Self Perception

[Tinyflame]

Does anyone think it's possible, to change how we view ourselves by letting go (by decision) of what others have said (abuse etc), & concentrating on others' good things said to & about us?

I don't mean the process proper of practising, but making that initial decision. Is it a 'milestone', a change of thought or change of heart?

If you have done so, others have said it about family or toxic ex's, how did you do it? Was it simply a choice? Were there steps? How did you deal with self doubt?

I have a tendency to take things to heart (& soul/ identity), albeit negatives rather than positives. I am very soft-hearted. :(

 

[Anrish]

Thank you for opening this thread. I think you put on a very important topic for most of us because many got so used to the negative sayings of others...that the internalized them.

I think it's possible to change the view on ourselves...or about what others said. I sometimes call it "overwriting old memories". I experience something positive in a similar situation like I did in a negative memory - and I somehow delete the negative feelings connected. It is not always possible to keep up the positive view - but it eases one's mind a lot.

It also helps to write down the positive things others told you - so you see them in front of you. Just hearing them, you'll mostly say "Yeah, yeah..." and get back to your old negative thinking. So write down "I'm a good person. I don't have to be perfect or know everything"...etc. ...look at the phrases, say them out loud. My T often makes me say stuff like that until I don't laugh of flinch anymore; I often have to repeat it several times - but it's possible and ...I can feel a change inside myself towards more confidence.

 

[Altbenji]

I think that making the decision to start forcing the let go is a good place to start. Nothing but time, and change of perspective, can truly make a dent in the process. I have found that the thoughts and actions of others, including, but not limited to isolation, can have devastating effects on any person. But, I don't think a person can just wake up one day and choose to not let it affect them. It is a hard, slow process. I find, personally, that a few solid, trustworthy people can become magnificent anchors in this process. When you start to think about the injustices and trauma and damage that has happened, it is hard not to sink into that darkness where you constantly question yourself. You question your judgement. You question your morals. You question your strength. And, sometimes you even end up questioning your sanity. When these moments happen, you have to find your anchors. And, eventually, you have to recognize the difference between needing constant validation and an occasional jerk back to reality. Validation doesn't always help when we are at our weakest. Sometimes is can lead to an unhealthy dependency that pushes our anchors away. I have found that the key to this balance is to let them reassure you, and to take a moment to reflect on their words. Truly listen to your supporters in the same fashion you expect them to listen to you. I wish you the best luck, and am always around to gnaw on this idea.

 

[Friday]

If you have done so, others have said it about family or toxic ex's, how did you do it? Was it simply a choice? Were there steps? How did you deal with self doubt?

In a word : Discrimination.

As in choosing who I listen to, how much weight to give their words/actions, & what -if any- to take onto myself.

It's something I talked about in rather more detail than I'm able to right at the moment here... Exaggerating Self Blame ...& ties very much into : Hard lesson learned: a pat on the head is only worth anything if the right person is doing it. Not all negative attention is bad. Not all positive attention is good. I need to discriminate. Place value where it belongs.

Learning to use & exercise my own judgment is a huge part in learning to discriminate.

Judgement. (noun). The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

• Synonyms: discernment, acumen, shrewdness, astuteness, sense, common sense, perception, perspicacity, percipience, acuity, discrimination, reckoning, wisdom, wit, judiciousness, prudence, canniness, sharpness, sharp-wittedness, powers of reasoning, reason, logic; savvy, horse sense, street smarts, gumption.

And also talked about a bit in this post, the rest of which doesn't relate, so I'm just yanking the trust component from it ;)

Another: I was really proud of myself for having maintained "my ability to trust"... Until a very dear friend of mine pointed out the obvious: I "trusted" the whole world. Whoops. Because trusting everyone is the same as trusting no one. There's no discrimination, no personal accountability, and no self trust. (Because if I trust everyone, I'm not trusting myself to make varying levels of judgements against people: deciding if they're trustworthy or not, and to what degree I am going to trust them). My judgements had become so compromised, and I was so afraid of being "wrong" it dumped all my own personal accountability in everyone else's lap. It's not my fault. I'm not responsible!

