Dom Violence My Husband Is The Boss

[Sandi]

My husband has made it very clear that he is the boss of our marriage. I met him shortly after breaking up with my abusive ex when I was an emotional wreck and he always brings up the fact that he saved me and how much better my life has gotten since I met him.

I have a say in some things, but we both know that at the end of the day whatever he says goes.

There's been times when he's scared me. He becomes very aggressive when he drinks and will sexually dominate me. One time he forced his hands inside of me as our baby was sleeping on my chest. Another time he pulled me out of bed by my hair for talking to guys on social media-- nothing flirty on my part. He forced me into another room and grabbed me by the hair again and just yelled at me. I have since delete all of my social media accounts.

There are times when I deny him sex because of past sexual trauma and he'll tell me to get over it and just do it. He can become very forceful, but since we're married I just let it happen despite saying no.

I love him, but I can honestly say I'm scared of him now. I don't want to leave him. I just want him to hold me like he used to.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

very sorry, I am not much help tonight but I hear you and am saying prayers. I wish I could say leave him.. but I sit in dreadful isolation having been through so much violence and barely scraping by. I think its best to wait for good advice and simply know I support you in this. I am tired, felt the same things.. and I really will just quiet myself as I may do more harm than good with this current depression. Many prayers for you - you clearly have a beautiful heart.

 

[Casey_03]

This sounds like a typical case of an abuser preying on someone they know to be vulnerable (and in this case, he saw you as vulnerable because of your past abusive relationship). I know it's hard to just leave, but I would suggest setting up an escape plan, at the very least. Building up a support structure and having somewhere to go when you're ready to leave. Try taking baby steps right now - you don't have to dive right in. Talk to someone at a women's shelter or an advocate who deals with this sort of thing. Call a hotline for abused women and just talk it out. I think that will help you see how serious this actually is. I don't think it will get any better. In fact, there's a good chance it will only get worse. And neither you nor your baby deserve to be in that kind of environment.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Bluntly put: This is classic domestic violence. This man entered into a relationship with you in order to have someone to control and dominate. The situation will not improve; this is the way he wants it.

You and your baby are in danger. Please visit or call a counselor at a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline.

This would also be a good time to get into therapy.

I'm concerned for you, Sandi.

Ben

 

[hodge]

Welcome, Sandi. I agree with Casey and Ben. I think it would be really good to talk to someone at a women's shelter/domestic violence shelter and get some more helpful perspective on your situation. And, yes, this kind of abuse only gets worse over time. It doesn't get better. You need an escape plan for yourself and your baby, because he is not going to change.

 

[void]

You ended up with him for one reason....you have been abused in your past.

You were abused in the relationship before him for one reason....you have been abused in your past.

We all do it...we end up in relationships that are just like a past abusive relationships.

Do you know why??

To understand the cycle you will need therapy....BUT first you need to protect your baby from HIM.

If he is cruel and abusive to you(clearly YES) he WILL also abuse your baby.

Your baby needs you to get away from him.

You need to get away from him.

He will never stop abusing you.

He will abuse your baby.

You are in a cycle that repeats...but you can escape the cycle.

Do you know how to get away??

 

[Fadeaway]

Please listen to what everyone is saying. It is very common for abused women to end up in another abusive relationship. He saw you as an easy target due to your previous abuse. He pretended to be your knight and shining armor but it was all an act, and a very common one.

Do you understand that he is raping you? Yes, a husband CAN rape his wife. You said no, that makes it rape. Leaving is scary, clearly you have done it before so you know. And when you do decide to leave, follow through on any restraining orders, that means zero contact with for your child as well, including his family members.

Please look up the domestic violence wheel and then delete your browsing history. We will be here to support you in every way we can.

 

[Casey_03]

I just wanted to add -- Please don't think we are lecturing you. We aren't. But I think everyone here is way too familiar with abusive cycles and how rapidly things can escalate. And women trapped with abusive men get stuck in a fog that they can't see out of -- it often takes something terrible to happen before the cycle is broken. The one thing that does help is hearing others tell you how urgently you need to get out. So I hope you don't take offense at all of our insistent pleas that you get out -- we say it out of concern.

 

[void]

1000 times yes!!! ^^^^^^^^

We care @Sandi !
We know you are hurting.
Peace.:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that you moved from one abusive guy to another. :(

Can you call a shelter? Do you have friends/family that can support you?

:hug:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

When you leave, please do not make the mistake of jumping into a new relationship. You've been in two abuse relationships, so we have a pattern. There is a high likelihood that, if you start a new relationship now, you will be picked up by another abuser and so continue the cycle.

You will need therapy to explore why you continue to pair off with abusive men.

I am so sorry. It must seem like we are ganging up on you. We've all known a number of women who have this problem. It's heartbreaking to see it happening yet again.

NB: He has already abused you many times. YOUR BABY is next.

Ben

 

[SGT1209]

My husband has made it very clear that he is the boss of our marriage. I met him shortly after breaking u...

Hi Sandi, yes we care... sadly, i am able to relate to your situation and I assure you unless he is willing to see himself for who he is - and you don't have time to ask him that (and what he is doing toward you) and is willing to change he will not change, (i think somewhere within you, you know that already (that's why you are here); and you are not ready to accept it - that was me too - please don't be like me - I foolishly endured it twice too, and almost lost my life)...please seek assistance and support...you have left before you can do this again - we care for and believe in you. Believe in yourself and stay strong for you and your child...You are worthy, and you deserve so much better and to be happy, so to does your child. Peace, love and light.




“They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving”. Rebecca J Burns, Author.