Supporter Concerned Gf Looking For Advice

[TerriB8511]

Hi,

I've been in a wonderful and loving relationship with my BF for 7 months. It's a long distance relationship at the moment but we have made it work until now. He is a two time Iraq Marine veteran who has had one episode of suicidal tendencies about 4 years ago before I knew him. He has two children, one of whom he gave up custodial rights to, and another that is 5.

We have shared so much over the past 7 months, he's been here and to a family wedding with me and constantly told me he loved me. We had plans for the future. To move to NV together next year and start our life together.

Out of the blue a week ago, he said he couldn't handle the stress of me not being there and couldn't do it anymore. That he still loves me with all his heart but the stress was too much. Of course I backed off but I'm so confused. He still talks to me but very guarded and he has told me he is in automatic defensive protection mode. I don't know what to do. I will not leave him because he still says he loves me. Yet I am trying to give him space. Any advice on how to help him? I'm new to this and I only want to do what is best. It's tearing me up inside and I know he is struggling.

 

[Seasounds]

he said he couldn't handle the stress of me not being there and couldn't do it anymore

I am sorry for your pain. From being a sufferer I would respect his spoken and desired boundary. Honestly, you can only expect more of this behavior, if it is already showing up.

PTSD can be hard to understand from the outside. For myself, I can say that varying levels of stress and circumstances can 'put me on tilt'; then I know I need to withdraw. If all my past friends only knew why I left and went 'poof' and instantly exited relationships, they would think kinder of me.

Intimacy and commitment can bring all the related past feelings and experiences to the forefront-cause insomnia, anxiety, flashbacks, etc. At the time my flashbacks started, I felt like I was helpless in a war zone. No wonder I identified with Vietnam Vets. Getting those memories processed so that I could handle intimacy took decades.

It is a good thing your BF could put his needs into words. If you try to reconcile, you may increase his need to withdraw. I think being in a relationship with someone with PTSD can be stressful.

Know what a good person you are and that you have done nothing wrong.

Pretty out-dated Carly Simon song linked below Good intentions meant. (Love) Coming Around Again)

The best to you.:hug:

.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums. :)

That he still loves me with all his heart but the stress was too much.

With PTSD managing stress becomes paramount.

This explains far better than I ever could. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

 

[TerriB8511]

Thank you both. That article is a real eye opener. And it explains PTSD very well. Vandaya, that makes so much sense. It hurts but I understand. I'm just going to remain here as a support for him and let him decompress. I don't want to be a detriment to him. I appreciate the help. I couldn't understand it, but realize now I never will. Bless you both.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Only meeting this man a few times and most communication has been via mail, how do you know he is not still married?
PTSD might encourage someone whose been hurt in the past to pull away.
When someone pulls away let them go. You have no one to save but yourself.

I have ignored my share of red flags. This looks like few to me.

He is saying he can't handle what you can't provide. Listen to that not the but I still love you.
Plus he has a history of psychiatric problems.
Saying he had to sign custody over was saying what? It is required when you are in the service and a single parent. This is to protect the child in case life or death decisions need to be made immediately. Why one and not the other? Do the children have different mothers? Who did he sign the custody over to? How old is the child he had to sign over custody?

Why are you attracted to all this complication and eventual unavoidable drama?

There are two young children he will have to support. Possible unresolved past relationship issues and who has personal emotional regulation issues at the least.
It could be he is being discharged soon and has to return to his family full time.

This is not the doorway to a joyful life.

Take some time and work on your relationship with yourself. If all this is okay because of whatever you were "told".

Trust me, IMO only,

you might be hearing only what you want to hear. You might be looking to save in hopes of being saved.
Find yourself and real love will find you.
I could very easily be way off base. I might also be hitting a grand slam out of the park.

I told you what I see because if there is any truth in it, you will feel it. It's also none of my damned business. But at least you will be making a thought about choice.

 

[EveHarrington]

Long distance relationships are very difficult under the best of circumstances.

I'm quite concerned. How far is NV from his children? If it's not "just over the border" (from a neighboring state)------well, why NV?

I can't help but feel that there's something of a fairytale element to all of this and I think you'll be in for a rude awakening once you are around him 24/7. (I hope that didn't come across harshly.) Seeing him a few times for a few days (I'm guessing) means that you've only seen the best of him. Now the real guy is coming through, the real parts that aren't so pretty.

Moving could be hella-hard. I move a whopping FOUR MILES down the road------in May. It's just now that I'm bouncing back from all that stress. And I didn't have the stress of being in a strange place, meeting new people, and so on.

