Relationship Seriously Struggling Partner Of Ptsd Boyfriend

[Goon]

That's exactly how I feel now and I feel like he can sense it too. We are meeting this weekend and are hopefully going to come to a decision that's best for both of us.

Thanks for your support Deb,
Will let you know how the meeting goes! :)

 

[Goon]

Hi Deb,
First of all I just want to tell you that everything you said about him trying to avoid this meeting has been true! He didn't meet me after last Sunday. He avoided a meeting on Friday and even Saturday night.
I really am left so confused and hopeless. I can't break all ties with him immediately because it would make him feel worse than he already does and would probably make his PTSD worse. He won't let me break up completely because I'm probably the only person who can give him any sort of comfort. I went out with my friends Saturday night and all he did was taunt me that I don't have time for him. It's a very helpless situation for me. I know it's a little off point but everywhere I go I can only think of him and I compare everyone to him. Tell me honestly am I just dragging this relationship for no reason? This doesn't even qualify to be a relationship I think.
If I just leave him and stop all communication without closure will it really play poorly on his PTSD ?
Thanks a ton,

Goon

 

[NaeNae75]

Hi Deb,
First of all I just want to tell you that everything you said about him trying to avoid this meeti...

Has he told you he was diagnosed with PTSD by a therapist? Because from reviewing your posts....all I saw was you saying you were googling PTSD and the symptoms fit him. If he was diagnosed, is he seeing a therapist regularly?

If he wasn't/isn't.....I think it is very dangerous for you to "google diagnose" him. The reason I say this is because if he in fact does not have PTSD, the situation should very likely be handled differently.

I obviously don't know you or him or your situation, but from what you have said, it sounds like a relationship that the "honeymoon phase" is over. I noticed in your first post that he was declaring his love after 4 or 5 dates....that seems odd to me, but of course, your culture is different...so that may be part of it.

I also want to point out that you "hijacked" someone else's post here. Just so you know for future reference, maybe it would be better for you to start your own thread for having a conversation about your own personal questions.

I promise I'm not trying to be rude....I'm just curios about these things, so we can all help you the best way possible. BUT the one thing I can say no matter what is that YOU deserve to be your priority. You are a person with needs and feelings. PTSD or not is no excuse to treat you so poorly.

My s/o of 6.5 years has PTSD and is a habitual isolator. There are times his needs can seem selfish. But he still takes my needs into consideration. I have PTSD, and I would never treat someone I cared about like this.

 

[Goon]

Hey NaeNae,
Thanks for your reply and my apologies as I don't know how this forum works. I simply came here for a desperate need of help. I know nobody is being rude here and yes by writing what you wrote you have helped in a huge way.

As per your question, no he has not been diagnosed with PTSD nor has he told anyone of his symptoms. He has not spoken to his family about it and I'm the first person he has described everything to in detail. He told me he is depressed and has severe anxiety. Then he told me he couldn't get out of the trauma of his past relationship and the accidents he was in. I know it's never right to assume anything,but he has mentioned he has anxiety.

I know one thing, I can't fix him or anyone, and that is why I have always stood with him whenever he needed me. There was no honeymoon phase and there is no possibile explanation for him to change his behaviour with me. It's just unnatural if you know what I mean!

However, I agree that PTSD or no PTSD there is no reason to not treat someone you love right. From what I know he really did love me and really cared about me to a great extent. And it's okay to isolate yourself from time to time in need to some space, but this is getting out of hand and i really need to make a strong decision now.

Anyway, thanks for listening!
:)
Goon

 

[NaeNae75]

Hey NaeNae,
Thanks for your reply and my apologies as I don't know how this forum works. I simply came he...

Thank you very much for answering. I hope you realize that it can be very dangerous to "assume" someone has PTSD. He may very well have it, but if so, he really needs professional help. I don't see this going anywhere positively for you if he doesn't. There are many other things that his issues could be coming from.

Are you aware of what a honeymoon phase is? It's the chemical reaction in your brain when you first connect and fall for someone. It's how when you're first in that fall that everything is lovey and passionate. After a certain amount of time, these feelings fade. This is very much what you're describing here. My own personal feelings are that someone can't "love" someone after 4 or 5 dates....but that's my own personal opinion. To me, you can't say you love someone until you know all their idiosyncrasies and still love them in spite of them.

With that being said, that doesn't mean that you couldn't have had a very strong "loving" connection. It really isn't my place to judge how you feel about your relationship. The thing to remember is you were more than fair to him.