Here's the kicker. The reason I was compulsively handing over the "blame" onto everyone else... Was that I was actually blaming myself & unable to place blame where it needed to lie.

All a very big tangled web.

Once I was able to discriminate ... Person A I trust to this level, Person B to that level, Strangers at Nil until I got to know them... And to have those levels fluctuate (like so and so is grieving, so I'm going to lower their trust factor for awhile because they're not entirely rational... Or this person is consistently showing that I should be able to safely place more trust/responsibility on them)? I was also able to trust myself enough to
- let go of blame that wasn't mine (that's on them)
- see how certain things built up / decide they were "worthy" of attention
= my world got a whole helluva lot more shades of grey in it.

...
PS Sorry my brain isn't working too well at the moment & I'm having to link stuff instead of just tell it straight, but it's like my ability to think in linear fashion fell off a cliff and landed badly.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it is possible to change self perception and I guess for me there are two parts to that. The first is the logical, cognitive part where I can challenge what others have said and consciously choose to think something different (eg look for evidence of what they've said and discard if there's no evidence).

The second has, for me, been much harder and still is because it's the part that rewrites those messages in my heart and soul. I guess it's moving the part that "thinks" I'm an ok, worthwhile person into the part of me that "knows" it, not in an intellectual, congnitive sense but in the same way that I "know" I'm to blame or that I'm worthless. That is changing though, as I take in the care and love from other people, take risks in relationships etc. and as I try to offer myself compassion and challenge myself to be kinder to me. I do see my self concept changing, which is both lovely and scary at the same time.

 

[Deleted member 541]

When someone would say something about me in a negative way, inside I would die a little bit more. It bothered me to my core. I use to ruminate over it for days, weeks, months. If it was really bad, I would become suicidal. Then I had a "light bulb" moment.

1) most of the time it was projection on their part. More about them than me.
2) I learned that it really wasn't any of my business what others thought. We all have opinions of people, wether they be good or bad, everyone has opinions.
3) I simple learned to give a rats ass what others thought.

Yes, sometimes I slip and it might bother me, but I let it go, as I've learned that it's "healthier to let it go".......

 

[Abstract]

Good question Junebug. So good to see you asking it and hope you can start to throw off all the crappy falsehoods.

I agree with many things mentioned here. I think the first step for me was realising I don't have to take others opinions on board and that they not be true. Or manipulations rather than opinions as sometimes things said are merely that. Then the judgement thing was very big and important for me. I in fact realised it was actually a good things for certain people to disapprove or feel negatively about me. None of their values were mine and I didn't want to be on a path that they approved of. Others could be guaranteed to react in negative ways and that was entirely about them. No reason for me to give what they said any weight. I also started trying to allow myself to start absorbing the good from those I respected. I had a filter before that that filtered out all good.

Thats all the cognitive aspect of it. Then there is the connection aspect of things like Suzetig mentioned; and the active practicing aspect of it. There is something truly healing when a person you respect sees the truth about you. I think that's one of the magical properties about places like this. Building and practice is about two things - one is identity or boundaries (work on these helps this stuff as if we are more centred others can't knock us so easily) and practice can be through methods such as affirmations. Repeating the truth to ourselves in any way possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Anrish , @Altbenji , @FridayJones , @Suzetig , @She Cat , @Abstract , thank you so much for your responces, I appreciate them very much and see a pattern in them. I hope to come back & do them justice, including the other thread @FridayJones (and no worries, I think in a linear way- linear like a pinball machine. :rolleyes: )

I just have to rest for a minute, & I'll come back.

 

[Tinyflame]

many got so used to the negative sayings of others...that the internalized them.

