Exaggerating Self Blame

[Tinyflame]

Ooops cross-posted. You are so sweet @sun seeker , xox. :hug: :hug:

 

[Friday]

Link Removed, to me from here, you are a great example of someone who doesn't do what I am trying to get at in the OP. At least when it comes to taking things personally and exaggerating them, which is what I'm doing. You seem to have a solid enough sense of who you are to not be swayed so easily. But, like I said, it looks like that from here, I can't say what it feels like to be you!

LMAO. I used to take everything personally. I don't now most of the time. Or the better way to say it is I still often DO, I just don't care most of the time. When I care? I'm gutted.
Or enraged. Or both.

But it was a bit of a process. Not one I'd recommend, however. Jumped from one extreme to the other in a single bound, and I sometimes snap back to my original with little or no notice. I actually had to backtrace with this stuff (and yeah, that links right up into where you went with your communication posts!) to sort of meet in the middle most of the time.

One thing that helps? (Not in a good way) Absolutely no one can beat me up as thoroughly as I do myself. I'm a monster. I know it. And most of the time I'm okay with it. Like I said... I wouldn't recommend that particular process.

 

[sun seeker]

Or the better way to say it is I still often DO, I just don't care most of the time.

How can you take things personally but not care? Honest question. I don't get it, but I'm interested.

Absolutely no one can beat me up as thoroughly as I do myself.

Yup. I'd bet most of us can relate to that one.

It's interesting though, when I replied to @shimmerz's question about whether the problem is what I will think of myself or what others will think of me? I was dead serious when I said there is no difference between the two. I've been thinking about what that indicates. Some crossed wires from very early infancy is my guess. Is that something you can relate to at all? I guess I'm kind of seeing you here as a token "person with later trauma who had a good childhood." Hope you don't mind!

 

[shimmerz]

I used to take everything personally.

The 4 Agreements; Miguel Ruiz. Changed my whole way of thinking on this. Nothing is personal. We have no idea what people think of us and it is none of our business. I may be jumping ahead, but thought I would throw it in as it really changed my inner scape on this whole thing. I was the queen of taking things personally.

 

[shimmerz]

Some crossed wires from very early infancy is my guess.

I guess the question is, is it possible for her to be led to a more grown up viewpoint? Not a huge jump, but a tiny bit?

 

[sun seeker]

is it possible for her to be led to a more grown up viewpoint?

So far, it doesn't seem to be. The consequences of getting it wrong are too devastating.

 

[sun seeker]

We have no idea what people think of us and it is none of our business.

It is when others are going to hurt us based on what they think of us.

 

[shimmerz]

Or, it could be said like this:
It was when others were going to hurt us based on what they thought of us.

I feel like I am pushing. I will completely back off at this time. Much love my friend.

 

[sun seeker]

It was when others were going to hurt us based on what they thought of us.

Yes, people keep telling me that. "That was then, now is different."

No, it isn't. I don't think this is based on the past. It's reality. My hypervigilance makes absolute sense to me based on the present. People do react based on what they think of us. And I am insanely sensitive to how people react.

The only thing I can see changing that is if I didn't care what other people thought or did. If I were less vulnerable. That feels like a long way away.

 

[seedling]

My version of this is that I can't try to identify any fault or bad behavior in someone else without a voice saying in my head "but don't we all do that so some extent?"..... Kind of like letting them off the hook for bad behavior because I wouldn't want to judge them for being "only human."
Then I go into a spin examining and scrutinizing any tendencies of my own to be the same way that I was "judging" them for.

It doesn't help when I am trying to identify toxic behavior in others that I don't want to be a part of. I end up at "oh well, I guess I can be like that too," discounting all my positive traits and seeing the other person as just fine.

An example of this would be when I try to examine my mother's behavior to me as a child. I want to be able to look at it and be aware of what was negative about it and why. Then, just before I accept the internal reality that it was negative, I flip to seeing how it carried over to me when I became a mother and I start let her off the hook thinking "I can be that way too."

I've, finally, come to realize that I am different from my mother in that I apologized to my children when I knew I had screwed up. And I displayed MANY other different positive behaviors toward my children that my mother never modeled for me. My mom continues to believe she raised us the "right" way and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I tried to learn new ways because I wanted something different with my kids.

Is this a way to keep myself from the truth of how painful it is/was to be around some people and accept their poor treatment of me?

 

[shimmerz]

No, it isn't. I don't think this is based on the past. It's reality.

Okay, if you insist.

 

[seedling]

Maybe it's like: everyone can be manipulative. The difference is what you do with it/about it. You see that you don't want to be that way. Just because it's possible in a certain situation for you to demonstrate manipulation doesn't mean that it's going to seriously damage your life and relationships.

Other people may not be interested in being aware that they are manipulative or may be consciously trying to be manipulative. You are not like them.