My only advice would be that if you ever did want to pursue something with him, make sure he is in therapy first. It is difficult to maintain a relationship even when people do see a therapist. They are almost never sustainable in a healthy way without it.

I wish you much happiness in you endeavors. I hope you can find the love you really deserve. You are clearly a sweet person with a lot to give. Trust in yourself.

 

[Goon]

Thanks For your kind words,
I do wish the same for me as well because I know i have a lot to give, and everyone deserves to be happy in life. Sadly, I know for a fact that he will never consult a therapist even if it means that he struggles with these issues for the rest of his life. I have once spoken to him about consulting a therapist and to that he said - "No way! I'm never doing that"

So fair to say he's never taking that path. Well I too believe that you can't love someone without getting to know them inside out. However, if it is what you're describing - the fading of feelings- it's just sad and unfortunate but atleast I'll be out of it and will get what I deserve later in life. If it's his PTSD and he wants to continue without professional help, he will probably never be happy with anything or anyone in life and there's no point in me sticking around waiting for him to Realise what I am to him.

Thanks and good luck to you :))

 

[Deb Bergman]

Hi Deb,
First of all I just want to tell you that everything you said about him trying to avoid this meeti...

Oh Goon please remember how on the right track you were. Don't let him undo all the good you have been doing for yourself. Don't go back into hopeless and confused. You know what you want. You even told me in many of our chats and I pointed it out to you how well you were doing to see through a lot of this. He does not meet your needs. He has proven that over and over. Don't let him keep pulling you back and fourth. Yes, you can break all ties now. Everyone has choices PTSD or no PTSD. He could have chosen to get professional help and he chose not to. He is responsible for his own happiness. If he depends solely on you to be happy, I believe that qualifies as a co-dependent. You do not deserve to be treated this way, you deserve to be happy. This entire situation is dragging you down. Did you exercise those boundaries to him that it isn't ok to keep standing you up? If you did and he still harassed you on Saturday, that is proof that he only cares about what he wants and not what you want. Remember how great you felt doing what you wanted for yourself. Think back to that. Don't let everything be about him. Don't make the mistake of comparing everyone else to him. Everyone is different. If anything, use him as the poster guy of the one that you don't want for a relationship. I don't want to seem harsh. I know you are really hurting, as am I. Deep down I know that I deserve respect and I don't deserve to be treated badly. I hope that you will realize that too. If you think it would be easier distance yourself and move on while he is on his trip in October. In the meantime be with friends, family and YOURSELF. If he bothers you repeatedly don't take his calls and don't text back. I look forward to hearing from you on what you decide to do. Ultimately I can only be there for you. I cannot tell you what to do. You must come to a decision on your own.
Best Regards,
DEB

 

[Goon]

Oh Goon please remember how on the right track you were. Don't let him undo all the good you have b...

Hi Deb,
Really touched at how concerned you are about my wellbeing. As for the current status, I have limited my contact with him. He has been studying for an online ISSA examination, and spent the weekend actually taking the exam.
I will be honest with you, in my mind I have already moved on to some extent and I'm much happier than I was some time back. We haven't met in 1 week and I think I'm tired of waiting on him.
If I ask him anything personal (That involves me ) he just avoids my question and disappears for 3-4 hours straight. I think he's trying his best to cope with his anxiety and subsequent problems. Whenever we met in the past he complained of having a weird pain in his throat and breathing issues.
Anyway, to be fair, I have been more than understanding and loving to him. I have taken a step back in my mind, and my actions have followed to some extent. He needs to come out and have a heart to heart discussion with me in person, without that nothing is possible for us!

It's just sad how you think you have met THE ONE and things don't turn out how you had imagined. But that's life I guess. I really do pray that you find your happiness Deb, and I'm sending you love and peace from the other corner of the world (literally :D)

Goon

 

[Deb Bergman]

Hi Deb,
Really touched at how concerned you are about my wellbeing. As for the current status, I have limi...

