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Childhood I don't know if I'm exaggerating - Struggling to come to terms with past experiences

SophieBernstein

Confident
I was a happy, social and extroverted kid in my early childhood but when I was five it changed. I guess that was abused from an 6 years older kid. He told me that if i sucked his penis he would do something i wanted. At first I refused but them he insisted and I just did it. I was so embarrased and also I didn't undertand what was happening, them my father asked me and because of my dishability on that time to say no, I said the truth. I've never seen that guy ever in my life but in the street because it's my neighbor.

Then, me and my older brother started to see porn together on the familiar PC when I was 7 and also imitating it. It was like a game but throgh the years we just keep doing it and I started to realise i didn't wanted to do this anymore. On the one hand I wanted to keep going but in the other I wanted to stop until I did it. That happened when I was 10 or 11 and he was 13 or 14. I always have tried to keep it out of my mind and to refuse that was true by dissociating it or saying it was just kid stuff but when I was 18 I saw it in a different way. We never talked about It but one day when I was depressed on bed, He came drunk and told me " how can you be so depressed with the desire i have on you" and he started touching my neck. I was paralysed. Then, the other day he asked me if wanted to do that again and I said no. I was stunned and also shoked.

Since then, i don't know what to think about what happened when we were younger, if that was abuse, if was stupid, if my brother is a nymphomaniac... I'm lost with this. I know i have nightmares and flashback from this but I don't know if I'm just a drama queen, I don't know what to think.
 
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You're not a drama queen and it's not surprising the past is present in your mind given that your brother has wanted to have sexual activity with you now in your present.

Are you safe now?
I.e do you still live with your brother?
 
He is living in other city now and he has never do or say anything since that day. So yes I'm safe.
The problem it's that I feel at the same time fear and love from him. And also I don't talk about it in T because it makes me mad.
 
I was a happy, social and extroverted kid in my early childhood but when I was five it changed. I guess that was abused from an 6 years older kid. He told me that if i sucked his penis he would do something i wanted. At first I refused but them he insisted and I just did it. I was so embarrased and also I didn't undertand what was happening, them my father asked me and because of my dishability on that time to say no, I said the truth. I've never seen that guy ever in my life but in the street because it's my neighbor.

Then, me and my older brother started to see porn together on the familiar PC when I was 7 and also imitating it. It was like a game but throgh the years we just keep doing it and I started to realise i didn't wanted to do this anymore. On the one hand I wanted to keep going but in the other I wanted to stop until I did it. That happened when I was 10 or 11 and he was 13 or 14. I always have tried to keep it out of my mind and to refuse that was true by dissociating it or saying it was just kid stuff but when I was 18 I saw it in a different way. We never talked about It but one day when I was depressed on bed, He came drunk and told me " how can you be so depressed with the desire i have on you" and he started touching my neck. I was paralysed. Then, the other day he asked me if wanted to do that again and I said no. I was stunned and also shoked.

Since then, i don't know what to think about what happened when we were younger, if that was abuse, if was stupid, if my brother is a nymphomaniac... I'm lost with this. I know i have nightmares and flashback from this but I don't know if I'm just a drama queen, I don't know what to think.
I understand you so well, you basically described what happened with my brother an I. Only for me it started when I was 10 and ended when I was 15. After I told my parents it stopped. He had done nothing for 3 years. I started to slowly get back to normal and had started to forgive him (for he was just a kid back then too).

But then he f*cked up again. I caught him standing at my desk, filming my pc. He had sneaked into my room, searched my pc for sexy videos and pictures of me and when he found them, he captured them on his phone.


I can imagine that your brother saying
" how can you be so depressed with the desire i have on you"
to you when drunk, being a similar slap in the face.

I hate my brother, I really do. But there is a part of me that loves him too. I hate that I cant hate him.

How do you feel about your brother? Can you hate him?
Also, what do your parents know about you and your brother? And how old are you now?
 
How do you feel about your brother? Can you hate him?
Also, what do your parents know about you and your brother? And how old are you now?
I'm so sorry that you experienced this. It's hard because you still love him. I guess the best thing you could do is just cut your relationship with him – no contact, no more new pain.

I can't hate him, not exactly. I dissociate a lot, so we are like two to three parts, but not all the time. It happens for months, but then we integrate again. I know one of them hates him a lot, but the rest of the time is just so messy and blurry that I only know I try to stay away from him, but I don't know what's exactly on my mind.

My parents know that things happened, but they don't know what things and how many years it happened. I'm 21 now :).
 
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