The idea of "self-blame" in trauma and how it relates to "control"

Ecdysis

Sponsor
So, I think many of us have heard from T's that the reason we evoke "self-blame" for traumatic events is because the brain prefers "control" to a lack of blame...

That never made a whole tonne of sense to me until today... I was just writing something about death in another thread:
I think it's a compulsive attempt to figure out "how I can prevent death and illness and suffering"... I think that's what my brain is trying to do... Like if I just search hard enough, then I will find the miracle power that means I can prevent death and other bad things from happening...

I can see why my brain is desperately trying to find this solution... Cos that would be so comforting, wouldn't it...? And to face up to the vulnerability that none of us can do that... None of us can actually prevent harmful things happening... That feels so raw and so helpless and so painful and so vulnerable...

So my brain would rather have it be all my fault cos then I can figure out how to do it differently and then I can beat death and prevent all bad things...
And I've just realised that I think it's the kind of magical thinking that obviously children engage in, but that I think we all engage in to some degree in terms of our own mortality and the possibility of bad things happening in life...

We all constantly tell ourselves that if we do "everything right" then "everything will be okay"... If we eat fruit and veg, and get checkups at the Dr's, then we can preven things like heart attacks and cancer...

And so on and so forth... All the million things we "do" to make sure that things will be "okay"...

And as we muddle through life, that more or less works out for most things... Eating fruit and veg and going to the Dr's does prevent a lot of preventable illness...

And I think we like to kid ourselves that everything falls into the category of "preventable".

But of course it doesn't...

And those of us with trauma know that for a fact, very viscerally...

But I think the idea that we are "powerless to stop bad stuff happening" is so awful, so scary, so daunting... that we literally try to banish this and will instead obsessively look for the "tiny thing" that we could have done differently that could have prevented the trauma... If only we'd left the house five minutes earlier or later that day... If only we'd taken a different route to work... If only, if only, if only... then that car accident wouldn't have happened...

And each of us can find those things for our trauma... Those typical "victim blamey" things that other people pick out too, in their attempt to kid themselves that "trauma is preventable" and that if they always do everything "right" then they can prevent trauma happening to them too... You know, that "she shouldn't have worn a short skirt" type crap... Like, yeah, if we all stop doing those tiny "could have done it differently" things, then there would be no trauma and no bad things would ever happen to any of us...

So, I've never understood that thing T's say about "the brain craves control more than it craves not being at fault"... but I think I do now... My brain almost wants there to be some minor or major thing that I did wrong that led to my trauma, because then if I can avoid that one thing, then magically, I can avoid all trauma...! And I will be safe for ever more...

Evolutionarily, I think that makes a lot of sense... That animals are programmed this way... That when something traumatic happens... That they work out what they "did wrong" (went too close to a bee's nest, didn't see the snake in the bushes, didn't listen to the snap of that twig...) and that it's burned into their memory to make sure they will avoid this thing at future and never, ever forget it again...

And I can see where it goes wrong and becomes a ridiculous mess of over-thinking and self-blame, when there "is no real thing" that led to the trauma, when it's just random trauma... If you ate some black berries before an awful storm which led to terrible flooding, then no, it's not the black berries that are to blame... I can see how brains can get into a messed up obsessive loop of "looking for what caused it" in a frazzled, desperate attempt to prevent it from ever happening again...

So, to me, it's not that self-blame is so much related to "control"... Rather, self-blame is the logic by how I can potentially have the magic power to prevent death, trauma and all-the-bad-things...
 
I'm not sure for me it has ever been about control and never have I had a sense of certainty about really anything but rather for the deep yearning for prevention of what occurred past and what by consequence I struggle with in the present? Which isn't exactly the same thing, more like re-writing the unbearable past. As even if we could have managed to do things differently, we wouldn't know the outcome. But there's a chance the outcome would have been better than what it was at that point in time. The uncertainty of knowing if we metaphorically turned another corner there is a certainty it would have been in some way different, but no certainty an alternative would have been better in avoiding what occurred or contributed to a desired- (read required to live without so much pain and loss or guilt or shame)- outcome. The moment after one realizes the moment was an unnoticed or unacted on pivotal decision. That for me carries regret, guilt and shame. More like a failure than control. Not trying or doing or failing vs controlling the outcome. Would it have made a positive difference? Probably not. But one never knows if you didn't try or didn't do or didn't say or didn't notice in time. Is it still blame? Idk, because it is what it is and the past cannot be rewritten. But it is regret and the sunken feelings that go with it.
 
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So, to me, it's not that self-blame is so much related to "control"... Rather, self-blame is the logic by how I can potentially have the magic power to prevent death, trauma and all-the-bad-things...
Yeah I get this, and maybe it's a type of control.

The way I see it is self blame makes it 'easier' to try and manage. If it's my fault then I can be better and it will be better. If it's my fault it keeps happening then something is wrong with me because I'm not being better for it to stop. And because it's my fault I'm making these people do these things, because it's me. I feel completely shit anyway so it makes sense that this shit feeling is because there is something wrong with me that makes these people do these things.