Good Afternoon Goon,
Yes, I am concerned for you. I know that we are at opposite ends of the world but that matters not. You are a human being and we all deserve to be happy. I have always been the type of person that cares for all people and try to be there for someone if they need me. I'm so glad that you are not waiting around for a conversation with him that most likely will never take place. I really feel for you and can relate 100% because I am in the same sitiation. I live under the same roof with my guy which is very difficult. Everything was wonderful between us(so I thought) then about 3 weeks ago, he was very different. I noticed over a year ago(weve been together for over 2)that he seemed different and I asked him many times what was wrong. He always said he was stressed from work. I watched him slowly withdraw affection and there didn't seem like he was putting effort in. It also seemed like I was getting a lot of excuses. I have always been there for him but never really felt like he was there for me. It seemed like the one sided relationship that you mentioned. He dropped the bomb on 8/27/16 and told me he had been pretending for over a year and I felt more like a friend now. He said he didn't see any point in trying to work out anything because there was such a gap that there wouldnt be a bridge big enough to fill the void. He wants me to move out. I was a stay at home mom and now I have no job, no where to go. He sleeps on the couch and I realized I may have been just a convenience to do all the household chores and bill paying etc. I decided I deserve respect and to be treated better than I have been. I doubt I can ever trust him again after pretending things were more than they were. I keep feeling bad on and off but I ask myself Do I want to be happy or constantly down over someone that doesnt love me but pretends? I think my answer is obvious. I am not going to put myself through that kind of pain. Right now I want to be alone. Maybe someday I will find a man that really wants to love me and put forth effort as it takes 2 in a relationship. I have prayed and prayed but I am starting to lose faith. I was so blindsided and had no idea this was coming because he kept lying and saying it was work stress. I wished he had just told me the truth. Somehow I feel that he is a self sabotage person that wants it to fail so he can be negative and blame the world(poor me poor me).He has always believed he was no good because his parents always told him that all through his childhood. He also will not seek professional help so I too feel impending doom that the relationship would never work anyway. I am going to continue on my quest to go to my therapy and become a better me. I have never believed in myself or been confident because of emotional abuse in my childhood. I am going to work on being happy with me and not depend on others for my happiness. I pray that I am on the right path to improving my own well-being.
All the best to you Goon,
Deb

 

[Goon]

Hey Deb,
I feel deeply sad to know you've been through so much emotionally. I know it's easy to blame the PTSD but I also do believe that PTSD or no PTSD if someone really wants the relationship to work they will make it work! I completely understand where you are at right now and hope you realise how important you are.

I was told something great today by one of my closest friends who has been there with me throughout. She said- "perhaps the biggest problem you are facing is the lack of closure In your relationship. You feel like it's an unfinished business and till you finish this business i.e. exhaust all your feelings and emotions on this guy and give all that you can to this one person- if it doesn't work out- you will gain from this experience. You'll gain a new perspective, a new beginning and you will only be able to move on once you finish this chapter. "

I have passed on her words to you because they really struck me and hopefully you will understand and benefit from this viewpoint as well. I know you feel stuck too and I assure you the only way you will be at peace is when you know in your heart that you have nothing more to give to him. Under one roof or not- once you know it,you will withdraw all your energy from him, first subconsciously and then consciously. And once you do that, you'll be able to set yourself out on a new path and find someone who truly deserves you because you are an amazing woman. If someone who doesn't know me one bit can help me out so much when I'm not in a good phase in life- there's gotta be something truly amazing about that person right? :)

Also another thing I would like to add to this is that all of us- the supporters- by consciously deciding to support- are doing a tremendous deed. We all have at some point and for a continuous period of time, ignored our own human emotional needs and that is pure selflessness. I'm sure you will be rewarded for that in terms of karma!

Stay positive and good luck to you!

Goon

 

[Goon]

Another thing I would like to add is - when my boyfriend couldn't disclose his PTSD to me and was asked by me to explain his changed withdrawn behaviour, he said- "you are a wonderful girl and you deserve to be very happy in life. I know right now I can't fulfil what you need in a partner and you deserve better. All I can be to you is an honest FRIEND till I am better at handling myself and my issues. If I wanted to I could fake my feelings and be the same every time I see you but that's just not possible for me, so all I can be for now is an honest friend- nothing more nothing less."

This, I would like to say, is what I really appreciated about him- had he committed to his words!! Time and again he went from being an 'honest friend' to a 'boyfriend' by his actions and him wanting to be intimately close to me- and then back to his withdrawn 'honest friend' self. Now this really set me off in a spiral. This is exactly what messed me u. The on and off behaviour. So my advice is, if you think he's faking it,he probably is! Not everybody will have the courage to own up for a change in behaviour and tell you things exactly how they are. Please don't let yourself fall for it and take care of your own needs now.