Shame and self-perception on sex

[grit]

I am deeply sorry @Sietz this is super complex. But I wonder if you focus the core issue - where this originated may help you further belly you heal.

What that man did to you was only possible because the stage was set by that incident on the boat if not earlier. It is painful to focus that but as long as you may displace the anger and disgust on your ex but not your parents or adults around you when young... These chains will keep you living fully.

Ok sorry, back on topic, so I feel immense shame

That sentence jumped at me because it showed a crack in your thought about where the core is. The shame preceded this ex. My feeling is if you focus on anger against your parents, this ex impact will be moot.

This is my take and I am sorry truly that you violated so much.

 

[ILoveLife]

I think you're right, @grit. Been focusing on that actually.
Thanks for the input :hug:

 

[lovak]

I can really relate to your post. One of my most severe cognitive distortions is 'I am an object to be used' and 'I made myself into that'.
I've been struggling to come to terms with the FACT that I did not freely choose to have sex with them. In my mind I was an adult and I went to my abusers voluntarily. Actually, those were two different adult men, years apart, when I was fourteen and seventeen and in a really bad place with emotionally detached parents. I needed someone to connect to emotionally, these men saw a perfect vulnerable detached victim and groomed me. They manipulated me, threatened me and even tortured me into complete compliance. That does NOT mean I wanted it.

I can type that out, I can say it to myself, I can't feel it yet and it has only made a small dent in that massive believe that I am an object to be used. But it's a start.

The feeling of guilt is overwhelming sometimes, because I went to them myself, I let them do that, almost never said no. I did that, all by myself. And then the other voice chimes in: You were a child, you were vulnerable, they took advantage of you in a very manipulative and destructive way. I kinda keep going back and forth between the two.

It's weird, because I only recently found out that I've been sexually abused as an infant. And I still havent really felt much about that at all, except the thought: "Well, I never stood a chance, I was ruined from the beginning". It comforts me in a really weird way, because to my twisted mind, it kinda takes away some of my responsibility, as a baby I litterally couldnt have said no because I couldnt talk. I literally couldnt have done anything or told anyone. So that really wasnt my fault at all. I've been screwed up from the start, and that makes it all less bad somehow.

I know how f*cked up that sounds, I really do.

 

[ILoveLife]

Well, we can sound f*cked up together

:hug: