Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Last night, my daughter and I went to a park up high on a hill and welcomed the harvest moon. It was a perfect moment, and made gentler the extraordinary stresses in the past week for both of us. We packed up her dorm room and brought her home last night (next steps yet to be determined). She transformed during the process, and was so visibly relieved to drive away from the dorm. She moved rapidly to elated! I thought she might crash after, but she didn't. She was singing in her room last night, and this morning, and very animated as I drove her up for her classes today. Whatever happens next, I know we made the right decision by listening to her need and not continuing to encourage her to stay in a place that upset her so much (even if the reasons for that remain mysterious even to her!).

She and I did some heavy processing yesterday. All this parts work I have been doing in therapy has been ENORMOUSLY helpful in working with my daughter, and understanding my husband's approach to this whole fiasco. Thank you Yoda. It is true that everyone has parts, even if they aren't as extreme or fragmented as mine! I've managed to keep up the energy of good parent mode (as has my husband) and we are muddling through. Had a wonderful meeting with the school's Dean of Health yesterday along with my daughter's advisor. These are good folk. Totally invested in wanting my daughter to find happiness and success there. I was heartened by their humanity and lack of cold bureaucracy.

So, at the moment we are frantically pursuing any viable option that would allow her to be a day student until a room in a small dorm opens. If we can't sort out something fairly quickly, she will take a leave from the school until next fall. This latter is not a particularly awful option for her (would force her to grow in interesting ways), but it is a terrible option for me as it will wreck me again. In spite of all the good work I have been doing, I am still unable to manage this caretaker parent part to get some balance with meeting my own needs. I just cannot do it. Talked about it with Yoda yesterday. Anyway, the details of all that are long and boring. I am hopeful we will reach a conclusion about this by tomorrow night.

I woke at 4 AM this morning, and couldn't go back to sleep. Wild and interesting dreams. One obviously an anxiety dream about my daughter, but the other was really cool--many messages in it for me to interpret. Because I wanted to remember the dream, I think I woke myself up fully, and then of course my mind starts racing. So I'm functioning on exactly 3 hours and 18 minutes of disturbed sleep, according to my fitbit. I finally got up shortly after 5. It was dark and it was lovely to see the color of the dawn sky. I can't see much from our house, but I can see a good bit of the sky between the other houses. And if I stand on tiptoe and look out the window over my sink in the kitchen, I can see a bit of the sunrise. It was good. And my crow friends greeted me as the light was dawning, and that made me happy too.

I drove daughter to school and returned home (slightly over 2 hours in the car this morning). I am going to go up to bed to sleep for a while (I hope) now. I'm asking for a dream that will guide me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Problems somewhat solved. I have exhausted myself doing it, but the chaos is clearing a little in terms of my daughter. I have rented a tiny little cottage on the beach as a winter rental, month-to-month, so she can be a day student at her school. It will be a profoundly interesting experience for me, and hopefully a decent one for her. She sees a psychiatrist on Wednesday to be evaluated for possible medication to help with her anxiety issues. I hate the idea of medicating a 14 year old person, but she is really suffering. Sigh. I suppose that comes from her parents. Double-guilty-sigh.

As for the move, I've gotten to the place where I'm actually excited. I like simple, sparse living, and this will be it. Not surrounded by stuff. I'll have my art stuff and writing stuff, my dog, my yoga and meditation stuff, and that's about it. Well, and the dog.

How this is going to affect my marriage, I don't yet know. Hopefully it will be okay. This is a short-term thing, 8 months at the most.

And, if all goes as expected with my daughter's schedule, I will be spending many long days alone in the house. Maybe, finally, I will get my website up, and get a draft of my book done :). And maybe even manage some paintings. Bleak winter Atlantic seascapes, here I come. No, that's not really my thing. But who knows. Neither is picking up and moving so quickly and unexpectedly. I sign the lease tomorrow, and we will hopefully be moved in on Wednesday. Yikes.

Then, maybe, finally, I might be able to sleep. At least a little better. I am totally fried. Had my second ocular migraine today. What a psychedelic experience. At least this time I knew what it was!

 

[sun seeker]

I wish I hadn't missed that posting.

Hey, why don't you ever react like that when I delete my posts?? :cautious::sour:

 

[sun seeker]

I hate the idea of medicating a 14 year old person, but she is really suffering. Sigh. I suppose that comes from her parents.

