Is Friendship Over?

[Serena D'souza]

My best friend is good at hiding what he feels or wants and does not usually talk about his feelings. But with me, he would talk to me and tell me what’s going on or if something is bothering him. We both treated each other as family.

Few years ago, he went on a trip and when he came back, he started ignoring me. I thought maybe it was his girlfriend that is telling him to be distant from me.

Few months later, he messaged me to ask to meet up but I denied because I was mad at him for ignoring me. Then one night, he messaged me to tell me that he has PTSD since he came from his trip because something terrible happened. This is the reason why he was being so distant and ignoring me. He told me that he pushed everyone close to him away because we were the ones that would be able to tell that there is something wrong with him. He was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to find out. So he pushed us away whereas he kept some friends around because he knows that they won’t be able to tell any difference.

I felt like such a terrible friend and instantly forgot about all the times I felt hurt by him. I felt like I was not there for him when he needed me or how I should’ve known something was wrong with him. This whole time I felt he ignored me because he didn’t care about me. Basically, I felt really guilty.

This has been going on for 2 years, and I am still trying to talk to him. I would message him here and there, and he gives rude responses. I told him how it hurts me when he is rude to me to which he responded that he does not care about me anymore. How I am not his friend and how we drifted apart and he finds me annoying now.

I have been researching about PTSD and I see a lot of similar symptoms in his behaviour. However, I do not know if what he is telling me is the truth. I get the impression he doesn’t care about me. But then he sometimes does little things that may imply he does care (like how he does not reply to anyone, but he would respond to me, even though it would be rude). It also appears that he purposely pushes me away so we remain distant to avoid having any talks.

I have tried so hard to be friends with him. I make sure that there is no reference to PTSD when I talk to him and I also make sure that I do not trigger it. However, I do not know the trauma. I want everything between us to go back to normal, like the way it used to be. I don’t know what to do. But if he is better off without me, I am okay to stop trying to amend it. But how do I tell if really does not want me around or if he is just showing signs of PTSD? Because one moment he tells me he cares for me and then another he tells me that he does not. Has someone ever experienced this in their friendship? Am I suppose to stop talking to him?

 

[Ronin]

Because one moment he tells me he cares for me and then another he tells me that he does not.

I don't think that's trauma / PTSD talking, there, Serena.

Finding it harder to show care, or respond to being shown care because people, in general, can't be trusted (insert trauma reason n.1 to 200), sure. But trauma doesn't make one mess with people like that.

Do you have any other shared friends in common you could run this whole by?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am I suppose to stop talking to him?

There isnt a "supposed to", only what you both want or not.

Because one moment he tells me he cares

I get the impression he doesn’t care about me. But then he sometimes does little things that may imply he does care (like how he does not reply to anyone, but he would respond to me, even though it would be rude).

This sticks out at me. What you are calling "caring" is rude. Which isnt caring. Now I know the we can be short with those we care about and push away harder at the ones we care about. But you also do not deserve rude. So id lay boundries about that. If he speaks to you that you will not accept rude. Be nice and caring when you lay it but please lay that boundry as you dont deserve that and he needs to know that he cant take everything out on you.

And then I would directly ask him. Ask him if he cares anymore as you two have grown distant as you were trying to give him space and any time he speaks to you its very rude.

If he replies that he cares or if you two work it out, thats the perfect time to lay the boundry for future messages.

If he doesnt care, im sorry and i know that hurts but then cut your losses and move on. As much as that sucks and hurts, you dont deserve this treatment and need to let go if thats what he wants.

And yes, if theres a mutal friend in this support system Id ask and talk to them about it as if he is doing this to all then thats the PTSD and there might be a better way to handle all of this. Ive just recently been able to stand up for myself a little bit and id hate for you think that rude is caring as it isnt.

I hope this all works out!