I suggest taking it slow. Spend LOTS of extended time together, as in weeks or months before deciding on a big move together. It won't be easy but it will tell you if a future is possible without uprooting two lives to a new place.

 

[Powder]

Wow, your situation sounds identical to some people I just met in Washington state a couple weeks ago. He's leaving a station in Japan and coming back to be stationed in the USA. On the West coast, where his son lives, his only option was NV. East coast he'd have had anyplace he wanted.

His new girlfriend is going to wait a year and move down to NV with him. His ex just got married to the guy she left him for this weekend.

His hair has turned all grey, even though he's not that old. I thought he might have PTSD the way he was checked out and then looking around at people defensively along with the body language (tension and fatigue in the face).

I hope your situation resolves itself.

I have PTSD. I could see myself agreeing to such an arrangement (trying to be logical and adult about it) and then saying "I can't" when my emotions go all haywire with anxiety about abandonment, risk, and being hurt. PTSD is not logical or emotion based. It is a biological glitch, or set of them.

He doesn't mean to feel this way. But he can learn to work with his PTSD and find solutions. Relationships are very challenging for people with PTSD. They need, and usually deserve, a lot of support for living with this disease and also for what they have been through (traumas) that caused it in the first place. With PTSD, your body thinks its back in the trauma, and you relive it over and over again, when you least expect to. It's hell sometimes.

 

[TerriB8511]

Thank you all so much. It gives me a lot to think about. It's hard to tell specifics with his background. But I do hear what all of you are saying. Sometimes the harsh reality hurts but needs to be stared at head on.

Muse, that makes so much sense to me so thank you for sharing that. That appears to be what is happening. And maybe this isn't the right relationship or time for him and I will come to terms with that, but I'll be here if he needs me. That's all is can do.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I do have to wonder what your needs are in all this? You speak of being there for him. Who is there for you?

 

[Powder]

You might be looking to save in hopes of being saved.

Alice, can you talk more about what you mean or what this means?

Why the word "save?"

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Well I can only speak from my experience and I have no initials after my name or degrees. Just wanted to clarify that first.

@TerriB8511 mentioned she has a long distance relationship with someone for 7 months. Met him a couple times and and ....

I just went back to the original post because I was going to say, " They fell in love"
But that is not exactly what was said.
"Constantly told me he loved me" is the phrase used. Anyhow...

I used the word save because those who lean towards co-dependency tendencies, such as myself, tend to unknowingly seek someone to save them or seek to save someone, be there for them no matter what. Without a cemented time proven (years or a hell of a lot real face to face time) foundation to put that kind of commitment on.

She does not mention her needs at all and that to me is concerning. I don't know her age but since I was that way into my fifties maybe it doesn't matter. I thought if a man said he loved me then that gave me worth. Worth I didn't have for myself, so regardless of red flags, I committed myself wholeheartedly and made excuses for him. Excuses for his actions because he "said" he loved me.
I wanted saving from my lack of self worth. The same lack of self worth that made excuses for him and see him as a victim.

I don't know how they met. If it was online or in person. It does seem 90% of their relationship has been long distance.
I assumed before he might be still in the service but I could be totally wrong.

Did he specifically say he had PTSD? I don't know. He mentioned having two children. Did he ever mention being married?
Are the children by the same mother? What is the age of the one he had to sign custodial right away. Why? In what context was it mentioned?
Were these questions asked? Were the answers given if the questions were asked or was it too complicated to get into or it makes him feel too bad to talk about ? Were the answers, if given, vague or painted him in a way that made her heart break for poor him.

"He couldn't handle the "stress of you not being there".

That does not sound like PTSD and I'm really not trying to rain on anyone's parade but it sounds like manipulation. Not that we PTSDers can't be manipulative but it is character flaw not PTSD.

I am wary about the " he still talks to me but very guarded".

Guarded how? No tone or words of intimacy?

"Automatic defensive protection mode."

Now there is an interesting phrase. On one hand it could mean a need to set boundries out of fear of getting too close.

It could also mean not wanting to be over heard saying something questionable.

I would suggest keeping a record if you choose to keep in touch with him. Times you talk, for how long, little things and see if there is some kind of pattern.

Do you have his home address to send a card? Yes ? Do some research. No? Ask and pay close attention to the answer.

I wish you love, from you, for you.

 

[Powder]

I'm curious about the use of the word codependency since it is not in the DSM, yet I see it everywhere as if it were. I wonder if anyone can explain this phenomenon.

I do not doubt that it describes something real, I just don't see how it fits into PTSD life yet or if it does at all.