The fact that you are taking her suffering seriously, though? That is something you as her parents are doing. Don't underestimate it.

 

[shimmerz]

Hey, why don't you ever react like that when I delete my posts??

Nothing at all personal. I just find it fascinating that a mother (Hope) actually notices and gives a shit when her daughter is melting.

I also find it fascinating that I missed Hope's posting but you, Sun, had to call me out for me to know it is there. *heavy sigh*. The more my eyes are opening, the creepier I find things that are in it.

 

[shimmerz]

Does this mean no therapy as well Hope?

 

[Hope4Now]

Does this mean no therapy as well Hope?

No, sigh, I will drive back to go to my therapy sessions. I may have to go back to 2x per week though. The rental place is only around 45 minutes north of here. It's a pretty easy highway drive. And it will be somewhat of a relief to not have to be driving an hour each way to get her to school! (The school is around a 20 minute drive from the cottage).

The issue will come in the winter if we have a snowy one.

The down side is that I will have to stop doing a lot of the other healing stuff (massage, watsu, energy healing, and fitness) to help defray the costs. So it will be up to me to do what I can for myself during the days. I am nervous about dropping all these things, but I am really in a better place overall than I was 3 months ago, so this will be a good (ish) experiment.

I also find it fascinating that I missed Hope's posting but you, Sun, had to call me out for me to know it is there. *heavy sigh*. The more my eyes are opening, the creepier I find things that are in it.

Not to worry, Shimmerz. The forum does odd things with notifications about diaries. I often do not get them and only know someone has posted when I navigate directly to their diary. Which I am abysmal at doing.

The fact that you are taking her suffering seriously, though? That is something you as her parents are doing. Don't underestimate it.

Thanks for saying this, Sun. Sometimes we think maybe we are being too soft and that we should have let her suffer the consequences of her choice to leave the dorm (AND...argh...her refusal to accept a single room in that dorm that was offered to her...). But my gut said that this moving was a better option for her own healing than having to adjust to the host of issues that would have set her off (and me) were she to have had to attend our very poor urban public school. I hope we are right in the path we're taking. Fingers crossed.

 

[Hope4Now]

So today I sign the lease for the cottage. And start to bring some things to move in.
This is feeling like a BIG DEAL now that it is actually starting to happen in real life and not just in my brain.

I've decided to practice thinking about this as a beginning of my rebirthing process. I was writing about "rebirthing" myself last week. It started when I decided I needed 9 months to reach my goal of getting my body to shed a lot of fat. And thinking about the fat as symbolic of all the shit I carry with me--the false beliefs, the self-excoriation, the self-destructiveness, the fear and shame and sadness--all that. I am so tired. So tired physically, mentally, emotionally. Not so much spiritually. My spiritual life is pretty vibrant, and I think that is the cause of this new phase of healing. All the practices I've incorporated into my life seem to be finally germinating.

Yesterday I was saying to Yoda that I'm feeling like I'm doing better with some things. I did not fall into the void with this recent crisis as I might have a few months ago. Something in me is stronger. He said, well in the more archaic versions of psychodynamic therapy/theory, I might say that you are developing a stronger ego-state, a stronger ability to be in your self. I shook my head no, and said, "No, that is not what is happening. It is more spiritual than that. That self that's getting through all this is not my SELF as I am coming to know it." He smiled and said something along these lines, "I said that was an archaic way of putting it. I agree...the ego-state self is a part, a manager part. It can be called upon to help you, but it is not your SELF. Most people don't live through SELF--they live through self. It is different." And I nodded because I feel what he says is true.

It has taken me a long time to claw my way to this understanding and acceptance of the idea of SELF that encompasses many parts, many selfs. And when I can tune into that frequency of SELF, I am in far better shape--even when my body and mind are at war. The symptoms abate faster, and I don't hate myself so much for what is happening to me, or even for how it is affecting other people. It is what it is. Call it "illness" or "disability" or whatever...I am traveling the path I'm on. I can't make all the choices, but I can make some. And I can practice seeing all of this from a different perspective. It's not as simple as "the cup's half-empty/half-full." It's far more complicated and takes a lot more effort.

