Dom Violence My Husband Is The Boss

[Sandi]

very sorry, I am not much help tonight but I hear you and am saying prayers. I wish I could say leave...

Thank you for the kind words and I truly hope things are getting better for you. I've gone through depression, too, and I know what a monster that is. Know that I'm praying for you, too. You seem like a kind and thoughtful person. <3

 

[Sandi]

Wow, you guys are all seriously amazing. Thank you so much for listening to me and for the encouragement. A part of me knows that this relationship is wrong, and another part of me thinks I'm blowing this out of proportion. When I first met my husband he did act like my knight in shining armor. He even called my ex (who I was friends with at the time) and yelled at him and threatened him to stay away from me. I thought he was being protective and maybe he was. Over the years I've lost nearly all of my guy friends because he doesn't believe I can be friends with guys and one of them even said he made a death threat to him so he could stay away from me. I've lost a couple of girlfriends, too, because he didn't like them. Interestingly enough he's helped me become closer to my family, but since they don't live nearby (we are by ourselves in a relatively new city) it's still hard to find that support.

The hardest part of everything is that we just purchased our first home and we have a kid together and a dog and it's almost like that so-called American Dream. I'm scared to leave, but coming from a Latino background I've noticed that women are just expected to stay and accept whatever life they get. I've hinted to family that he can be bossy and that he drinks too much sometimes, but they only lecture him for a bit and pray that we'll stay together because it's important for our child.

I know I should leave, but I'm not ready yet. However, hearing from all of you how you think this is serious is very helpful for me. Like I said I wasn't sure if I was making this a big deal or "overreacting because I'm an emotional woman" as he says. Just today we went to lunch and I said I could eat my lunch at my desk because he was in a hurry and he said, "eat it now you know I'm the boss." Little things like that happen often.

Anyways, I'm going to see a therapist for the first time on Monday. I'm also going to look up the cycle of abuse and the wheel of dv to learn more. I didn't realize there were people that solely attracted abusers due to their past. It's just crazy when you think about it.

Thank you so much, guys. You are all very sweet and kind for trying to help a complete stranger. <3

 

[Sandi]

Hi Sandi, yes we care... sadly, i am able to relate to your situation and I assure you unless he is wil...

Omg it's so scary to think someone you love could actually try to kill you. My ex used to joke about killing me. That's why I left.

 

[hodge]

It happens, Sandi. That's why we're all so concerned. You are not overreacting or being "an emotional woman." You are picking up on a real danger, and so are we.

One scary story from me: In my late teens I had a boyfriend who I loved a lot but who also started to get abusive when he drank. One time we went to his sister's birthday party. I was driving. He started hitting me in the car on the way home while I was driving because he thought I was flirting with someone at the party. Of course, I wasn't. Long story short, I broke up with him. He didn't want to accept it and kept trying to get me back, but I was firm. One night I was in bed and heard some weird noises outside my window. I turned the light off, looked outside, and it was him climbing up our house. My bedroom was on the second floor. I immediately got my mom and brother downstairs and we called 911. The police got there just as he was climbing in my window with a knife.

So, yeah, it happens.

It can happen if you don't leave and it can happen if you do. That's why it's so crucial to get in touch with a dv shelter so you have a safe place to run to with your baby. And if you don't have your own car or otherwise can't get there, you can call and someone will pick you up. The police will if no one else can. There people will help you figure out how to put your life back together. That all comes later. Your first priority is safety.

 

[Sandi]

It happens, Sandi. That's why we're all so concerned. You are not overreacting or being "an emotional wom...

That's insane! What a crazy person! I can't believe he actually did that and I'm so glad you woke up and told your mom and called 911. I don't see how hurting someone you care can be called love. I never understood the whole, "If I can't have her/him then no one can" idea. It's insanely stupid. I don't think my husband would ever kill me though, but I do know of dv shelters in the area so if it ever gets really bad I can leave.

 

[hodge]

That's just it. It's not love.

