Undiagnosed Needing A Bit Of Validation

[BuckarooBanzai]

It does sound as if you could have experienced childhood trauma. The fact that you don't have any explicit memories to support this claim doesn't mean it didn't happen.

The indicators - the signs and symptoms your psychiatrist has mentioned - are indeed significant indicators.

Again, the fact that you don't have a complete memory is par for the course. The vast majority of adults do not have complete memories of their childhoods, let alone of traumatic incidents. There are good, well-documented reasons for this.

I am TERRIFIED that I am making this up.

Why in the world would you make any of this up? How does making up an abuse history benefit you? This doesn't make sense.

My suggestion: work with your professionals and take it slow and easy. You will remember more naturally - all by yourself, without hypnosis or drugs - when you are ready to face the past. Don't try to fill-in-the-blanks of your memory; it's natural to try to do so, but it could just lead to a wild goose chase. When it's time, you will know whatever you are meant to know, and it will sit with you as truth.

Ben

 

[Hammytime]

@gypsywind Ugh, I hope for your sake nothing did happen, but it sounds like unfortunately it did. Life is sucky. I can totally relate to being so exhausted by every day functioning... I'm considered "high functioning" as in I went to college, got my BS, entered the work force and am now applying for a professional program. But damn, I was MISERABLE every minuet of it!
@BuckarooBanzai thank you for your input, it was really helpful. Do you think it's strange that none of the adults in my life (parents, teachers ect) noticed a change in my behavior? Or is it pretty normal to have a child hide it well? I'm looking forward to finding my truth, even if it is painful, I think it will be worth it in the long run.
Thanks to everyone. I don't have anyone in my life to talk about this with, so it's nice to be able to get some feedback!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Do you think it's strange that none of the adults in my life (parents, teachers ect) noticed a change in my behavior? Or is it pretty normal to have a child hide it well?

No, I am really not surprised. My parents said I didn't have any of the indicators of child abuse at all. They still deny anything happened.

It could be that you didn't make a big deal of it as a child, having not understood the importance of it all, so the nightmares and such were just chalked up as nightmares. It could also be that you were 'good' at the hiding of urine and such - so good, they didn't know.

It could also be they didn't understand the signs.It's really been only relatively recently that parents have started to learn to look for these things; teachers weren't taught to notice child sexual abuse indicators until about 20 years ago.

Also, if your abuser was a family member, the non-abusers in your family might have suspected or known, but chose to pretend not to know.

Ben