Intense Dissociation

[Natalia Jedras]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum. I struggle with BPD, Bipolar, and Complex PTSD.

So, I've always had issues with dissociation. From the time I can remember (and that's hard to say because I can't at times remember that either) I've struggled with mild spacing out or daydreaming so much that I'd miss this out on class.
But over the last 6 or 7 years, I have been dissociating to levels where it actually has become dangerous. Things like walking out into the middle of the road, and nearly being hit by a car. Other things include sending messages to friends without any recollection of doing so, missing hours upon hours of time. I can't remember anything from today, yesterday and very little from Monday. All of last week.... Not there. I often feel like I have different people living in my head that have control in different environments and they don't often share anything with me regarding what happened. They act like me, or sometimes act out of my character. But... Mostly act like me, and after in out of a specific environment, I forget everything that happened in it. Everything. Until I'm there again. This includes therapy, which makes my therapy work very difficult. I've now completed Stage 1 of DBT and am slowly transitioning onto Stage 2 DBT-PE. And this is going bad already because of dissociation. I've got my Breathing Retraining practice recording that I listened to yesterday to practice it. I've dissociated so much that I can't even remember when I listened to it, as it's making my dissociation more intense. I've had that proven with DBT Paced Breathing practice too.

Here are some of my dissociation problems listed:
1. Spacing out for 6 or 7 hours yesterday and not remembering anything else after.
2. Ending up in places without knowing how I got there.
3. Ending up in the middle of the road and nearly being miles by cars on a few occasions
4. The whole world feels like a dream scape or a digital environment similar to what I've created during my Digital Media course.
On a similar note, my dissociation often leads to visions of the past that appear as ghosts straight out of a horror film.
5. Being aware of what's going on around me and what's going on emotionally, but feeling like I have no control. It's as if I'm watching from within, and not having any control over what I do.
6. Having huge gaps in memory that I can't explain. I can barely remember what happened the day before. And every day feels like a distant memory, unless an environment demands a memory to come to life again, and then it fades away. It's like the memory of that day fade away when I dissociate and especially when I wake up in the morning.
7. Personality and memories feel fragmented. Specific environments set of a specific set of memories that then fade away as soon as I am away from it, and I question what I did for that time I was there. I can act out of character and have no memory of that moment.
My identity ranges between environments and my memories are like this too. For example, in in dance class twice a week. And I can only remember what happens there of I'm there, and my memories of it fade as soon as I am out of the studio. Similarly at home, at therapy or even doing every day things.

Should I get checked by a psychiatrist for a dissociative disorder or is this something that's part of my BPD and Complex PTSD diagnosis?

 

[Sideways]

3 quickies: have you checked out the Flashbacks & Dissociation forum? You'll probably find a lot of stuff there that sounds familiar. Two, yes, talk to your pdoc or T about it (it's potentially dangerous and impairing your function- 2 excellent reasons to address it). Three, stick with the DBT. I found the emotional regulation and mindfulness stuff really helped me manage my DID.

So, dissociation is on a spectrum. Everyone does it. Mild end (like the Headache version of dissociation) is just spacing out. Like wandering onto the road, or driving your car and not remembering the trip. We all do that. Mostly, our brain switches back on the second there's a threat. So there's good odds that your brain will switch on Before you actually get hit by any cars.

Moving up the specrum, from Headache to Migraine territory. Feeling like the world might not be real like you've described. That's deeper dissociation. Specifically, Derealization (wikipedia joy!).

Then you move further up to the tippy top of the spectrum, like Brain Tumor territory. The dance class where you have a different personality and only remember what you did in dance class when you're at dance class? That's sounding a lot like DID. A lot. And interestingly, I'm also one of the many many of us that got diagnosed as Bipolar II with BPD traits years before I graduated to CPTSD and ultimately DID. Averages something like 7 years of treatment to diagnose DID (fun fact!).

May easily be you don't have DID. But definitely talk to your T. It could make sense of a LOT of stuff. Also look into the grounding exercises. They're the got-to when you need to stop yourself dissociating and switch the brain back on.

 

[Natalia Jedras]

3 quickies: have you checked out the Flashbacks & Dissociation forum? You'll probably find a lot...