There are people out there who do evil. Of course, they usually only start to show their true colors when we're already hooked. We don't like to think we could have fallen in love with them, but many of us have. And there are others who are not with us today because they believed their husbands or wives would never kill them.

I'm very glad you know of some shelters in your area. Just hope your husband doesn't know where they are!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Hi Sandi

I really hope you will leave this man, what he's done and continues doing to you is totally unacceptable.

It's abuse.

important for our child.

it's not. It's really really not important for your kid to have a father who abuses it's mother. I hope you will read up on trauma bonding. That's what you have with this man. A trauma bond. It will hopefully make sense.

Please, for you and your child's sake, please leave him.

C j

 

[Silver.]

^^
THIS
all of this, these people are speaking to you because they have lived it, either as a spouse or a child of this. from the place that allows us to give to others because we care, so much, no empty words. please do take care x

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

The hardest part of everything is that we just purchased our first home and we have a kid together and a dog and it's almost like that so-called American Dream. I'

Having an abusive husband is almost like living the American Dream? Please think about it.

If your little girl, when she turns, say 10 y/o, comes to you crying because her father raped her yet again, will you explain to her that you can't leave your husband and take her away to safety because you are 'almost living the American Dream'?

NOTHING is worth this abuse. NOTHING is worth risking your daughter.

I've hinted to family that he can be bossy and that he drinks too much sometimes, but they only lecture him for a bit and pray that we'll stay together because it's important for our child.

I would bet you just about anything that, were you to tell your parents the whole truth, they would pop you in their car and take you to safety.

In fact, I would not be surprised if your father beat the Hell out of your husband. I would, if someone did that to my daughter.

...I'm going to see a therapist for the first time on Monday. I'm also going to look up the cycle of abuse and the wheel of dv to learn more.

Good for you!

I don't see how hurting someone you care can be called love. I never understood the whole, "If I can't have her/him then no one can" idea. It's insanely stupid. I don't think my husband would ever kill me though

So, then can you understand that your husband, who treats you so abusively, couldn't possibly love you?

I'm sorry, I know that's harsh but you need to listen to yourself.

If your best friend came to you and said that her husband was doing to her what your husband is doing to you, would you believe he loved her?

If your baby, when grown, were to come to you and say her husband was abusing her this way, what would you tell her?

Regarding this bit, that you don't think your husband would ever try to kill you: If I had a dollar for every wife of an abusive husband who told me that, I'd be a wealthy man.

I don't know why, but THAT particular statement is often THE ONE a woman will make to me just a week or two prior to the day her husband actually does try to kill her.

Listen: He intends to own and control you 100%. If you won't obey him fully or he can't have you because you choose to leave, he will most likely try to kill you.

Please. Make your exit plans. Keep them TOP SECRET. Get out as soon as you can.

Protect yourself and your daughter before its too late.

Ben

 

[hodge]

Exactly what Ben said, Sandi. You are at grave risk if you stay but you are also at risk when you leave. That's when my ex-boyfriend came after me, when I left and he realized he wasn't getting me back. So you need to keep your plans to yourself. If your husband knows where any of these shelters are, go to one he does not know about. It is not just for your safety, but also for the safety of all the other women and children there. One never really knows how ballistic an abusive person can become. And you don't want to be there to find out.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Hodge has brought up an important point.

Your husband intends to own and control you. When he finds out you've left him, he won't just roll over and play dead. He will come looking for you - not because he is sad and missing you, but because you escaped his grip.

Men (and some women) with such terrible control issues would rather see their spouses DEAD than free and happy.

Please keep you plans SECRET and escape to a shelter or other place where he won't come looking for you.

Then, WARN your relatives and friends, just in case he comes looking for you at their homes.

I'm sorry, but men like your husband are very dangerous.

Ben

 

[hodge]

Excellent point by Ben. Yes, he most likely will come looking for you at friends and relatives' homes, so make sure to let them know. And don't feel you need to tell them exactly where you're going, because he may manage to get that info out of them. Just tell them you've gone to a safe place.