"babysitting" Nephew... Worried I Can't Handle Him (boundaries Question)

[DogwoodTree]

My nephew is almost 13. He was adopted from Europe as a toddler, and although he's physically healthy, he has some emotional issues. Also, my BIL and his ex haven't done a great job of handling nephew's issues (or their own). Nephew is very difficult to control at times, and I've seen my BIL have to physically force him to another room to remove him from a situation. In that case, BIL wrestled nephew into the bathroom at my inlaws' house and proceeded to yell at him and argue with him and plead with him to behave better. Nephew does not stay calm easily, even considering that he's a preteen boy.

So normally this isn't a huge issue for me. I've only seen him once in the past year. But this weekend, BIL and nephew are coming for a visit. BIL and DH are planning to take most of the day to go participate in a sporting event where they can't take nephew, and they've decided that I'm going to watch nephew while they're gone. I wasn't asked. They tried this same scenario last year, and I was so nervous that DH managed to wiggle out of it that time, and BIL came by himself that weekend. But this time, DH says he "can't get out of it."

I'm really nervous. He might be fine, and play video games and basketball the whole time, and not cause an ounce of a problem. But he might not be fine. And with 4 other kids in the house (3 of those are younger than nephew), I'm really concerned about my ability to keep the peace. Plus, nephew is significantly larger and stronger than I am (or any of my kids).

I keep telling myself I'm overreacting. I keep imagining situations where nephew starts punching me, or where he physically bullies my kids, or where I even have to call the police. None of this seems reasonable based on what I know-for-certain about him, but the fear is still there. Also, I don't bond easily with people because of my own issues (PTSD of course and also Asperger's). Especially with people who are loud and boisterous...I really have a hard time spending any time at all around people like that.

DH and I have been working on having healthier boundaries in our marriage and boundaries with other people around us, but I still suck at knowing what's healthy and what's not. Is this a major violation of healthy boundaries for DH and BIL to assume I'll be fine babysitting nephew? Am I screwing up by letting this happen and not refusing to do this? Or should I grow up already and face this like an adult...he's just a kid, he needs what all kids need (love and space and respect), there's no real evidence that he's violent, it'll probably be fine and will go a long ways toward building a closer relationship between us and them?

 

[scout86]

Is this a major violation of healthy boundaries for DH and BIL to assume I'll be fine babysitting nephew?

It seems like that to me! And, that could be 'just me'. But, to me, this seems to fall under the heading of 'ain't my problem'. I can't see any reason you should be expected to watch your BIL's potentially difficult child. What would they do if you weren't around?

Am I screwing up by letting this happen and not refusing to do this?

Well, 'No'? At least it seems like that's being excessively hard on yourself. This is a difficult situation. You want to make everyone else happy, want everyone to get along, all that kind of stuff? It's hard to refuse, especially when it seems like they don't get that they're asking a lot. (What kind of sporting event can't they take a 13YO to anyway? Just curious.)

he's just a kid,

True, I guess. But he's a kid with problems of some sort. And it sounds like you don't know a lot about the exact nature of the problems. That makes it harder to know how to cope with him. Really, that last part sounds like you're trying to convince yourself it's not as bad as it looks.

I guess, over all, I think you should have been given a choice and part of having a choice is the option of "no" being an acceptable answer.

 

[DogwoodTree]

What kind of sporting event can't they take a 13YO to anyway? Just curious.

It's some kind of bike ride...way too difficult for anyone who hasn't been training for it. And it's long distance (several hours) so it's not like nephew could just ride around with a slower/shorter group.

But he's a kid with problems of some sort. And it sounds like you don't know a lot about the exact nature of the problems. That makes it harder to know how to cope with him.

This is true... I can think of a handful of people who handle him okay even though they're not stronger than he is, either, so I don't think physically wrestling him has to be part of the deal. But all of those people have been around him frequently since he was adopted. They know him pretty well. I don't. Although sometimes that can actually be an advantage with a kid...

I think you should have been given a choice and part of having a choice is the option of "no" being an acceptable answer.

I guess I really struggle with this. On the one hand, each spouse is responsible for determining how we deal with that person's family. DH has been really good about supporting me in my decisions about how much contact we have with my family, so I want to support him in the plans he makes for our contact with his family. But at the same time, I usually check with him (or at least have a pretty good idea of what he would want) before I agree to anything with my family. It bothers me that he didn't give me any options, even knowing that I didn't want to babysit nephew last year either.

DH has put up with so much these past couple of years with all of the crap going on with me and my family. And there are other circumstances as well that puts me in a position of really wanting to support him in having time with his brother. I don't mind making sacrifices. I'm just not sure this is a sacrifice that's reasonable--I don't want anyone getting hurt by a kid I can't manage.

But I don't really know that I can't manage him...it just scares me that I don't really have any options if he is too difficult for me. There's no one close who could come help. And maybe I'm just dramatizing my fear because I'm good at that. Seriously, I'm not trying to beat myself up here--I really do tend to imagine the worst possibilities.

