Relationship Fell Fast And Hard For Combat Veteran

[JaneDoeEyes]

From what I have been reading, it seems a lot of other people have gone through exactly what I'm going through. I've fallen hard and fast for a combat veteran. From an outside perspective, he appears to be doing quite well in his daily life. He is very committed to his career and life in general. He has been officially diagnosed with PTSD and is taking medication. At least knowing that he is seeking help and treatment, and recognizes that he has this problem is a small comfort to me. I know that there is still a long road ahead, and I have accepted that.

Personally, I have struggled with depression myself for about a decade. The only reason I mention it, is because I recognize symptoms of PTSD as things I've done myself. Isolation, feelings of self doubt, feeling undeserving of love, etc. I've been there and I get it, and I know that not everyone can find it in themselves to love someone, and let someone love them. Over the years, I have learned how to cope with it and how to compartmentalize things. I almost feel like, falling for him has helped me feel less selfish, and that there are people out there that have been through worse, and need help too.

Anyway, as to why I'm specifically here...this relationship is pretty new, and I suppose I wanted to vent/have someone to talk to about what's going on. Things moved pretty fast, we developed a pretty intense connection very quickly. He is everything I could ever want in a partner and more. He did tell me about the PTSD pretty much right off the bat, but as time went by, I'd notice things he said that were just kind of...off. Pretty much just different versions of "why me?" and asking why I felt so comfortable with him, and that I'm "too good to him." We've talked very little about his time in the military, and I don't want to bring it up. I don't want to bring up bad memories for him, but I have expressed that if he ever needs to talk about anything, I would just listen.

He ended up disappearing for about a solid month. He only returned my texts once, and was very short with me. Not mean, but just very short answers. I figured that he needed space, and tried to accept that he may never contact me again. He did, and during that time we became even closer. He really opened up this time about his feelings for me and his wishes and desires. I guess it was too intense for him, because he's isolating me again. On top of that, we are kind of long distance. It's not very easy to see him, but I've managed so far. He wants me to come be with him, but if I can't come immediately, he starts to shut down. I'm sure you can understand that I don't want to make the arrangements to do this, to just have him disappear...What if the reality of being together is too much and he shuts me out? I just don't know. More than anything, I want to show him that I care for him and won't leave him, as long as he doesn't want me to.

I'm not sure what to do.

 

[WaveRunner]

Hi friend,

Your situation is identical to mine. It is so hard because I can imagine the advice you've received (although well-intentioned) falls into one of the following categories:

1. Forget him. It's BS.
2. Run!
3. You have a long road ahead of you.
4. Why would you want to be in a relationship like this?!
5. Be open and sensitive.
6. Set some boundaries.

I have no answers. I'm relocating to where he is but tomorrow is one month since we last spoke. He said he needed space (we are long distance...how much space do you need?). I am at a complete loss. I worry about him, I love him, and I hope he's ok.

This last break-up (a month ago) is one of three break-ups in the last year; Three additional disappearing acts. I *LOVE* him...he is incredible. And I feel loved back. But sometimes, I think they have bad moments. And our needs take a very distant backseat.

The best thing I've read (and advice my guy gave to me) is no matter what, take great care of yourself - whether he's near or far. He and I discussed marriage and forever together. Now I'm in limbo between "will he come back?!" and "how many breakups can I endure?!"

Good luck....and any advice for you and / or me in this thread is so welcome. I love him and I only want the best for him - even if it means I have a few wonderful memories with a beautiful person whose needs I just cannot accommodate.

 

[JaneDoeEyes]

I'm sorry to hear that. I truly hope things work out for you. I am a pretty private person, so I haven't really discussed the issue but with one close friend. And yes, they essentially told me that I need to think long and hard about this, and I agree. But every relationship will have its ups and downs, hardships, and struggles. Unfortunately, ours have started early on, but I believe that's just life.

I think the hardest thing for me has been the total lack of communication when he isolates. If he at least told me he needed space, it would be easier to cope. The limbo is tough, and I'm sorry you're going through it too. I'm just trying to stay busy, and take care of myself like you said. How can I ever take care of him if I can't take care of myself? I think it's a good lesson. I don't have any children, so I believe it's a good lesson to be able to care for someone when life isn't perfect on your end.

 

[prayerwarrior]

it is tough being a supporter, Waverunner and JaneDoeEyes. That is what I am, with a friend who is a combat vet with PTSD. short term advice is to read everything you can about PTSD, and take care of yourself. You can't fix the sufferer, they have to do that for themselves, but you can support them, and it can be tough. It's hard not to take things personally when they isolate, or if they get too stressed or have triggers. I and my friend get together a couple times a month, and we talk about anything and everything. When he talks about his therapy, or his nightmares, or anything PTSD related, I just listen. It helps him to talk it out. my friend is comfortable talking to me about it because he trusts me. I don't try to give him advice, unless he talks about quitting counseling. I don't want him to quit the counseling, it's helping him, and I told him that. He didn't quit, and he's had some breakthroughs, which is good. It requires a lot of patience, a lot of love, and a lot of selflessness. I won't lie. It's hard. Good luck, and keep posting on these forums. the support here for us supporters is a wonderful thing.

