My Fault Somehow

[Casey_03]

I had the most painful realization of my life today. As my baby's father continues to terrorize me and talk about how he's going to get sole custody, and continues to generally seek conflict and stress me out, I realized that really, if I were just out of the way my baby would not have to experience this. If I were to just give in and give the abusive father what he wants, there would be no more conflict, the baby would not have to grow up around conflict, and maybe he would genuinely be happier. All if I would just step aside and surrender. And give him up. The baby I fought so hard for all this time.

 

[Pencil]

Get a grip on yourself!

My story: I had two sane sisters, and one insane sister, as well as one spineless brother. My parents as well as my two sane sisters have died. My insane sister tried for 7 years to destroy me. Yes, literally. She tried to destroy me. And she used my daughter in the process. For 7 years she approached the police, social services, my daughter's school, the church, my friends, my enemies, my landlords, with stories of what a sick and disturbed person I am and how my daughter needs to be removed from my care as her life was in imminent danger. She obtained 2 court orders to have my daughter removed from my care and placed in her care. Both court orders came to nothing following investigations into our circumstances by social workers. We were subjected to FIVE investigations by the authorities.

Seven years later, and a court case that lasted nearly a year, I have a protection order against her, which stipulates, among other things, that she may not approach any institution, private or governmental, to institute an investigation into the welfare of my daughter.

It cost me a huge amount of money, it took an enormous emotional toll.

Your # 1 purpose on this earth is to protect your child. You can't afford to have such a defeatist attitude. You owe your child much, much more.

 

[Friday]

Aaaaaaaand it's time for the DV Anthem

:singing: ...It's all my fault...

I know. It would be 1,000 times easier if it were all your fault. If you were somehow the cause of him being an abusive and bullying bastard, so he'd magically turn into a decent person who wouldn't bully and abuse your child if you weren't there.

Aaaaaaand lets not forget the refrain

:singing: ...it wasn't that bad....

I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, and profoundly sorry. But it isn't your fault that he's an abusive and bullying bastard. And no, there is nothing you can do to make him change. Not by being "better" not by being "gone" & not by any of the 10,000 ways your mind is trying to exert control over a situation you have no control over. Otherwise known as him.

:singing: ...but you don't understand...

I can't, I have to, it isn't, I'm not, he isn't really, I know, he would never, I mean, if I weren't, but..
...It's all my fault... It wasn't really that bad...it's going to be okay...I'm not stupid...I'm not being fair...he really means it this time... It's going to be different... If I don't...:cry::arghh;:inpain::mad::hungover::speechless::D

:dead:

 

[digger]

There were times with my ex where I really believed it would never be resolved without one of us dead. And yes, there were also times when I was so exhausted and worn down and it all felt so hopeless and damaging that thoughts about how it would be better if I just stepped aside and gave custody over to him came up.

These thoughts will come up. Acknowledge them, reality check them, and get back to the fight.

if I were just out of the way my baby would not have to experience this. If I were to just give in and give the abusive father what he wants, there would be no more conflict, the baby would not have to grow up around conflict, and maybe he would genuinely be happier

How about if the abusive father wasn't being an abusive prick your baby would not have to experience this? How about if you just gave in and gave your child to an abusive prick without a fight and your child grows up with a whole heap of internal conflicts instead stemming from feeling that you gave up on him and handed him over to someone who you knew to be an abusive prick?

 

[Casey_03]

Oh I didn't say I was giving up. I don't intend to. But yes, there is a realization deep down that, as unfair as it is, if I just got out of the way the conflict would stop and the baby would have more harmony. I know it's not really my fault (just couldn't think of a better title), I've done nothing wrong. But I am the target/source of all the rage, and it is affecting my baby even now. And the more I resist him, the more it'll work against me in court later. If I protest and try to block him, that'll work against me. But if I don't, he may very well take my son from me. So just by putting up resistance and trying to keep boundaries, I am inciting more rage from the abuser, rage that the baby can sense but shouldn't have to. None of it's fair, it's profoundly unfair that an abuser can behave this way and suffer no consequences. Again, I don't really think this is my fault. I just think that I am, unfairly,the source of all the rage here. And it's a painful realization to think that just by fighting for what is rightfully mine I am allowing the conflict to continue.

 

[Pencil]

I just think that I am, unfairly,the source of all the rage here.

No, you're not the source, you are the target. Big difference.

 

[greenleaf]

The baby would be the next target, with no protector. Abusive people always want a target and will look for a vulnerable being, the abuse seems to be part of what they do to deal with their own internal hell, so until they deal with their own stuff (very rare) they "need" a target.

The baby really needs you, and you deserve a wonderful life where you can work on harmony of many sorts -- with yourself, your baby, and with others as you build a good life without that abuser. You have a lot to offer your child too!!! You value harmony, your values are good.

 

[Heather]

Your baby wouldn't have More harmony...... from what you've written about this guy... he's abusive, manipulative and pretty messed up in the head. you're gonna hand over your kid to someone like that?

Come on....... Can you imagine what your baby would grow up learning? From someone who is clearly a despicable human being for the way he treated you while pregnant and continues to treat you now.

You need to fight for your child....do whatever it takes. for his emotional well being as well as yours.

 

[Justmehere]

, if I just got out of the way the conflict would stop and the baby would have more harmony

That's what HE wants you to believe. It's nonsense.

No, you're not the source, you are the target. Big difference.

Exactly.

Your baby is better off with you there at least enduring this with him.

You are his mother, and no matter how good or bad the dad is, let's put that aside for a moment.... (and I agree with others, he is awful and he will simply find a new target, likely your son, if you leave the picture. Harmony does not happen in this guy's life and if your son was not the target of new abuse directly, he would surely continue to live a life being surrounded by even greater conflict.)

The loss of a mother affects children in HUGE ways, even when the father is near perfect and there is harmony in all the other relationships in the child's life. There is no way that whatever conflict there is and whatever impact that has on the child - that this outweighs what would be the lifelong impact of the loss of attachment to a mother. Especially with a mom like you.

The child's father is a real jerk for trying to take this child's mother out of this child's life. That is far more damaging to the child than any disharmony between you and him.

Babies don't develop failure to thrive from interpersonal conflict between caregivers, but babies who lose caregivers, like a mother, can die from loss of attachment alone. They can have all their physical needs met, but if that attachment need is not met, babies can develop failure to thrive and die.

That's how important you are, even when things are not perfect or even going well. This child needs his mom.

It may not seem like it right now, but this guy has gotten into your head and you are thinking some things that he wants you to think that are simply not accurate.

This is what is true:

You are an amazing mom. Your son is gaining so much from having a mom like you who fights for him and for what is best for him, day in and day out. That is going to help him so much in his life. You are doing a great job.

I'm sorry the father is being such a jerk as to try to deprive his son of his mother. That's horrible! Only a horribly abusive person who does not care about a child would try to deprive them of a mom like you. Things are difficult right now, but the source of difficulty is not the fact that you are continuing to be the best mom you can be to your child. Children who have a safe parent who is there for them through tough circumstances can weather crappy stuff that happens to them better than children who don't have any such figure in their lives.

You are not only not at fault (like the title of the thread says), but your continued relationship with your son is an asset, and will help him grow up to be a resilient adult.

I've been following your posts and you are doing a great job through very awful circumstances. Your son is so lucky to have you. :hug:

 

[greenleaf]

Your baby wouldn't have More harmony...... from what you've written about this guy... he's abusive, man...

Definitely! Taking good care of yourself, working to get healthier and as far as possible from the abuse, will help your child too. Your child could then understand later in life that they are worthy of protection, and you value them enough to keep fighting. Helping yourself be healthy is also a good model for a child.

I'm sorry the abuser is really hard to avoid in all ways, they definitely can try to wear people down... so please keep getting support. Getting more support and putting yourself and your kid around good people who treat others well, is such a good model for kids to see. I wish my mother had done that.