Depression And Death

[Snowflake]

For many years I thought of death and dying on a daily basis. I was angry that I so eagerly was awaiting to die yet never did, and yet innocent people were dying all around me as a result of accidents, health, murders etc. I know I always had the option of taking my life, and I thought about it seriously, but I was a chicken and could never follow through. So now I have breast cancer. Hmmmm-I can skip all treatments and let things happen naturally or I can fight and stop it in its tracks. So as I still here wide awake at 3:00AM, I am amazed that for so many years I have wanted to die and now Ive been given this outlet. But then another part of me is scared, another part of me is "downplaying it saying it's nothing and very minor" similar to always downplaying my abuse-(still do), and another part of me is angry because I feel my therapy and my relationship with my therapist has changed drastically because of this health issue and I don't know how to fix it. Again I am feeling stuck-paralyzed-not knowing what's happening or going to happen with my health or therapy. I'm annoyed I was in a swim exercise program and now I have to put that on hold-annoyed I can't lose weight-annoyed a coworker can take 12 days off a month for a headache with no reprocussion yet my a doctor thinks I won't have side effects from 33 days of radiation....so he won't fill out the fmla form at this time. (Occasional time off). I guess I'm just venting-depression or death not sure what's best....easiest....

 

[hodge]

Oh, Snowflake! I am so sorry. Please, please do the treatment!! Depression and life is better -- because then you have a chance of feeling better. Big :hug:s

 

[Nevermore]

@Snowflake i agree with @hodge! Depression is temporary, death is permanent!
I wish your doctor would give you some time off to recover. It's huge what you're going through. Please hang in there
Big hugz from me too.

 

[Ronin]

^ This.

Depression is temporary, even if dragging.
Anything in life, as long as you're around, can get to the point it's maybe not better, but more bearable.

Death doesn't do that.

 

[intothelight]

@Snowflake I am sorry to read about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed with a blood cancer a few years ago and it is a big shock and with PTSD it can really shake you up. There were times that not treating or quitting treatment crossed my mind and there were times that the drugs and treatments themselves played havoc with the PTSD so getting your therapist on board is critical. If your doctor isn't going to work with you to meet your needs, then seek a second opinion and perhaps a new oncologist is in order. The effects of radiation are cumulative and fatigue can increase as treatment goes on so just having your FLMA paperwork completed is on stressor off your plate and it is imperative that you do what you can to reduce any source of stress.

Now for the other side, as having cancer and treating caused a paradigm shift in my own thinking. I found that I really did want to live and the diagnosis made me do some hard and fast changes.. Also, by focusing on my health, I found that a lot of things helped my PTSD. If you can, check out integrative oncology and if there is a practitioner that you can have access to, it can really be beneficial not only to your physical, but emotional and mental health too. I wish you the best as you go through this.

 

[Sideways]

I have to coexist with a lot of suicidal thoughts. It's a pretty awful existence, but it's temporary, like the guys above have said. A very long sort of temporary, but this isn't who I am forever, even if it's all I've known so far. And there is a degree of ambivalence about it for me: part of me is absolutely certain that I want to suicide, but part of me isn't. For some reason I have trouble acknowledging that part of me wants to live.

I mention that because part of you genuinely seems to want to survive. Part of you is rightly cheesed off that the treatment you need is going to prevent you from doing things you want to do, doing things that are good for you and improve your life. The deal is - as we recover from depression, that's all we want. Not the suicide part, but the part that wants to try things and improve things and... Imagine what that would be like - getting to the point where the whole of our mind just wants to keep living? That's why we keep fighting.

So fight. Get the therapy you need. Find the courage to do something that indicates a commitment to your future, to your health. I can only imagine how scary it must be having received your diagnosis, but that's not the way out, even if you were determined to end it, that's not the kind of suffering you'd put yourself through.

Not going for treatment, avoiding this decision, and doing the right thing for your future, may seem easier right now. But the part of your mind that wants to swim and look good and get treated fairly at work - that's the part of your mind that you focus on. The version of you that has a future.

I'm so sorry about that awful news - use all the supports available and be gentle with yourself. But do this for yourself. Get the treatment. Allow yourself to look after you, and your future. And try and let yourself acknowledge- it's good that I'm fighting for my health, for me.

Is depression or suicide easier? Neither. Ambivalence, refusing to choose, refusing to pick a side, that's easier. But this time, you have to choose. Choose the part of your brain that is healthy, and wants a future. Who knows, maybe choosing treatment will help you past the inability to commit to life?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Snowflake in the end, we all make our own decisions to live or to end it. Depression is tough to deal with. On top of it you have PTSD and cancer.

You are scared, you are tired, you may not be eating very good right now, and you're not sleeping. All which add to the problems I just listed. And all just make thinking clearly more difficult.

I'm not one to step in and try to convince someone to not end their life. I believe that we all have that choice to make. I would just ask you to really think about it hard and long, and to ask yourself this question.... what is it that you are trying to end, your life or the battle???? :hug:

 

[hodge]

@She Cat's post above really hit home for me. You now have a new battle on top of PTSD. It really sucks, but you can win it. And we will be here to support you all the way, hon. :hug:

 

[Snowflake]

But again I feel like my trauma is being ignored, neglected and forgotten. And it's my health that's interfering -which as a child I was punished for (getting sick) - I am so needy with my therapist and I felt dealing with abuse connected me with her -now I feel more distant. Like I'm not worth it nor worth her time.

A part of me is saying "grow up" neither the trauma or the cancer is serious. And another part of me feels the opposite.

 

[hodge]

It is so okay to be needy with your T. That's what they're there for. And you need a lot these days. And you deserve a lot.

Both the trauma and cancer are serious. Get your butt into treatment! You are a good person with lots to offer, but right now you need to take care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Snowflake I know that you feel like your trauma is being ignored right now. I hear that. I know you feel that your relationship has changed with your therapist because of your diagnosis of cancer, I hear that too.

I think logically. I think that your T is more concerned with you dealing with the cancer right now, and feels that your trauma can sit for awhile. A cancer diagnosis on top of PTSD is a HUGE issue to deal with. It f*cks not only with the body, but with our minds. I think your T is just trying to make sure that you and your mind are dealing with the cancer diagnosis on a healthy level first, so that you can move forward with the cancer treatment. It doesn't mean your relationship has changed, it's just on a different level right now.

You are also not that small child afraid to tell someone that you are sick. You are a "strong" adult, that is capable of asking for help. You do that every time you post on this forum.

 

[hodge]

Yep, what @She Cat said. You've got to deal with the cancer first. Don't worry about anything else. It'll still be there, but try to keep your focus on healing the cancer. This would be a good time to think of things to expose yourself to, things that would make you feel better. Any music videos or novels, anything that would feed your spirit. More :hug:s