Strange Star

[sun seeker]

and a part that was a dog

Hmm... I have one of those too. When does your emerge?

 

[sun seeker]

I have a question about freezing/learning to come out of freeze. I learned more about this from you than ever before or since, @shimmerz. And when you were there, your strategies for coming out usually worked because usually I wanted to come out. Usually my reason for freezing was in the past but triggered by events in the present, and if I could come back, I could see that and move on.

A couple of weeks ago I went into one of the deepest freeze states I've ever been in, and it went on for quite a while because even as I was doing it, I was aware that it was a strategy for protecting myself from what was going on in the present. Shutting out information that was too painful from leaking into my body and causing havoc. I stayed there because there was nothing in me that wanted to come back.

When it's like that, do you have a different strategy? As Hope says, it's a kind of escape...

 

[shimmerz]

When I broke the freeze by choice (and keep in mind, as you both know, I do still freeze at times), I had a very interesting situation arise. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I remember something happening to me, I can't recall what, and it was overwhelming. And I was standing by the front door, looking into the closet (not that that part matters) and actually caught myself in real live thought patterns wishing that I would go down.

WHAT????? This thing that I had spent 5-6 years trying to STOP doing - and here I had caught myself wanting it???? OMfreakingG. It was nuts.

I stayed there because there was nothing in me that wanted to come back.

Yes, and the key here is 'come back to what'. Can you provide for yourself a 'thing' that you can anchor that you always want to come back to? For me, I am pretty sure it was my kids.... therefore the interruption in my drop attacks (unless the kids were away at their dad's for the weekend). The anchor I used (and found this while I was at your place Sun) was freedom.

I wanted the freedom to decide to go down if I wanted to. That is why learning how to do the trance/freeze bit on my own was so very important. Because once I could prove to myself that I knew how to go in when I wanted to ..... the problem was solved (mostly). Now don't get me wrong, sometimes something will catch me off guard and I will freeze up. It is a problem for sure. But I don't drop 15 times a day, nor can I say that I even freeze 1x every month or two.

Not sure if this is helpful at all.

 

[shimmerz]

I know I had a girl part and a boy part and a part that was a dog (! lol!).

See, this has me even further believing that this is SO much an attachment issue. We find inappropriate attachments when we need connection. For me a large one was my teddy bear. And we attach. Not in the way that we need to; not in a bi-directional way, which is necessary for secure attachment, so I am sure this is why I take too much responsibility for relationships in my life. Can't let shit go. Hold on, grasp on, and then suddenly let go.

I shouldn't have had to have done that, you know?

 

[sun seeker]

See, this has me even further believing that this is SO much an attachment issue. We find inappropriate attachments when we need connection.

Yes, only I'll add a caveat. I was purposely manipulated so that a part of me would believe it was a dog. It wasn't an attachment issue for me. I agree with you that it can be, but there are exceptions.

 

[sun seeker]

Can you provide for yourself a 'thing' that you can anchor that you always want to come back to?

Sigh. No. That's the point it's gotten to.

I wanted the freedom to decide to go down if I wanted to.

I totally understand this. There is freedom in being able to choose. When life is intolerable, it's one way out. I don't shut down quite as thoroughly as you do, but I can shut down enough to tide me over in case of emergency.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hmm... I have one of those too. When does your emerge?

Interesting that you have one too. I am so sad to hear that it was forced upon you. That is definitely a whole different story. I don't know when I developed this part exactly, but I know I actually "was" a dog when I was 2/3/4 years old until my parents made me stop. My dog was my attachment for nearly 11 years and I was devastated when she died. Then I attached to the new pup who was with me for 14 years. I don't know what happened to my dog part. I think maybe it integrated? Or maybe that's the part of me that likes to lie down in the deer beds in the snowy woods. It's a very sensory part of me. A part that is deeply connected to nature. I don't know, maybe it is still there. Interesting question.

When does yours emerge, Sun?

I was aware that it was a strategy for protecting myself from what was going on in the present.

I wanted the freedom to decide to go down if I wanted to.

These are pretty interesting comments. I'm curious...are your shutdowns brought on by external things? Just asking, because I think mine aren't so much. I think they come from the internal chaos...kind of like circuit overload.

this is SO much an attachment issue. We find inappropriate attachments when we need connection.

Sigh. Yes. And aside from my dog, I was deeply and profoundly attached to my stuffed animals, especially a large rabbit. When I came home from school one day and found the basket with all of my stuffies in it at the top of the driveway next to the trash, I was shocked. My mom had dumped them all. The trash truck had not yet arrived. I can't imagine how upset I would have been had they been gone. I dragged the basket back to the house and we had a huge fight about it. It seems so silly in some ways, but it was a deep betrayal for me that she would have done that. And just another example of how she could not fathom that I would like something she didn't.

I shouldn't have had to have done that, you know?

No, you shouldn't have. That child in you needs a lot of love and compassion and connection.

 

[Hope4Now]

Argh. Saw Wag the psychiatrist today. Very glad to see her as it has been almost a month and I kind of need the three day a week thing. I see Yoda on Mondays and Fridays, and her on Wednesdays. Kind of pathetic that I rely on that consistency, but I do.

She is asking me to get a neuropsychological evaluation. Says it will help her develop a better treatment plan for me. Humph. Not sure how I feel about jumping through this hoop. It kind of scares me actually. Mostly the IQ test. I had the IQ test a long while back, and it made me feel quite good about myself in some ways (I also learned a lot about my learning style!). But now I'm a bit nervous because I am most certain that my IQ will have plummeted. And the irony is that I don't put a lot of stock in IQ tests anyway--there are so many issues with their limitations. But that part of me that likes labels and diagnoses and grades and etc. is quite concerned about all this. And the projective testing makes me nervous too. I have this irrational fear that they will say I am a supreme narcissist, or a sociopath or something hideous. Somehow having a neuropsych feels far more threatening to me than a regular therapeutic or even psychiatric evaluation. It kind of feels like some stranger is doing an MRI on your psyche. I don't much like the idea. She said we could talk more about it next week.

 

[shimmerz]

I agree with you that it can be, but there are exceptions.

Yes, of course. There are always exceptions. I am wondering if with the manipulation there are not attachment issues though? The cult style manipulations many times are based on double binds that are based on morally based connection issues that force one to see others as more important aren't they? I may be totally off the wall here....but that is my impression.

 

[aut555]

My daughter had anxiety attacks and was depressed at age 14. I stayed in abusive relationship because l was so worried about her. She was bullied at school, a kid told her he wanted to kill her in second grade. I homeschooled her until about 5th grade. She jumped into public school system but was way to far ahead so she went to online school. She went to performance art high school which helped her. During that time, she made appointment and was prescribed antidepressants and she is now off them. So glad you were able to help your daughter despite your own struggles.

 

[Hope4Now]

This in my emailbox today.
Wish I could release this...
Type Five EnneaThought for October 5th

Make this Release today: "I now release feeling that I am a misfit in life." What does this mean to you? (Enneagram Transformations, 71)

 

[Hope4Now]

@aut555 I am glad your daughter has done well. I'm so sorry you stayed in an abusive relationship, though. It is so hard to know how to balance our children's needs with our own. Have YOU moved on now to taking care of you?