protector may also "'come out' and experience OTHER .. NON-threatening aspects of life, including intimacy."

 

[KeepingTime]

Thank you @JEKBreatheandBelieve. What I don't understand is this isn't the beginning for me. I'm 10+ years into therapy. Not all we're dealing with trauma work but wouldn't this all have come out sooner?

@WhisperingUnicorn thank you for sharing your story with me. Such a beautiful story of support for your husband. I hadn't even thought about how my husband would handle it if I had to tell him there are other "parts" of me. But I suppose he already knows that since he will ask me my name before being intimate. And I hadn't thought about this as it seems to be falling apart might actually be coming together. :)

This is a lot to take in...a little overwhelming. T is gone for over a week so just trying to sit with all of this until then.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Not all we're dealing with trauma work but wouldn't this all have come out sooner?

I think it's strange how it all unfolds. I think it's different for everyone. For me, it came out after I had a car accident and it was just too much too hold all that other stuff from my own awareness, I guess. It's been interesting for me to look back and say things like "Oh, now I understand why I didn't feel like I had any control in that situation" or "Oh, that makes sense now why I am afraid of...". It's so complex.

 

[markymark]

I came home from T (don't remember most of session not the ride home) and that evening I found an e...

I have learned to have "family meetings" with my alters. We have all agreed that when anyone places a journal entry, it must be in their own handwriting to truly identify the author. The only exception is one alter is a four-year-old child that doesn't know how to write, so his helper does it for him.

Just like an alter's unique features, voice, and gestures, handwriting is extremely helpful for identification. A good therapist knows how to handle each identity. But they need somthing that confirms who their dealing with.

Try a meeting and suggest they always use handwriting.