I think very much so.

overwriting old memories

Not sure I understand @Anrish? Does the new memory mirror the old, but is positive instead?

write down the positive things others told you - so you see them in front of you

I think this is the only way it would work for me. Thank you so much. Haven't been able to tolerate positive affirmations yet, from 'myself' I couldn't hack yet.

can have devastating effects on any person. But, I don't think a person can just wake up one day and choose

Perhaps the choosing comes in recognizing what is (un)healthy. No denial about it?

it is hard not to sink into that darkness where you constantly question yourself. You question your judgement. You question your morals. You question your strength. And, sometimes you even end up questioning your sanity.

OMG , yes ^^^ exactly.

Truly listen to your supporters in the same fashion you expect them to listen to you

That means a lot. It's logical. I don't really have conventional supporter(s). But a friend who counsels who's tried to anchor me. Has anchored me.

am always around to gnaw on this idea.

Thank you. It's come to my mind because what I hear (positive) is very disparate to the internal dialogue (that grew from bad experiences).

As in choosing who I listen to, how much weight to give their words/actions, & what -if any- to take onto myself... Here's the kicker. The reason I was compulsively handing over the "blame" onto everyone else... Was that I was actually blaming myself & unable to place blame where it needed to lie...
Learning to use & exercise my own judgment is a huge part in learning to discriminate.

Yes Friday I so don't trust myself. And maybe can't bear well making other people 'wrong'. :(

The second has, for me, been much harder and still is because it's the part that rewrites those messages in my heart and soul. I guess it's moving the part that "thinks" I'm an ok, worthwhile person into the part of me that "knows" it, not in an intellectual, congnitive sense but in the same way that I "know" I'm to blame or that I'm worthless.

Yes I do hope you're feeling it change. I understand what you mean.

1) most of the time it was projection on their part. More about them than me.

Yes I need to take it to heart that there's some times it's possibly more a reflection of how they're feeling

I agree with many things mentioned here. I think the first step for me was realising I don't have to take others opinions on board and that they not be true. Or manipulations rather than opinions as sometimes things said are merely that. Then the judgement thing was very big and important for me. I in fact realised it was actually a good things for certain people to disapprove or feel negatively about me. None of their values were mine and I didn't want to be on a path that they approved of. Others could be guaranteed to react in negative ways and that was entirely about them. No reason for me to give what they said any weight. I also started trying to allow myself to start absorbing the good from those I respected. I had a filter before that that filtered out all good.

Me too Abstract. ^ . I think it's mostly been manipulation/ cohersion.

There is something truly healing when a person you respect sees the truth about you. I think that's one of the magical properties about places like this. Building and practice is about two things - one is identity or boundaries (work on these helps this stuff as if we are more centred others can't knock us so easily) and practice can be through methods such as affirmations. Repeating the truth to ourselves in any way possible.

I think that is true, the most powerful, anyway.

I can tolerate (positive) feedback now (I think?, seem to), not self-affirmations yet though.

Thank you all for your help. :hug:

 

[Anrish]

Not sure I understand @Anrish? Does the new memory mirror the old, but is positive instead?

Sorry, sometimes my English ain't good to describe such stuff. That's how I meant it.

It is the experience that a situation you once feared can also contain positive feelings - so you can put aside the old negative one and use the new one instead whenever you'll face that situation again.

Take your time and actively practise it. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @Anrish that is very clear! Thank you. :hug:

I know some people here have said (to others) some thoughts/ self-beliefs are indicative of unhealth ( they re unhealthy thoughts. I agree.) That's the direct way to say it. So I think I must try. Ultimately it's up to me to try. No mtter how healthy/ unhealthy others are around me. Especially if it's killing me (not said with drama, just factually, leads to justifying SI, etc..)

I think I have to actively choose it, just as some guy was saying on the radio this morning about committing to checking out or commiting to staying. And choosing accordingly. I do think that is fueled much by perception of myself. So I have to choose to filter as @Abstract said, surround myself with positivity, challenge the thoughts & the source, not allow things to weigh so heavily on me, but also work on my toxic thoughts about myself.