 

[WaveRunner]

Girl...yes! I am private too! Actually, I had a huge, novel-length post I began around the time you were writing your first post but I chose to delete it because it was too much.

I, too, am very sorry for what you are both experiencing and feeling. I can agree with you regarding the communication breaks and isolation. Whats hardest for me is just missing him and knowing he's maybe hurting in his heart. He lights my world up with his big, sweet heart. I wish I could take his pain away.

One thing you said that I also related to was that yes...people with PTSD have their struggles but I feel that they are less "discreet" (for lack of a better term). For example, I think we all know there are people out there who aren't that honest about who they are. Then a year later you realize they were a bad person. These guys aren't bad guys...they just have a hard road. I can sign up for someone who is forthcoming.

I am sure you've circled through this site but earlier, I read an article about a woman who said her husband never stopped isolating BUT they were able to come to an agreement:

1. He tells her when he needs to go off the grid. She loves her life while he's gone.
2. She won't contact him unless there's an emergency - and then he has a right to give his opinion on the situation.

Maybe to some people that's crazy but I could learn to live with that. I would struggle worrying he'd always come back though. To me, that's more honest than some other "arrangements" and marriages out there.

Stay strong. You seem to have a sensible handle on things. You know I'm your heart what's best

 

[WaveRunner]

it is tough being a supporter, Waverunner and JaneDoeEyes. That is what I am, with a friend who i...

Hi PrayerWarrior!

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You seem really far in your friendship and experience with PTSD. One of my gf's suggested I just maintain a friendship with my guy but I'm not sure that's possible.

From your side, what is going on in their sweet hearts? is there any piece of advice you wish people in relationships with the person should know?

 

[WaveRunner]

*I meant to say she LIVES her life....not "loves" her life.

 

[prayerwarrior]

I read that post too, Waverunner, and that is a great way to handle things. My Vet went into isolation mode in late march for almost a month. he's come out of it finally, which is good. he told me pre isolation phase that I would need to contact him, to call him or text him, as he doesn't reach out to others. Not even his family. So I do. I will text him a few times a month, send a greeting card, give him a call. He has started reaching out to me on his own initiative, which is huge! makes me smile all day when I get a text that he initiated. Stay as strong as you can and do things for yourself too.

 

[WaveRunner]

I read that post too, Waverunner, and that is a great way to handle things. My Vet went into isol...

Oh wow! Ok good to know. I hope your vet is ok. These are such special people. You are both in my heart and prayers.

 

[prayerwarrior]

My vet was friends with my husband and other mutual friends. He would come visit my husband when he was dying from cancer. We started hanging out together 8 months after my husband died. going out to lunch a couple times a month after I got out of church. He would just talk and I would listen, then he started talking about his PTSD, his nightmares, his experiences, how it made him feel. He says he is filled by darkness, and is working his way to the light. He was a serviceman for over 20 years, so he has seen a lot of bad sh*t, and it took it's toll on him and his marriage. somehow, through our lunch conversations, he now considers me one of five close friends, the only people he considers friends, everyone else he knows are just acquaintances. when he went into his isolation phase, I took it personally at first, then I realized he was isolating from everyone. Once he came out of that, I decided I needed to educate myself on PTSD. I work through my church as a grief share facilitator, having lived through the deaths of my mother, husband, and father in the space of four months in 2014. so I have a lot of empathy and l have learned to just listen. Its only been since april that I have been learning and reading about PTSD. I have only scratched the surface and only have the experiences with my friend. I have leaned a lot from reading the posts in the forums. This has been a great find! I need to tell my vet that his PTSD doesn't scare me at all. the next time I see him face to face I will...

 

[prayerwarrior]

thank you, Waverunner. As a Christian, prayers are always welcomed! I will pray for you as well. :-)

 

[WaveRunner]

My vet was friends with my husband and other mutual friends. He would come visit my husband when...

Oh my gosh, PrayerWarrior! You have been through so much!! Major kudos to you - and of course to your friend.

I can semi-relate to your loss. I lost my mom in my early 20's and it blew my family apart. I have often felt alone because of it. But it seems like God gave you experiences and you made positives out of them.

When I read what you're writing in this thread, it makes logical sense to me. However, when you're in it, it is difficult not to take it personally.

I cannot imagine what these guys have seen. My vet said something similar about the darkness. I wish I could transfer everything in my heart and head into him. I've made some mistakes and I have lashed out when I did not understand that it was the PTSD taking over and I feel AWFUL. That's what led me here...better awareness and understanding.

Thank you so much!

Also, JaneDoeEyes ~ I didn't mean to take over your thread. You're really brave and you inspired me.