I regressed this weekend....as usual i fled. drove for hours, crying.

[cupfish]

I got triggered Sunday. The reason is immaterial because it's the zillionth time I played out this dysfunctional scene with my husband. As usual I fled, drove for hours, crying....feeling again like I belong nowhere, won't ever land in a secure place, and can only endure life until God says I am done. WHY?? WHY?? Why do we work so hard to heal and still get kicked -- hard -- for no reason? Why has my life been a sentence and not a journey? How can I simultaneously be so sick and be expected to function in this world? Why do I have to mask my illness and keep up a brave face instead of finding a path without pain and anxiety and worry? My life has been one long worry! You cannot take time off from this disease, it's your little friend for life, there to ruin your chances at normalcy. Damn my parents for doing this to me. I was a BABY when it started and it never ends. Thanks a lot, well done. My ONLY certain purpose is to not pass on my illness to my kids. If I can do this, no matter where else I fail or struggle, at least my life won't have been a waste.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

(((((((((CUP!!!)))))) Oh how you hit on it. Why is it so hard, fight fight fight and end up still there? Life a sentence and no journey! I am alone, no partner and I always think how nice it would be to have a partner, but even then, it is not always so good....
Yes, focus on the kids. You are so lucky to have kids. They will love you like no one else. Look at their baby pictures and remember that feeling when you first held them.
Cicero (and Seneca) say at the end of our lives, all we have are our memories and we SHOULD focus in on them. Do you have good memories you can focus in on for this day? Screw tomorrow for now. Just get through this day.
I will be sending you warm thoughts. Let's try to get through this day together because it sure is hard for me, too.

 

[cupfish]

Yes I do have some good memories and I want to respect them by keeping them in a safe and happy place inside, but that is also elusive. The good memories are balanced by the bad ones, and by the memories I have lost due to PTSD blackouts of horrible events that can pop up again any time, recovered from the shitpile from whence they came. So it's 2/3 bad or forgotten vs 1/3 decent memories BUT when I remember good times from my kids' early days they get clouded by the divorce that followed.....or of funny family moments growing up, followed by Dad's psychotic breaks. Yes today is hard. I try so hard to be positive. SO SO HARD TO BE POSITIVE, and not to drag down my kids or spouse. What a terribly lonely disease this is. :(
Thank you for answering and for referring to Cicero and Seneca -- there are a lot of intelligent ppl on these forums...

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, it is. Yes, I try too. (((((((((((( @cupfish )))))))).

MC Cupfish .. ;) :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Chem Lady]

Hug.
Sometimes there aren't good words. Only a hug will do.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking @cupfish , would it be regression? Or being triggered proper? What you are triggered by IS important. Especially identifyong laer the core, & why it's important (or raw).

I was thinking, cbt is way too late in the process (ideally) to regulate emotion when triggered.. better to recognize something is coming, physically, if possible..

Sometimes I think it'd be best to have a cue card that asid, "I'm likely triggered! I have to flee! I'm sorry!" & not impose sel-thoughts or self-condemntion, when we probably aren't highly equipped at that moment for the first, & likely later to feel the second in response.

:hug:.

ETA, those times (& generally) I'm really ffected by whta is external, & I can't process or self sooth well, if at all. I think it also comes from having to read the environment/ people. Add in internal blame (including post) & I'm pretty much putting out or avoiding fires (or responding to them).

Please be kind to yourself. I hope your H understands.

 

[cupfish]

Thanks everyone. The week progressed, it's Friday. I don't know if I regressed; maybe it was a "good" trigger because I have learned how to overcome the worst parts more quickly? 2 days lost, not 2 weeks....?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

FIRST: get rid of the dysfunctional spouse. THEN: start kicking your poisonous family members to the curb. You will feel lots better. :tup:

 

[cupfish]

FIRST: get rid of the dysfunctional spouse. THEN: start kicking your poisonous f...

Spouse can stay. Family members have been kicked to the curb, spot on