Have You Ever Been Exposed To Radical Acceptance As A Course Of Therapy?

[user27357]

Two years back my wife and I went to a marriage counselor that wanted to see us both separately at first then together. She kept preaching radical acceptance to me, like I had to learn to live with my wife's unsafe and irresponsible actions, the inability to communicate effectively, the repeat offenses against our marriage and broken promises by the dozen. I walked away but she continues to see my wife, and for a while there 2 times a week, all without a diagnosis that has been shared with her. No goals, no plans for treatment, just talking.

I think she is a block, taking up the space where a better counselor could do some good. I think she just frankly isn't very good and my marriage is getting worse waiting for her to get somewhere or for my wife to realise that they aren't getting anywhere. I think they are friends, I think she is cashing in on the friendship without any concern for the job she was hired to do or the lack of progress.

The broken promises and outright lies continue, the unsafe behaviour continues.

I am seeing counselors, in fact I have seen 4 different ones in the meantime, while my wife clings to this one.


Is radical acceptance a useless idea outside of dealing with a disease or an unchangeable circumstance? does it apply to a marriage or any relationship other than employee/employer to a degree? I think we are being scammed by a bad therapist that read a book she didn't fully understand.

What do you think?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is radical acceptance a useless idea outside of dealing with a disease or an unchangeable circumstance?

In this circumstance and this one alone (as I think there are many things we must accept), you do not have to, nor should you, accept poor behavior. No matter the diagnosis, or lack there of, we are all responsible for our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors and if that includes breaking marriage vows, Id say "get a good therapist & on a good therapy plan or Im gone" (but thats just me and marriage vows. Im rather "cut & dry" w/ them as that is how my mom met my step dad, by adultry).

Anyway, she is responsible for her behavior reguardless of a therapist or not. You dont have to accept anything.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is radical acceptance a useless idea outside of dealing with a disease or an unchangeable circumstance?

Radical acceptance is all about accepting those things which you cannot change. So it would apply to accepting that your marriage is the way it is. You don't have to like it. You just have to accept that has these problems you have listed out. It is in no way saying it's okay. Now in this case, you have the power to decide how to react to that acceptance. Will you take continued steps with working with your wife to try to solve the problems even though it doesn't seem like she's ready to, will you accept that you can't change the behaviors and decide that you'd rather live with the behaviors and with your wife, or would you rather live without your wife because you cannot accept her behaviors. It's accepting what is. Accepting what is real. At leas that's how I understand it, but it's a tricky concept.

 

[ms spock]

Can you report the therapist for unethical behaviour? What is the professional association that she belongs to?

@JEKBreatheandBelieve pretty much nails "Radical Acceptance" in how I am learning to be with it more.

I found that this is a good resource to go over the complexities of Radical Acceptance.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_part_1.html

 

[joeylittle]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve did a kick-ass job describing radical acceptance and what it's for.

It sounds like you want a lot of change to happen in the relationship; those are things that need addressing. You may apply radical acceptance temporarily as you navigate the changes, but if that's literally all this counselor is advocating, I'd think you don't have the right fit for you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Based on what you've said I think

1) you're dealing with a mis-application of the concept of radical acceptance

and

2) this therapist may indeed be crossing ethical boundaries


Radical acceptance is about simply accepting what you cannot change, whether it be something you cannot change right now or something you cannot change ever.

It is not a concept that is to be used in order to excuse bad/abusive behavior not is it a concept that is meant to hinder progress/change.

In your case------

You would accept that there are problems in your marriage. You would accept that you have played a role in the current state of the relationship. (Which it very much sounds like you've done.)

Your wife would accept that she's lied, broken promises, and engaged in unsafe behavior. (Is she even admitting to this?)

(You both accept the truth of things in your relationship. You both accept the current status of your relationship.)

Radical acceptance is used to move from the state of denial into a state of reality------accepting the truth, but not excusing it.

And then------only after both of you are willing to accept the current status of your marriage and accept your roles in what has happened, THEN can things start to improve.

Radical acceptance-----accepting the truth of what is at this current moment.

So really------I think you're suffering needlessly at the hands of a therapist who doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't understand radical acceptance in the least.

Your only recourse IMHO is to play hard ball at this point, insist on a new therapist for both of you, and go from there. Reporting the therapist won't result in much more than a note in her professional file. i think your wife may indeed be under the influence of this bad therapist, but in the end it's your wife who is refusing to change.

 

[ms spock]

Reporting the therapist won't result in much more than a note in her professional file.

I would disagree with this strongly - if a young person is ever involved 15 years old - and she is reported for unethical behaviour that might assist/help/facilitate some actual action - if his wife is the first one that gets reported - then nothing much might happen - but equally she might get better supervision or be asked to attend some personal development - they might say to someone asking "I don't think it is a good idea to refer someone to to her - often there are flow on effects in an organisation that are not visible to outsiders. The other thing is if she has 10 reports on her file or another incident, if she garners up some more reports - there will actions and in that case someone's life might be saved in the long run.

Not everyone has the energy to report I get that - but suggesting to not do it because it might not have an effect is not helpful. I was 15, if people had bothered to report these psychologists for their prior stuff maybe something better could have come about for me.

i think your wife may indeed be under the influence of this bad therapist, but in the end it's your wife who is refusing to change.