That was my thoughts process.
So one person might see that as control (T's mostly it seems like!).
But I see it as self hatred and ways to cope in a situation with no control.
I think the things that come after that as control. Like, hypervigilence and the behaviours of decidibg things for other people, deciding their thoughts and feelings and making decisions about me and then from that, rather than asking and hearing them. My expectations limited to trauma then can control me and others. If that makes sense?
 
I think we like to kid ourselves that everything falls into the category of "preventable".
i usually rankle at the use of the royal we, but in this case, i gain an evening's worth of advertisements floating through my brain. insurance, new laws, medical maintenance plans, disaster planning, etc., etc. here in the industrial world, we put our money where our mouths are.

for what it's worth
i believe the sense of control i get from self-blame is that i can control myself to a much greater degree than i can control others. same fallacy, different target.
 
always seeking for solutions to problems is the root of this evil for me. If I can't have a clear explanation of what happened, how will I be able to foresee it happening again? Whos fault was it? what can I do about it?
It falls that I cannot do anything about other peoples actions so I just avoid them. As for my own actions, yeah, I can analyze and correct if I find blame in them, and I will if I look closely enough, long enough.
So yeah, it happened. Whos fault? they are dead, cant correct their actions anyway. But my own? Sure, what did I do wrong? After 50 years, I still blame me cause I am the only one left.
 
@Ecdysis not sure if this is helpful, but after being where you sound like you might be (seeking understanding, especially for my own reactions or beliefs, and clarity), I can only say as eye-opening as such things felt to me at the time (and they are in terms of challenging cognitive distortions), I have found the only thing that has provided healing in my heart over time is listening to others, and moments of actual empathy for myself of where I must have been at the time (because anyone would be given that basic who wasn't me, or I would give them). I know I can't change all my reactions in real time, but I can stop and try to let go of the same old thoughts about them going forward. An opportunity of sorts.

I think just as it is very hard to accept a positive compliment, it is hard to take on faith words or assessments of others that indicate a lack of blame or actual empathy. And like most things, I think actions speak most loudly. It is hard to challenge distorted beliefs that seem to be supported by more physical evidence. But it is also important to look at context and evidence to the contrary. For example, if the last words you had with someone you love were a disagreement, do you really think that was how they were thinking of you, when it was one of so many moments in time? (No. It actually kind of does them a disservice to make them so 2 dimensional) So to go forward is one part faith that you have the right or even obligation to allow yourself happiness and focus on a new way of living and thinking.


Best wishes to you.
 
ETA< I am sorry I missed the edit window. I don't mean to infer I'm invalidating your feelings @Ecdysis , and I know this is the Cognitive Distortions category and hence how to pick them apart. I only meant (just speaking for myself) it takes me a very long time for what is in my head to go to my heart. But that is where or perhaps when I find changes come more effectively or stick better. (It might be very different for you.)

Good for you with the processing! Not easy and be gentle with yourself. 🙂👌
 
I see this as less about control and more about safety. Most people find the idea that the world is unsafe terrifying- but it is really unsafe. When you experience it as being so deeply unsafe there are two routes of thinking you can go down - 'there's something wrong with the world' or 'there's something wrong with me'.

I think for most people on this site we have been traumatised first as children- and developmentally, to understand how unsafe the world is and how fragile we are would stop us from taking the risks we need to take to learn how to live in the world. Children and so fragile and dependent- it would be devastating to understand that fully as a child. (Personally I was deeply confused about whether it was me or the world, and honestly- when I thought there was something terribly wrong with me it was easier to handle than when I thought it was the world. You can change yourself, you can't change the world).

I see believing 'if i do x then i'll be safe' as a form of bargaining with an unsafe world. To not be trying to find safety would be unbearable, so people take what they can get.

For what it's worth, I think it's possible to take the teeth out of this way of thinking when societies actually change. When you name an injustice and work to eliminate it, you don't have to bargain like that anymore because you truly understand you were not to blame.
 
If it’s my fault? I can fix it.

= Core Belief I’ve yet to find a workaround for. So I still knee jerk towards it for ANYTHING I want different.

Poverty, Starvation, Insult, Injury, Death, Pain, Loss, Grief… I CLAIM it. Me. Mine. MY FAULT. MY RESPONSIBILITY. MINE!!!

It’s not rational. Nor actionable, in most cases. I still attach myself.

The life of a control freak.

The downside of giving a f*ck about others.

The upside of passion & purpose.
 
If it’s my fault? I can fix it.

= Core Belief I’ve yet to find a workaround for. So I still knee jerk towards it for ANYTHING I want different.

Poverty, Starvation, Insult, Injury, Death, Pain, Loss, Grief… I CLAIM it. Me. Mine. MY FAULT. MY RESPONSIBILITY. MINE!!!

It’s not rational. Nor actionable, in most cases. I still attach myself.

The life of a control freak.

The downside of giving a f*ck about others.

The upside of passion & purpose.
f’n a bubba. well said. now lets adjust and adapt and overcome, ready, go!
 

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