 

[Casey_03]

But this weekend, BIL and nephew are coming for a visit. BIL and DH are planning to take most of the day to go participate in a sporting event where they can't take nephew, and they've decided that I'm going to watch nephew while they're gone. I wasn't asked.

This seems like the kind of thing they would've known about long in advance. In fact, it kinda sounds like your BIL came to visit specifically for this event, though I could be wrong. But either way, there's no reason why they couldn't ask you in advance if you were okay with this. I think they majorly violated your boundaries by just assuming you'd look after the kid. You will probably be fine, but I think you should at least tell them both that it's not right of them to give you no warning, and that you won't put up with that crap in the future.

 

[Eric Martin]

I can understand what you are feeling I have gone through such situation. Just would suggest you to be calm.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you were the kind of person who loved taking care of other people's kids, in particular THIS kid, I'd say it was a minor boundary violation. Given that you've voiced your opinion about not wanting to do it before, it's a blatant disregard for you and a trampling of an established boundary. Why can't the guy find a sitter?

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh but it sounds to me like you're making a tonne of excuses for being treated like this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that there are 3 issues here....

1) you need to have boundaries
2) and people need to stop assuming that you will just do things without really asking you.
3) stop overthinking and have a plan in place in case your nephew gets upset.

 

[scout86]

What about @She Cat's third point? Is there anyone you can get to spend the day and give you a little moral support, if nothing else? Anything else you can think of that would help?

 

[Silver.]

If you can't get out of watching him, the good news is that most children are better behaved for anyone that isn't their parents. It sounds like a lot of his acting out is because his parents don't react or parent as they should.
Make sure you have some activities set up to keep him engaged, and some snacks you know he likes. If you are going to be stuck watching him, try to make the most of it and bond with him so he doesn't feed off any negative stress

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think you should at least tell them both that it's not right of them to give you no warning

I've known for a couple of weeks. I guess I just kept hoping the problem would disappear, lol. That was really mature, right? ;)

Why can't the guy find a sitter?

They're coming in from out of town, so I think BIL is thinking, "I'll bring my kid and we'll all hang out together and have a good time and it's great! You guys don't get much time with my son, so this is a great chance for us all to be together!" ...except that he and my DH are taking off to have a fun guys' day out while I stay at home with all the kids. Staying with my kids isn't a problem at all--but hanging out with a kid I don't really know doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me, especially on my one day to rest and chill and "do nothing."

I understand that spending time with family members is supposed to be a good thing (it's not particularly something I enjoy, even with healthier family members, but that's a problem on my end, not theirs). But this isn't exactly the same thing as "hanging out together"...this is "drop my kid off with you while I take your hubby and go have fun and I didn't ask you but just assumed you want to know my kid better because everyone wants to spend time with kids they're related to." So then I sound like a real b**ch if I come back with, "No, I really don't want to spend extra time with your kid when you're not here."

1) you need to have boundaries
2) and people need to stop assuming that you will just do things without really asking you.
3) stop overthinking and have a plan in place in case your nephew gets upset.

1) Ultimately, I can hold the boundary if I decide it's worth it. BIL won't be thrilled, but he probably does have the option of not bringing nephew at all. But will the fallout be worth it?
2) BIL doesn't know how much I've been struggling with the PTSD and aspie issues lately. I think, like most people, he assumes family members want to spend time with the kids in the family. That's not such a far stretch for most people, right? I'm having to manage my exposure to overwhelming stimuli in order to manage some of my symptoms, but he doesn't know about any of that, and I don't want to tell him.
3) Yeah, I think this is what it comes down to. I need a backup plan, and I need plans for how I would like the day to run and how to help make that happen.

Is there anyone you can get to spend the day and give you a little moral support, if nothing else?

No, I don't really have any friends. I mean, I have people who know me and like me well enough, but no one who would do something like that. I have family members who live nearby, but those relationships are crazy strained right now. I'll think about other plans to maybe make this easier. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

If you can't get out of watching him, the good news is that most children are better behaved for anyone that isn't their parents.

I'm really hoping this is the case here.

If you are going to be stuck watching him, try to make the most of it and bond with him so he doesn't feed off any negative stress

Yes, I realize I need to manage my stress well enough so it doesn't rub off on any of the kids: nephew or my own kids. What do 12-year-old boys like to do that doesn't tear the house apart or drive other people crazy (my kids that age are girls, so I have no clue)?

 

[Silver.]

we only have 1 boy in a family of girls lol. thankfully he is a good kid, so I ran some ideas past him
do you have xbox or playstation? they can get glued to that for hours.
card games, you would be surprised how badly kids want grown ups in their life to do something with them. if you live near a park, take them all out for a walk, tire themselves out at the playground.
if you have bicycles encourage them to ride safely around the area, kicking a ball around outdoors, playing a game of family baseball/softball, throwing a football around. also kids their age like putting things together, do you have legos?
Also, if you bake, kids love to bake. You could make cookies and have the kids decorate them
(not sure if you use Pinterest, but that place is full of age appropriate ideas for kids)