Hello sorry in advance about the length of this thread but things get a bit complicated.
I have been with an amazing man for two years now. We got pregnant early before we really even began to know each other.(I was told by several doctors I had less than a 1% chance of conceiving.) And well that less than 1% chance was just enough to create my beautiful little hellion.
During the first months in finding out we were expecting we were able to work through our problems and differences logically and equally. Then the worst thing happens, while away at work my BF brother committed suicide in their mutual driveway with my BF gun. My BF returned home after work to find what was left.
Since then he has had night terrors, mood swings, paranoia, anger issues just to name a few. During this time I was trying to do anything I could to help his grieving process and ease his pain and have done so everyday since march 27th 2015. That's when I began to loose myself in the caretaker position. Throughout my whole pregnancy I had no support for my prenatal and now postpartum depression and anxiety, which I understood because how could I ask him to not mourn so he could help me. I just couldn't do it to him.
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born, my bf had spent majority of 44 hrs of labor playing video games or talking on his phone unless i was doubled over in pain. I made excuses and allowed it because of the moment being not only the best day in our lives but yet another reminder that his brother was no longer here. from then he has spent time with our daughter and is such a good dad when he is not lost in himself but most of the time its been he is like clocked out and unreachable. He looses himself in himself and hasnt really fully bonded with our daughter. I do literally everything feeding bathing teaching playing everything a 15 month old needs since day one. which is my job too but he did not join in or even seem to want to be involved.
We have purchased our first home 3 months ago, finally got my disabled mother into a place after a yr of living with us. we have reached the edge of us both, his ptsd has excelled my depression and anxiety, i am going back to my therapist next week. Would have been earlier if they werent so booked. I am terrified I am loosing the man I love my family my home my entire world because since his brothers passing our communication has gone to null in void. and thats partly my fault, ive just recently realized i am experiencing the caregiver burn out and am taking steps to revive myself.
But he will not talk about anything, he just retreats and wants to be left alone, he says he doesnt care anymore, that all I do is use him when I work 2 jobs go to school and am a full time mom and still make sure to have dinner made for him every night.
He has developed a problem with drinking and being he is in a local metal band means booze is everywhere. He wont go get help, I have made calls for apointments and am waiting for the call back. He has begun to tell me to get out of the house every fight, that I am worthless and no one wants me, My logical brain knows he is projecting onto me but my emotional side is just torn apart over it. When ever we argue all he does is scream at me hit the wall break doors etc then blames me for it. asks me to leave him alone i go outside and call a friend and I get yelled at cause he can hear me. I just talk to myself trying to calm down he is upset.
It has gotten so bad, before the death of his brother he was an empathetic and caring person who listened to what i had to say and replied peacefully and we worked things out. After a yr and a half with no treatment other than his alcholol he has become this evil mean person who pushes my buttons for my anxiety then blames me for it, I have reached my limit and no longer just sit there and i know it makes it worse. I dont understand why he hates me so, why hes given up on everything, how he can lie to family and strangers about me, how he can be so willing to let me go.
This has come down fast and last week we made the commitment to give it our all and to get therapy and i had to make the apt. I did. He picks a fight, kicks me and my daughter out, and refuses to talk about our issues but will tell me he loves me, and once i begin to try and speak he throws a 'i was going to work on us but now' or ' i was looking forward to tonight with you but now i dont want to be anywhere near you.' what do i do how do i not loose my family. I feel worthless
I have been with an amazing man for two years now. We got pregnant early before we really even began to know each other.(I was told by several doctors I had less than a 1% chance of conceiving.) And well that less than 1% chance was just enough to create my beautiful little hellion.
During the first months in finding out we were expecting we were able to work through our problems and differences logically and equally. Then the worst thing happens, while away at work my BF brother committed suicide in their mutual driveway with my BF gun. My BF returned home after work to find what was left.
Since then he has had night terrors, mood swings, paranoia, anger issues just to name a few. During this time I was trying to do anything I could to help his grieving process and ease his pain and have done so everyday since march 27th 2015. That's when I began to loose myself in the caretaker position. Throughout my whole pregnancy I had no support for my prenatal and now postpartum depression and anxiety, which I understood because how could I ask him to not mourn so he could help me. I just couldn't do it to him.
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born, my bf had spent majority of 44 hrs of labor playing video games or talking on his phone unless i was doubled over in pain. I made excuses and allowed it because of the moment being not only the best day in our lives but yet another reminder that his brother was no longer here. from then he has spent time with our daughter and is such a good dad when he is not lost in himself but most of the time its been he is like clocked out and unreachable. He looses himself in himself and hasnt really fully bonded with our daughter. I do literally everything feeding bathing teaching playing everything a 15 month old needs since day one. which is my job too but he did not join in or even seem to want to be involved.
We have purchased our first home 3 months ago, finally got my disabled mother into a place after a yr of living with us. we have reached the edge of us both, his ptsd has excelled my depression and anxiety, i am going back to my therapist next week. Would have been earlier if they werent so booked. I am terrified I am loosing the man I love my family my home my entire world because since his brothers passing our communication has gone to null in void. and thats partly my fault, ive just recently realized i am experiencing the caregiver burn out and am taking steps to revive myself.
But he will not talk about anything, he just retreats and wants to be left alone, he says he doesnt care anymore, that all I do is use him when I work 2 jobs go to school and am a full time mom and still make sure to have dinner made for him every night.
He has developed a problem with drinking and being he is in a local metal band means booze is everywhere. He wont go get help, I have made calls for apointments and am waiting for the call back. He has begun to tell me to get out of the house every fight, that I am worthless and no one wants me, My logical brain knows he is projecting onto me but my emotional side is just torn apart over it. When ever we argue all he does is scream at me hit the wall break doors etc then blames me for it. asks me to leave him alone i go outside and call a friend and I get yelled at cause he can hear me. I just talk to myself trying to calm down he is upset.
It has gotten so bad, before the death of his brother he was an empathetic and caring person who listened to what i had to say and replied peacefully and we worked things out. After a yr and a half with no treatment other than his alcholol he has become this evil mean person who pushes my buttons for my anxiety then blames me for it, I have reached my limit and no longer just sit there and i know it makes it worse. I dont understand why he hates me so, why hes given up on everything, how he can lie to family and strangers about me, how he can be so willing to let me go.
This has come down fast and last week we made the commitment to give it our all and to get therapy and i had to make the apt. I did. He picks a fight, kicks me and my daughter out, and refuses to talk about our issues but will tell me he loves me, and once i begin to try and speak he throws a 'i was going to work on us but now' or ' i was looking forward to tonight with you but now i dont want to be anywhere near you.' what do i do how do i not loose my family. I feel worthless
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