Started Processing A Memory, Therapist Called It Rape And It Freaked Me Out

[Andrealee]

I started talking to my therapist about the time I was assaulted in hospital and we were talking through it in detail.

I talked about the lead up, and the things he said and the fact he had assaulted me with a object, but then I got stuck. I didn't know what to say, how to say it, I started panicking.

I talked around it, tried to continue, and then she just kinda said "and then he raped you?"

It just shook me. I've never been and blessings to call it that, I've never named it like that. I've always felt that it wasn't because I didn't do anything or say anything. I didn't fight, I didn't say no, I just froze.

She wants to continue processing work next week and I'm worried I'll get caught up on the words again.

How can I get past the issues of words/names/terms?

I know she wanted me to name it and accept that is what it was... but it's so hard.

 

[Eluba]

How can I get past the issues of words/names/terms?

Work on it.

I know thats not much help but the truth...or what I did.

I can call my past abuse now (which took 5 or so years for me) and i can call it torture which took longer but i cant call it "horrible", or even "bad" and still see it justified.

My therapist is in the game of calling things what they are as well. He usually says "sadistic sexual torture", and calls it nothing else, as we speak about it. Its scary but its very important that they do and work around that area so that eventually you will see it for what it was...rape and abuse.

 

[Dakev]

And to add to the above, Im sorry that happened! :hug:

 

[Andrealee]

Thanks for your reply.

I just didn't think it would be so hard. I was able to talk about it, in detail, I just couldn't call it Rape. I still haven't managed to say that.

We are going to keep working on it.

I'm sorry about what you've been through.

I can relate to it! The event I was talking about wasn't related to the SRA I experienced though.

 

[Andrealee]

The weird thing is, I can now (after years of therapy) name what other things happened to me as satanic ritual abuse, but I struggle with talking about details.

This event I can talk about in detail, but not name.

 

[Izom]

I can now (after years of therapy) name what other things happened to me as satanic ritual abuse, but I struggle with talking about details.

Im the opposite. I can talk about details monotoned, seperated from it, but have trouble calling it sadistic ritual abuse or "horrible".

Today, after my therapist and i spoke about what happened last week, he said "your mom and step dad are now both dead" and i was talking about how the control my mom had of me felt gone and i said, verbatium, "its funny. After a while I started to chain myself up and lock the lock myself." My therapist said "i dont find that funny".

Anyway, yeah, it takes work to either call it what it was or talk about the details. I dont think you have to talk about details to heal from it but i do find, in my opinion, you do need to see it as it was. You know?

 

[Zuhi]

This event I can talk about in detail, but not name.

It is really interesting isn't it? I have had the same issues. I just about dropped when a T of mine told me my mother abused me. lol. Nope. The story went more like 'I was a terrible child who deserved to be punished all the time.' Didn't you get that memo?

It seems my T did not and mixed things up a bit for me. Shocking at first, but once the dust settles, it really helps me to improve my image of myself. And I need that.

Don't worry about the word. Call it purple, or asparagus or whatever you want to. It will take a bit to let the concept sink in because it changes your own self image I think.

 

[Andrealee]

I didn't know whether it was because I've only just started talking about it, so struggle with it, or whether I really just struggle to see it as what she's saying it is.

I didn't fight or even speak, so I didn't at any point say no... her counter to that was that at no point did I say yes...

I guess it's going to take some time and some hard work.

Thanks for the replies

 

[Gidewum]

Same thing for me.... If my therapist applies the word "abuse" to anything I have an immediate anxiety attack and go to my "lalala" place in my head. It is hard to hear that word.... Especially as it pertains to my family... I was the bad kid who deserved to be punished...

 

[Aper]

Same here. Retreat to my "lala" place and try to recover from the shock. She wants me to say it aloud this week. She had me write it out and read it to myself for a while. Of course, this was after lots of other work and time. We'll see if it works.

 

[Andrealee]

We're going to continue processing the memory on Tuesday, and I know she's going to keep referring to it as rape. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it and not dissociate or panic.

I guess it'll just take time

 

[Gidewum]

I think I would just tell her that you dissociate when you hear that and maybe before you process you should work on just acknowledging it as a rape. Ugh...sorry. It make me sick thinking about it for you.... Hang in there.