But it is not an equal power relationship - I was physically, emotionally, sexually and financially used by psychologists - I was so desperate and needy from extreme emotional, physical and sexual assault that I experienced at home that I had no ability to take myself away from unsafe people - in fact it took a very long time to see that they were unsafe to me. One of those psychologists used me for over a decade. There are professional rules and bodies in place for a reason - vulnerable people need to be protected.

If this psychologist is using his wife to meet some of her own needs then she is using his wife and his wife might not have the skills to recognise this if she has a background of trauma from childhood. Even a traumatised adult may not have the ability to protect themselves.

I don't think that blaming someone who is being exploited is good form. She is the victim. Blaming the victim is not helpful in my book.

 

[EveHarrington]

I would disagree with this strongly - if a young person is ever involved 15 years old - and she is repo...

LOL.

I stand by what I said.

And I'm not victim blaming. Please stop labeling things which you do not understand. It perhaps would be better for you to simply ASK if I'm victim blaming rather than to make incorrect assumptions.

And, I am an American speaking to an American based on personal experience with the American system.

Please put me on ignore as the only time you ever engage in conversation with me is to refute what I say, disagree with me, and so on. I really don't understand this communication style or what your beef is with me. I will do the same.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am an American speaking to an American based on personal experience with the American system.

I would report the therapist as well. The system does suck and much may not happen but something may and likely neither wife nor husband would know about it but a therapist practicing unethical behavior shouldnt go unreported.

There is a medical board and again, not a perfect system, not by far...likely the suckiest system but staying mum does nothing. Speaking up may do nothing but it has a possibilty of doing something.

 

[qwyoey]

How many times did you meet with this therapist? How do you know there are no goals for treatment? I'm concerned that you say "I think" a lot but these aren't things you know. What you do know is your wife has privately seen her for two years. You aren't satisfied with her progress and you seem to think it's the therapists fault. But can you say that? I don't personally see any ethics breach specifically mentioned in your post.

You mention seeing 4 different counselors and that your wife is clinging. I don't think the number of counselors matter and this seems an unreasonable criticism.

If your wife doesn't have a problem with her therapist, how do you foresee the outcome of reporting this therapist for your marriage?

 

[user27357]

OK, I am not a victim here, I played a role in this marriage falling apart to this level. I chose to accept that my wife will say anything to appease someone rather than deal with confrontation, including out right lies and making promises she has no intention of ever following through on, but instead of saying "My values are much different than this person, I have to leave her for my own sanity", I stayed and raised my kids and am now supporting us both. (Her employers haven't had to uphold any vows, now she is basically unemployablee and seeking disability)

I see Radical acceptance as having some value when the thing you are accepting is unchangeable, like a prison sentence or a disease or the weather or a bad smell eminating from a local feed lot that was there before you bought your house. I don't see it as applicable in a human relationship unless it is a tool used to allow you to stay in a relationship that you are better off in than out of, like an employee/employer relationship or, as in my case, being held to a vow of marriage and threatened with spousal support and alimony if I divorce.

I actually practice radical acceptance just to be able to drive in traffic when all i see is death and horror on the roads, from my time as an EMT. I am better off to just get in the car and drive rather than let my better judgement keep me from ever venturing out on the road again. I have learned to accept this lifetime sentence of fear and anger and reoccurring memories of death and carnage on the roads I drive everyday in order to survive. But I still see counselors, hoping for a better way of life, most of us do.

I can't see reporting this person as being an answer. My wife would resent it and it would probably do nothing to stop someone else from seeing her in the future. Unless I hear of a crime, the bad judgement and poor practice have to go on without my intervention.

Basically, unless I can get my wife to accept another counselor, I am stuck in this rut with little hope being offered up to me. I am pushing her to see another counselor with hopes that a better counselor will help in the work of pulling the wool off of her eyes and dropping this waste of parchment, but I am not hopeful it will happen. As of now, her maximum out of pocket medical deductible has been met so any counseling is free until next year.

So, i do the only thing I can do to remain sane (?) here, I make her promise to do the right things and not do the wrong things and try to have something I can go elsewhere and do until I am calmed down when I find out she has done the opposite. Being mad at her only makes her more willing to lie to me, thats another bit of wisdom I got from this so called therapist.

I guess I should give up- pretty radical, huh?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Being mad at her only makes her more willing to lie to me, thats another bit of wisdom I got from this so called therapist.

I doubt her therapist said to lie but when someone is upset at me which is my biggest trigger, I also will not be fully honest because thats going to make the more mad at me.

I have a HUGE question for you. What are you doing to make the relationship better? You've spoken only of things she does which you have no control over but what are 10 ways you can better this relationship? Relationship is a two way street and each person can always do things to make that relationship better no matter the issues.

And there is a ton of assuming going on that her counselor is telling her to do this and that, say this and that, think this and that...but what if her counselor is doing her thing and counseling an individual person on individual things? Are you making it easy for her to tell you the truth? Are you being empathtic of her needs, wants, desires as someone in therapy too?

Just questions to ponder as I can see this as my ex and I. I and my mental issues was the issues per him when in reality he was abusive. Not saying you are but in the words of Dr Phil "no matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides".