scout86
VIP Member
You could look at it as a chance to practice dealing with empathy instead of anger? :)
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Lying In Therapy
- Post starter Suzetig
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- #14
Yep, I know that's what she would say too - so much easier said than done.
I think I might draft an email to send to her nearer our session time to at least get it out of my head. I can decide then whether I actually want to send it or whether I'll wait and talk to her. Part of me would rather send it, let her get her initial reaction out of the way but part of me feels I should really face the music. I know I'm being a baby about this, I should just tell her and have it over with but part of me is really anxious, despite knowing what she's like.
I think I might draft an email to send to her nearer our session time to at least get it out of my head. I can decide then whether I actually want to send it or whether I'll wait and talk to her. Part of me would rather send it, let her get her initial reaction out of the way but part of me feels I should really face the music. I know I'm being a baby about this, I should just tell her and have it over with but part of me is really anxious, despite knowing what she's like.
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- #15
Sideways
VIP Member
Your first post says it all. You could just write her that...
And maybe doing it in person would be a good experience. Worst case scenario, she's disappointed, and you get to experience someone being disappointed but sticking with you, and staying trustworthy, regardless. That might be a helpful experience to have?
More likely scenario - you get a compassionate response. Given your level of shame over this issue, if it were me? Dealing with a compassionate response would be really confronting, but also really good for both me and the relationship.
Sometimes it's easier when people get angry, because we know all about that. It's consistent with our internal shame. It doesn't throw off our core beliefs. Getting compassion can be really hard to swallow - for me, I never feel like I deserve the compassion. But allowing people to express compassion, even though it's uncomfortable, helps nudge those nasty core beliefs along the recovery path just a little each time.
And maybe doing it in person would be a good experience. Worst case scenario, she's disappointed, and you get to experience someone being disappointed but sticking with you, and staying trustworthy, regardless. That might be a helpful experience to have?
More likely scenario - you get a compassionate response. Given your level of shame over this issue, if it were me? Dealing with a compassionate response would be really confronting, but also really good for both me and the relationship.
Sometimes it's easier when people get angry, because we know all about that. It's consistent with our internal shame. It doesn't throw off our core beliefs. Getting compassion can be really hard to swallow - for me, I never feel like I deserve the compassion. But allowing people to express compassion, even though it's uncomfortable, helps nudge those nasty core beliefs along the recovery path just a little each time.
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- #16
I did write the email last night but think I'll probably talk to her in person.
One of the things I'm finding difficult is knowing that she'll still be ok with me. Actually I think it's the first time I'll have gone into a difficult conversation where I've done something "wrong" being able to predict how she'll respond and knowing the relationship will be ok. I'd usually walk away rather than try to fix things but I know she'll be ok with me and for various reasons it feels important to try and change that pattern of assuming the worst and walking away.
I guess that's where for me relational therapy is very healing, but very difficult, because it gives me the opportunity to change very ingrained patterns borne out of trauma. So I can feel myself fighting the instincts that come with fear and shame while feeling secure enough to face it now. But oh my goodness it's hard work.
One of the things I'm finding difficult is knowing that she'll still be ok with me. Actually I think it's the first time I'll have gone into a difficult conversation where I've done something "wrong" being able to predict how she'll respond and knowing the relationship will be ok. I'd usually walk away rather than try to fix things but I know she'll be ok with me and for various reasons it feels important to try and change that pattern of assuming the worst and walking away.
I guess that's where for me relational therapy is very healing, but very difficult, because it gives me the opportunity to change very ingrained patterns borne out of trauma. So I can feel myself fighting the instincts that come with fear and shame while feeling secure enough to face it now. But oh my goodness it's hard work.
scout86
VIP Member
I'm glad you said that about "assuming the worst and walking away". I hadn't really thought about that as a pattern that might not be based on accurate information.
This would not be something that would occur.
I know it feels- impossible- but if you've had a good working relationship I think she would be glad you said so, & you're obviously very sorry. It's hard to do though. :( :hug:
Is it lying to withhold info?
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- #19
I know, she's the least harsh person I know - actually writing the email really helped because I wrote in it all the things I was scared of happening when I told her and realised none of it actually would. I think it has way more power for me than it will for her.
Not lying to withhold information as such - in that it's not to hide trauma or anything like that. Actually it's something that, in hindsight, I would really have valued her support in but convinced myself early on that she would judge me so I didn't say anything. I do regret that so much now.
Not lying to withhold information as such - in that it's not to hide trauma or anything like that. Actually it's something that, in hindsight, I would really have valued her support in but convinced myself early on that she would judge me so I didn't say anything. I do regret that so much now.
If you can I would tell her that too.
By the sound of it everything was pretty overwhelming. :(
:hug:
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- #21
Yeah, I really wasn't in a good place at the start and it's taken a very long time for me to have confidence in our relationship - for the longest time I thought if I told her the truth she wouldn't want to work with me.
I had a really lovely but very hard session with her last week which has left me feeling more sure of her so I think I can bring this now.
I had a really lovely but very hard session with her last week which has left me feeling more sure of her so I think I can bring this now.
Maybe your ashamed and afraid of telling your therapist because those were feelings you had when you were young and did something wrong. Maybe, you were beaten? And the fear stems from those issues? You said you had a good relationship with your therapist,right? Well, do you really think she/he will even yell at you? I don't think so. I think your therapist will want to know why. And how it makes you feel to tell he/she now. I vote for you to tell he/she because the torture you're going through in not telling him/her seems worse.
I_will_recover
Bronze Member
@Suzetig
:hug: From me and unsolicited advice :cautious:...
Tell your T even if via email. Unburdening some of that shame will feel good (afterwards) regardless of the outcome. And, the fact that you've reached a place were you need to and can reveal will speak volumes more to your T than any omission/half-truth/lie you've told. For your T it can be a welcome acknowledgment of how hard you've worked to get to that truth "together".
:hug: From me and unsolicited advice :cautious:...
Tell your T even if via email. Unburdening some of that shame will feel good (afterwards) regardless of the outcome. And, the fact that you've reached a place were you need to and can reveal will speak volumes more to your T than any omission/half-truth/lie you've told. For your T it can be a welcome acknowledgment of how hard you've worked to get to that truth "together".
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