I bought a magnet yesterday that has a quote from Vivian Greene (a kind of pop "feel-good" inspirer who I'd never heard of): "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about learning to dance in the rain." I bought this because it is true for me. And because it reminded me of a day long ago when my children were small. We were staying at my family's small beach cottage, crowded in on a rainy summer day, and there was nothing to do. The kids were cranky and I was desperate. So we suited up in boots and slickers and went out puddle jumping. For two hours. We puddle jumped along the road, and then came back and "puddle-jumped" through the tidepools on the long, rocky beach. We sang songs the whole time. It is one of my fondest memories of things I've done with my children, and it was such a simple thing. Such a simple change of perspective. Something broke me out of the struggle and stress of entertaining them inside the crowded house and, poof, suddenly we had fun in the rain. I want to bring this kind of open thinking to my own life.

I'm not going to "get better" anytime soon in terms of my physical issues and my trauma issues. But if I can practice thinking more openly about how I spend time in my day-to-day life, perhaps I can live within my challenges more happily and peacefully. I'm practicing. I'm learning. And it's all going to be okay.

 

[Hope4Now]

Lease signed. Beds made. Random yoga pillows and exercise stuff dropped off along with a case of lime seltzer and a bunch of canned goods to make vegetarian chili (IF I can find my small crock pot!). Tomorrow, another load. Hope is to move in and stay starting on Thursday. I wish tomorrow because I will not be able to keep up this 4 hours of driving every day. But, I have to get the brakes repaired on my car on Thursday morning, so will have to do that. And it will still be a lot of driving for me to get to therapy 3x week. Sigh.

However...

The beach is two blocks away, and it is a gorgeous one. I wish I could walk long distances so I could pace the beach for hours each day. But I can at least get there and sit :). And less than a block away is a bay which we can see a little from the windows. And the sunset tonight was spectacular. And just the salt air delights me. I live near the water anyway, but we don't get the breezes.

I am peculiarly excited about this place. I am actually looking forward to being there. I am concerned, though, about the toll my being away is going to take on my relationship with my husband. Because the way this school works, my daughter is there 7 days per week because of the play and clubs and activities as well as Saturday classes. So I will be there pretty much full time.

We shall see. My daughter seems happy, so that is good. She has a crush already, and got two callback auditions for music groups, and got into a play. She is making friends. She signed up for a bunch of clubs. She has caught up with nearly all the work she missed when she was having the crises. So all of this is really for her. But I'm aiming to find ways to make it help me too...if I can make it through the grind of packing and unpacking in the midst of everything else. My physical self is not up for this.

 

[Hope4Now]

The accumulated stress hit me yesterday. Always seems to be the case...once I can sort of catch my breath and relax a little, I crash out in one way or another from the stress if I've managed to get through whatever crisis there has been. So, I am a little sick. Headache, heartburn, malaise, and the fibro pain has flared badly. Stayed in bed or on the couch yesterday and today. Did some things yesterday but nothing today. I am not sleeping well at all. Averaging 4 hours. And for some reason, I've not been able to sleep during the day since I've been living in the cottage. So I'm pretty wiped out.

But...daughter has had 2 good days. So I'm hopeful all this will have been worth it. I cannot live with the roller coaster she has been on.

I learned something about myself physically this week though. I hold enormous tension in my body. Always braced for something. But it's not a brace like ready to fight. It's more like my body is striving to leave the earth. My energy is way up high outside my body and/or in my head. I have been working very hard to get myself to sink into the ground, or the bed, or the chair. To bring my energy down low, into my core. I think this is what people mean when they talk about grounding. Feel your feet on the floor, your butt in the seat, whatever. Except I've learned that is useless for me because I feel these things from the outside, not from the inside of my body. But when I can move my energy into my body and get it down low, it's like everything relaxes a little.

BUT THEN...the parts start zooming. I noticed the whole process today. I got my energy inside and low. I felt the tension in my whole body ratchet down a few notches. I had a delighted moment of the physicality. Then emotions started to happen, but before I could even identify them, protector parts flew in and started on me in very unpleasant ways, and when I was able to drag my attention back to my energy and my body, I had to start all over again. I've been cycling like this all day, whenever I can remember, whenever I'm not hijacked by one part or another.

