How Much Is Okay To Share?

[Enaila]

I have been watching some documentaries on drug use and trafficking in the United States. Tonight, my 23 year old son was in the room and we started discussing what was on t v. At one point they were discussing heroin and how accessible it was. I mentioned heroin was what had killed his father (he knew his dad had died from drug use.) Later in the show it discussed what crack meth looked like and how it was easily made.

I started remembering how my son had been extremely angry and impossible to console once when he was three. I had to hold him while he raged and clawed at things I couldn't see. I remembered the police offering to have a drug dog search my home after I separated from my husband and then telling me even a grain of meth could seriously affect my infant and toddler. I was so naive at the time.

Anyway, I made comment that it was possible he, my son, may have had meth before and shared about his dad being on meth and having items in his lunchbox I had asked if were drugs or not.

My question is, is it better to keep all the bad things secret or is there ever a good reason to share them. I protected my sons from knowing about the violence and their dad's drug abuse when they were little. Is it wrong for me to share it now they are men? I don't want them to think poorly of their father, but part of me wants them to understand, now they are adults, why I raised them on my own.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I suppose it could be said in a lovin way if they ask. No reason to volunteer that information I don't think?
But I mean if you do feel strongly about it, you'll bring it up when the time is right.

 

[sedna]

I have been watching some documentaries on drug use and trafficking in the United States. Tonight, my 2...

I'm a big believer in the truth. They know it on some level, freeing them up from having to guess things and wonder about details is a loving thing to do.

It doesn't feel as dark and shameful when light is shed on the facts. I'd just ask them too, you can ask them if its feels better or worse to them to have more information and details. Maybe letting them take charge of the dialogue, by telling them you're open to answering any questions they have very honestly.

I've said some things about our family secrets to my kids that I wasn't sure was a good idea. One of my brothers cut me out of his life because he didnt want me talking around his son.

My kids thank me often for always telling them the truth, ( as well as I understood it ) about people in our family. I bet they'll be okay with it, Enaila.

 

[Naoru]

Is it wrong for me to share it now they are men?

I don't think it's wrong of you to share it now that they are adults. I don't think there is a right or wrong judgement on whether or not you share. Only you know when the time is right, if at all, as you know them and the situation best.

That said, I believe in the truth as it could be used as a learning experience all the way around. The truth may be hard, but in my experience, it's been better to know these family secrets rather than be in the dark...has helped me make more educated decisions in family issues. Maybe bring up something else about the scenario to feel out whether or not they'd want to know more/be able to handle more before sharing it all...?

Open the door of communication about it and put your toes in before diving head first... and judging by your concern about them thinking poorly of their father, I'm guessing you'd be able to share the information in such a way that they could form their own opinion and not feel as if you've swayed them one way or another. Trust yourself? :tup:

 

[digger]

Personally, I think the best thing would be to take your lead from them. How did your son react to these two things you brought up...

I mentioned heroin was what had killed his father (he knew his dad had died from drug use.) Later in the show it discussed what crack meth looked like and how it was easily made.

I made comment that it was possible he, my son, may have had meth before and shared about his dad being on meth and having items in his lunchbox I had asked if were drugs or not.

 

[Friday]

Since they're adults, and you're willing, maybe let them know that & make the decision for themselves?

 

[Go Hungry]

I would share. The reason is, that they already know. They probably haven't been able to figure out all the details by themselves, and knowing the truth of the matter is better than wondering.

I asked my mother one time about just how far back my father's anger went. I asked if there was something that I missed, because once when I was 14 and had vandalized a golf course (long story) I kept saying that I wanted someone to hurt me. Mom mentioned at that time that when I was much younger, like 3 years old, I would do the same thing. I would refer to myself as a no-count, bad boy. When I asked about it, she said that she had hoped that I wouldn't remember any of it. Then she told me about how my father would come home drunk and yell at us, and how when I said I was sorry for whatever reason, he would tell me that I was Sorry. A sorry excuse for a human being.

Anyway, it helped out a lot to know this, because I was walking around wondering about something that I wasn't even fully conscious of. Having those questions answered helped.

So I would say go for it. They'll probably surprise you with just how much they want to know..

 

[Enaila]

Personally, I think the best thing would be to take your lead from them. How did your son react to these...

My older son was really surprised. I have discussed alcoholism with both my boys as they grew up as I wanted both to know how easily it would be for them to become addicted as there are some studies saying it can be inherited. I don't think I ever pointed out their dad also had drug addictions and they didn't ask me anything more than what killed their dad.

I did come across autopsy report while cleaning out files and asked if either wanted me to keep it for any reason. One of my sons said yes, but he wasn't ready to read anything in it. My problem is I can't remember what I have told them about their father and sometimes I wonder if all is okay with them as they really never ask or talk about him.

As I work through my trauma from the years being married him, I sometimes feel an urge to share. Neither of my boys has ever shared their feelings about the loss of their father and I didn't allow any more men in while I was raising them. I worry about that sometimes.