Abuse From My Son

[ladee]

We all know abuse in it's many forms and definition. It so much harder for me to label what my son does as abuse.
And yet if anyone else said or did the things he does, I would not hesitate to walk away.
I do not feel I serve this treatment, tho for many years I did because of guilt. But guilt is not love...... It's guilt.
I have worked very hard for many years healing my traumas, depression and all that PTSD entails.
And I am so much healthier, alive and aware. Have also made progress in regard to my son. He is 46 yes old. And I have come to a place in my life that I need and want to change this situation for myself.
Why, as moms or dads, do we continue to endure this? Hoping he will one-day see that he needs help? I can't seem to reframe the idea of going no contact as abandonment.
He is a grown man. Its not like I have to be present in his life for his survival.
I would appreciate any similar experiences, suggestions or questions to help me to start seeing this differently. It is always present and wearing me out as I truly do not want to continue being stuck.
I don't even know if I am making sense!
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Sideways]

None of my life experience comes even close to this, so I have zero advice, other than to say that your personal growth is a good thing for you and your son, and changing family dynamics is always hard, for everyone involved.

I hope you find a space for your relationship with your son that is somewhere between this, and completely walking away, that is fruitful for both of you:)

 

[ladee]

Thanks @Ragdoll Circus , that is what I am hoping for. But he has zero respect for any boundries I have in place. I have had to go no contact in the past. For many months. When we start communicating again,n a short amount of time it's as tho he is back to square one. But I'm not. And the no contact times are longer and longer. If this is to ever change, there has to be some willingness on his part. So far I haven't
This is my grown son. It is all so confusing and crazymaking.
I appreciate from my heart your very hopeful input. Would love for it to be that way. It would be an awesome win-win wouldn't it. Love and hugs to you!

 

[PhoenixO]

I can only imagine the agony of this decision process. Have you the ability to speak very directly to him about the issues and what it is doing to you? Are circumstances exceptionally toxic? Are you spending loads of time having to recover from interactions? Can you simply work to increase boundaries? That is tough work. i struggle with it. All I know is you have a right to be treated with love and kindness. Anything less is a disservice to your healing and his growth in knowing what is no longer tolerable.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Many members have coached me with my grown Son and thank God for each and everyone of them! It took this village and a solid T to begin to make a dent within my PTSD and my Son's secondary PTSD stuck cycles.

The change has to be wanted by both sides in any relationship for progression or movement. After an heated fireworks debate, in which I said we both needed to go to an T...he elected to do so and I have been blessed to get financially assisted T care. It has been an rough go but things are moving forward in love, understanding and shorter times of butting heads.

I wish you the best in this hard challenge. There is an vast difference between that of healthy love and toxic love. I strongly suggest you anchor in with your T to help you through this heart rendering decision.((((hugs))) Prayers and much love ...

 

[mamachick]

Ladee I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a daughter who is 28 and her abuse started around 16 and progressed. She was very abusive when I was at my worst. She is controlling, has screamed at me in front of others and called me a f...ing idiot, shoved me, and much more. I continued to put her through college and law school . She demanded so damn much, monopolizing my time often, not wanting me to have a social life. I eventually isolated and shut down. She pushed and pushed until I broke. At that point, I said some really ugly things to her. A couple months later, she chose no contact and I have not heard from her in nearly 3 yrs. I miss the good times with her, and there were mostly good time. We are a lot alike and I love her and miss her, but I don't miss the abuse.
I would rather die on my feet than live on my knee's. (author unknown)
Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk. It is so heartbreaking. It is not like any other relationship, the bond between mother and child.
Hugs
Brat

 

[ladee]

Thank you @PhoenixO . The sad part to this is I have done all your suggestions. Gotten very vulnerable with him, approached him when thimgs were calm, approached him with respect. Especially the past two years.And the bottom line is he is not willing.
@Recovery4Me , I Have suggested therapy , He absolutely refuses.
I currently Do not have a T trying to find one who will accept Medicare , not having any success so far. But still looking.
He does not have PTSD, but is ADD, social anxiety, battles depression, possibly Bipolar. A compulsive talker. And God knows what else. A Dr put him on meds once for anxiety. After a few weeks he stopped taking them 'because they made him too calm'.... His words.
He recently moved to be closer to his daughter. That has turned into a huge clusterf#ck!!
He is homeless and refuses to get help.You would not know he is homeless, He is a clean freak, so doesn't look the part per se.
I do not feel I have to 'take care' of him. Have worked thru all that.
So onward on the search for finding a T to help ME with all this.
Thanks for sharing about you and your son. I want to hold on to hope.

 

[ladee]

Thank you @brat17 , this started with him when he was 17. He is now 46 and there have been very few good times.
I simply want some peace. My heart breaks for the pain he is in.But I am very clear that he has to want to get better.
iButI Have gotten off with my life But he will always be my son. I love him no matter what. I really hope I don't have to love him from a distance.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Link Removed

Perhaps this site above will assist. (((hugs))) My heart is with you in your journey to find the right answer for you at this time. X

 

[mamachick]

Ladee-I understand. I know there is something very wrong with my daughter too. She may very well be bi-polar, runs on her dads side of family. She does not see it or has not hit any consequences since she finished law school and starting off a bit of success. I think she will run into big problems as she must be abusing someone. When she was in law school and it was not me at the time, it was a roommate or fellow student. She is always out to ruin someone. She is getting married so will likely be husband, especially if they have kids. She will certainly wear the pants, the suit, and the cup. I think his kahona's are in her designer purse. Sorry, must find some humor.

 

[ladee]

@Recovery4Me , thanks a bunch!! Will check this out and let you know!!
@brat17 , I appreciate the laughter! Might as well find something to laugh about. All the tears haven't changed a thing and laughter is good therapy!
Thanks from my heart to both of you.
Three mamas trying to figure it out. Sorry that both of you know what I am talking about, but glad I am Not alone in this.

 

[sedna]

There is never a reason for a person in their 40's to blame their mom for everything. The fairly obvious clue to his claim being ridiculous was the homeless part of it.

I've been a horrible parent because of my situation, I also over indulge out of guilt. I know my ' situation ' was also from choices I made. That's where the guilt comes from.

As mom's we tend to think the comforting and loving part of parenting is what they want. With boys, who have become men especially, not so much.

None of us women have ever been that happy with a guy who's mom was where he got all his comfort from....that's a fact.

I think he's exploiting your weakness, probably not on purpose, or to hurt you, but because it works.

I'm glad you've stopped. I struggle with this myself, but mine are young. But for the grace of God go I on this one. I may just be in your shoes someday.

I'm glad you've decided to put your foot down and stop the heartache he causes. Its for his own good.