My Sufferer Is Not Some Heartless A-hole

[Igomak]

So it's almost been 4 weeks since I heard from my combat vet of 4 years. I call him "mine" even tho we don't have that "title". We don't see other people though. We've grown from friends and we're slowly making that transition to lovers.

As I posted previously that he isn't good with words and he had told me he wanted to make me understand how he felt because he didn't always share it openly. He can't express it.

We had plans that weekend to spend our first romantic weekend away and make US and official couple and make love the first time. That's the last I heard from him. I've been pushed away before by him for a couple days here and there,3 days quite a bit, a full 7 days several times and once 10 days but never this long and it's been rough.

I did get to reach out to his friend who has told me he's alive. That was a relief.

I know him so well and I know he cares about me, I felt it. He had been struggling that month anyways I could tell. He had just came out of a week long isolation that I didn't hear from him at all on my birthday on August 12. When I did hear from him he told me he failed me and he thought of me on my birthday. He said he was struggling bad. I dunno it didn't bother me because I know him and well I know he had to be struggling to not acknowledge that day. I told him it was just a day, big deal. He makes me so happy so many other days. He was floored and said I should be mad.

I can't even talk to my best friend because she doesn't get it. She calls him an asshole and I defend. I know him. I've looked in his eyes when he's said things to me and they are sincere. It's almost like he's a prisoner inside himself. I've listened to him tell me he's a disapointment and he doesn't deserve my love and doesn't understand why I even love him. She tells me to give up and he could "reach out if he wants too". I can't explain it enough to her that sometimes he just can't. I know we as supporters need that as well but I firmly believe he doesn't do this on purpose. He's not just some ass. I don't know all that he struggles with and especially taking a big step forward. I know he's said it scares him. I know there's nothing ultimately I can do but walk or wait. I just believe in him I suppose and yes I think he'll come back to me.

I guess I just needed to vent because I am SO tired of people not getting it that he's a truly wonderful human being who's just been through more than one trauma and not some heartless wretched uncaring person. He just has to retreat sometimes. Although this time has definitely been the hardest for me yet. It's gut wrenching and I'm doing my best to be tough.

 

[Gubupu]

He doesn't have to be an asshole or hearthless wretched person to just not be ready for a relationship.

 

[Rehot]

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Jopavic]

We had plans that weekend to spend our first romantic weekend away and make US and official couple and make love the first time.

This is why my MO was to always lay a kiss on someone at the door / before the first date started. Hell. And that's if I didn't take them to bed before the first date. Okay. Now I can relax.

That kind of pressure? I'd run for the Hills, too! I'm just not good with big upcoming events. How many ways can this go terribly wrong? The more "fun" it's supposed to be, the better the idea it is, the longer the drop. At least if it's supposed to be miserable, I don't feel quite so bad about freaking out, instead of something I want and am looking forward to. :banghead:

I have still not yet managed to ever date a friend, even a casual friend, much less a good one. Losing another friend, losing someone I love, is just too hard for me to do on purpose. Even though I know I'll lose them in time, anyway, if I don't at least give it a shot. But once I love someone? f*cking that up, losing their friendship, is an awfully hard thing to contemplate. I've lost too many people to go running around doing so on purpose. Even though I remind myself it's better if they hate me, than be dead, I can't stand the idea of it. Hurts too much, in the moment. They're just too important.

- Not speaking for your vet, just my own heart & mind on the subject. -

 

[Igomak]

Thank you and he and I aren't just friends. I mean we've grown. I'm not gonna go into details here but there's a lot of sexual connection there that we've both wanted forever and he said it overwhelms him the thought of touching me like that. He's expressed how bad he wants to but it's like he holds back. He says he controls everything in his life but I'm the one thing he just melts over..his exact words and he pushes it away.I'm not trying to pressure him. I've followed his lead. He's special to me. I've stepped back and I'll be around. I want him to be okay whether they'd with me or not. That's tough to say. I've looked in his eyes and I see it tho. I have no doubts how he feels even if he just can't handle those emotions.