I have also gained some insight into my core problem of all of them. It goes back to being a newborn and infant. A desperate aching need for safety and protection and love and gentleness from another human being. This, without a big pricetag on it. I didn't have that, and it left a ragged gaping hole in my psyche that I have been trying to fill ever since. It has never been filled. Because although I'm desperate for it, I am also terrified to trust another person could and would actually provide what I need (in parts talk, some of my young parts are desperate for it, while older ones deny any need). It's like what they call disorganized attachment I guess. Anyway, it was a big realization for me. Even though I have read all about this kind of stuff over and over again, I'm understanding it on a deeper level. And it is terrifying because I know the answer is that I am going to have to grieve my loss of this.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have reached either a new low, or a new healing phase. I have no clue which one.

I have been fairly scrambled for the past few days in between some good realizations about my physical self and what is happening to me. I have been relatively functional...performing the few minimal tasks that are required of me, and even attending a concert last night with a friend I haven't seen for a while.

But at some point last night, I scratched myself up again. Nothing terrible, but disturbing nonetheless as this is something I thought was over and done with. Then today I got hijacked by a part. A young one. It kind of came and went all day. Still is. That, by itself, is nothing too new (although today's was more intense than usual and came with all sorts of whistles and bells like vocalizations and intense emotional reactivity). What was NEW (at least I think, but then I'm never quite sure) is that somehow or other I let this part be seen by my therapist. Let's just put it this way: at one point, I found myself sitting on his floor making a drawing on a piece of paper with a marker. It looked like something a really young child would draw. As soon as I realized this and how crazy it was, I crumpled it up. Then I spent the rest of the appointment messing around with a Playmobile toy set, sitting on the floor with him. I was sort of floating in and out of this kid part but I just couldn't seem to pull myself together to be more normal.

I know I did this. It freaks me out completely. He is not a child therapist. I am not a child. I know I have child parts--they are loud and clear in flashbacks many times every day. But I don't let people SEE this shit. And I am totally confused in my feelings about all this. Because it was kind of nice to play with the toy and sit on the floor with Yoda and not have to talk very much. But it was also horrifying that it was happening.

Now I have parts excoriating me for letting this happen and saying okay that's it we can't go back to this therapist anymore. But also I know that is not right and that these are protector parts who are afraid that something very bad will happen if these kid parts get out and get seen or, worse, heard. And they have a lot to say if my journals and the cacophony in my head are any indication. But somehow I think that maybe, as horrifying as it is, that at least one wall is coming down and that maybe it is okay that this is happening and maybe it will lead to healing this part.

So I am in this bizarre spiral. It's different from, but shares similarities with the catatonic/cataleptic stuff where I have an engaged brain, but my body is not connected to or responding to the executive signals.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS. At all. I like to be in CONTROL of what I say and do. Doesn't everyone? At least when I go into the total shutdown thing I don't say anything or do anything that reveals my inner world.

My life before all this stuff came exploding out might not have been particularly happy on the inside, but it was much simpler.

I keep thinking I've got through the worst of it, but today is making me think otherwise. Making me think my system is just beginning the great meltdown. That these past four years have been just the prelude.

Shit.

 

[shimmerz]

But also I know that is not right and that these are protector parts who are afraid that something very bad will happen if these kid parts get out and get seen or, worse, heard.

It makes sense that this is going on with the protector parts. There was a reason that child was frozen in time and kept inside. She needed protecting.

The thing is, once things shift around to feel safe, these parts can be worked with. And it upsets the system. But that is the idea behind the work. A balancing act. Not upsetting the system so much that it goes haywire and puts one in danger, but just enough to prove a few points. Like 'Hey! Guys! Things are calmer and let's get working together because this really isn't working well for any of us' type of points.

the catatonic/cataleptic stuff where I have an engaged brain, but my body is not connected to or responding to the executive signals.

And what is happening in your brain when you are in these spells? Do you brain patterns work? How do you try to get out? Do you try to move your whole body or do you work on just a tiny part (like pinky finger?). Who do you feel you are bargaining with when you try to release yourself?

I keep thinking I've got through the worst of it, but today is making me think otherwise.

Based on my 'stuff' I think it sounds like you have been through the most chaotic part. The last part is getting down to brass tacks. Facing the 'real issue' and that is no treat. But it is the point of it all, I think. You don't want to stop moving now!

Hugs my friend
Shimmerz