Ecdysis
Sponsor
I'm finding that my mid-life phase (with menopause) is being a total game-changer in basically all aspects of my life. It's like I have to entirely re-write the scripts for my life, from scratch, cos none of the old rules apply anymore.
I'm finding this to be especially true of childhood trauma and how I relate to it. And I've heard it from other people too. For example, that during the mid-life phase, often new memories from childhood will come to the fore that were firmly suppressed in younger years.
I've been finding that some aspects of childhood trauma, which I previously experienced intensely, are suddenly off my radar and seem to no longer be impacting me. And other things, which I previously thought were relatively innocuous and harmless have come to the forefront and are making themselves be seen/ heard/ felt with great intensity.
One thing I'm currently noticing is that for all of my adult life so far, my post-trauma years, there's been quite a bit of internalised trauma that I've taken for granted. For example, a lot of the crazy fears and threats that my parents spewed... some of them I managed to reject outright or find ways of countering, but many were internalised and to some degree, I lived according to those old "trauma rules". One example would be "What will the neighbours think??" was basically a daily/ constant theme in our family growing up. And it wasn't about "the people next door to us may dislike us"... It was more like "The people next door may start spreading rumours about us and turn the whole neighbourhood/ community against us and then they'll be our enemies and we'll be outcasts and will become homeless and will have to live under a bridge"
So, that's a belief that I've partly managed to resist but also partly internalised and whenever anything triggers this particular set of beliefs, my inner critic harps on about it at great lenght in an attempt to keep us "safe".
Anyway... as I'm going through this mid-life phase, I'm finding that my brain is just so f*cking exhausted of all of these old trauma narratives... They're starting to lose their potency and their grip on me... They're failing to set off cascades of cortisol and adrenaline to kick me into action to make sure I do stuff to "keep me safe".
Another example is that I've always had panic attacks in hospitals as part of my PTSD. These days, my brain just shrugs at it like "Well, if I die in this hospital procedure, so be it. It's not like I can do anything about it, and chances are I'll survive so, whatever..."
I'm also finding that I'm "mellowing with age" in other respects too - like being less angry and critical...
I dunno, I'm finding mid-life to be sooooo weird. It's like meeting a whole new version of myself. It's a shift that's as profound as the shift from childhood to teenager must have been, personality wise, but I don't remember that transition conciously, so I can only infer that from seeing other kids transition into teenagers and being like "Whooooa, the kid and the teenager are lightyears apart, personality wise" and I'm certain it was the same with me.
So yeah, I'm fining mid-life to be the same as that... Huge, fundamental, deep shifts that are impacting every single aspect of my life and leaving no stone unturned.
I'm finding this to be especially true of childhood trauma and how I relate to it. And I've heard it from other people too. For example, that during the mid-life phase, often new memories from childhood will come to the fore that were firmly suppressed in younger years.
I've been finding that some aspects of childhood trauma, which I previously experienced intensely, are suddenly off my radar and seem to no longer be impacting me. And other things, which I previously thought were relatively innocuous and harmless have come to the forefront and are making themselves be seen/ heard/ felt with great intensity.
One thing I'm currently noticing is that for all of my adult life so far, my post-trauma years, there's been quite a bit of internalised trauma that I've taken for granted. For example, a lot of the crazy fears and threats that my parents spewed... some of them I managed to reject outright or find ways of countering, but many were internalised and to some degree, I lived according to those old "trauma rules". One example would be "What will the neighbours think??" was basically a daily/ constant theme in our family growing up. And it wasn't about "the people next door to us may dislike us"... It was more like "The people next door may start spreading rumours about us and turn the whole neighbourhood/ community against us and then they'll be our enemies and we'll be outcasts and will become homeless and will have to live under a bridge"
So, that's a belief that I've partly managed to resist but also partly internalised and whenever anything triggers this particular set of beliefs, my inner critic harps on about it at great lenght in an attempt to keep us "safe".
Anyway... as I'm going through this mid-life phase, I'm finding that my brain is just so f*cking exhausted of all of these old trauma narratives... They're starting to lose their potency and their grip on me... They're failing to set off cascades of cortisol and adrenaline to kick me into action to make sure I do stuff to "keep me safe".
Another example is that I've always had panic attacks in hospitals as part of my PTSD. These days, my brain just shrugs at it like "Well, if I die in this hospital procedure, so be it. It's not like I can do anything about it, and chances are I'll survive so, whatever..."
I'm also finding that I'm "mellowing with age" in other respects too - like being less angry and critical...
I dunno, I'm finding mid-life to be sooooo weird. It's like meeting a whole new version of myself. It's a shift that's as profound as the shift from childhood to teenager must have been, personality wise, but I don't remember that transition conciously, so I can only infer that from seeing other kids transition into teenagers and being like "Whooooa, the kid and the teenager are lightyears apart, personality wise" and I'm certain it was the same with me.
So yeah, I'm fining mid-life to be the same as that... Huge, fundamental, deep shifts that are impacting every single aspect of my life and leaving no stone unturned.