Thank you! I now just realise that I've put this post in the wrong section. Yeah, I've seen a few posts from Flashbacks and Dissociation before I signed up for the forum. It impairs my functioning a lot, especially since my dissociation just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't remember anything from yesterday, very little from Tuesday and very, very little from Monday. Can't even remember what happened last week. Every single days feels like a distant, foggy memory that I can't retrieve or remember for a very long time.

My therapist is aware of my dissociation, since it caused a bit of a disagreement at one point. But I am glad that I'll be seeing a psychiatrist on the 4th October to discuss things. It's not my regular NHS psychiatrist, which I am actually relieved about because this woman triggers some really bad memories and flashbacks. And I can't afford to see my private psychiatrist right now.

My therapist and I talked about DBT- Prolonged Exposure protocol and decided that for the next two weeks, I'll be doing "Up-regulating" my emotions. That means practise the skills to help me to experience emotions and reduce dissociation so that we can work on my trauma. But, as I've said in my original post (which I had to re-read as I didn't even remember that I posted it) the work I am doing during this transitional period is already not going well as the dissociation is gets worse. Sure, the intense experience of seeing "Don't Breathe" helped me for about ten minutes after walking out of the theatre, and then I dissociated again. Horror films are a great way for me to up-regulate my emotions for a little while at a time, and I love them. Unlike probably 90% of people here, I tend to get triggered by my own thoughts, emotions and body sensations, and occasionally by something happening outside. I could watch what people could call a triggering documentary and it wouldn't phase me. It's my emotions and thoughts that set me off. And dissociation, since it leads to some terrifying visions of the past, that aren't standard flashbacks.

I've had terrifying experiences of Depersonalisation as well. There here been a few times now where I've felt like a ghost or a hologram, floating through the streets on air. I've lost feeling of my entire body and felt like my body was floating , almost in mid-air.

My private psychiatrist doesn't believe in the existence of DID. Which I could very easily have. As my dance class experience is pretty much like that in every other environment that I come in contact with. This was especially prominent when I was a member of my former church. I'd forget everything right after leaving the building or the presence of people from that church, and my mum would ask me about what we've covered in the sermon or who I have spoken to, and I wouldn't remember a thing unless it triggered me. I have memories of some of the more negative things that happened in the church that are part of my CPTSD. But, very, very little memory otherwise.
My teenage years are an extreme blur apart from a few big instances. Other than that, I can't remember anything else. Hell, I struggle to recognise people from school , courses I've done at the college and I even forget that I am friends with my close friends. I often ask myself "How do I know this person" and often question wherever I know them at all and if they are strangers to me.

And people from different environments trigger off different sets of memories. If I see someone from my former church (and that was an emotionally traumatising 6 years that I was there for,) I immediately remember those memories and have to note them down in order for me to then talk about them with my therapist. I also wrote songs about a lot of what was going on with my church friends abandoning me, and the songs (as well as my messages to trusted friends) help me to remember that so I can address what went on during that time in therapy.

My mum's emotional abuse of 5 years feels like a huge blur and the only things I have as evidence that it happened are songs that I've written about it from that time period, as well as messages to trusted friends about what went on. Although I don't remember everything, the songs really help me to remember, and not dissociate from that memory.

Dancing, I can't recover any memory from it unless I am with my dancing friends or if I am in class.
College was that way too.

My dissociation is very, very complicated at, at times, I barely understand it.

 

[joeylittle]

I now just realise that I've put this post in the wrong section.

It's been moved to the Flashbacks and Dissociation board, no worries.

My private psychiatrist doesn't believe in the existence of DID.

Do they believe in the phenomena of dissociation, inc. depersonalization/derealization? Experiencing intense dissociation doesn't necessarily link directly to having DID. I do think being able to discuss your experience of your symptoms, and perhaps without even trying to attach the right label to them, could help in your work with your psychiatrist. Let them figure out what they believe it should be called...I do notice that some docs will struggle when a patient delivers the name of the symptom set without engaging in a simple discussion on the symptoms themselves.

I'm very big on knowing the names for things - don't get me wrong. I also know there have been times when I've not accurately or fully described what I was experiencing because I've already researched it and sussed out what I think it is, or isn't. Having done that biases my own description of my symptoms.

I'm also not saying you don't have the experiences you have. This is specifically about finding a way to get on the same page with your private psych about what your symptom set really is, that's all. In the long run, that will help you the most. it might take a little longer now, but it'll be worth it.