I am new to all of this and am grateful to have found a community that might be able to help me.
I am 21 years old. I was in an on and off relationship for several years with a somewhat forceful boyfriend who often pushed me into doing things that I was uncomfortable with. There are a few times in particular that really stand out to me in which I was crying and he did not care and continued to do what he wanted. For example he really pressured me to lose my virginity at age 16 which I cried through and experienced a lot of guilt afterwards especially when my parents eventually found out. Things did got better eventually and I started to enjoy sex with him, to the point where I was oddly hypersexual. Towards the end of the relationship I was feel quite depressed though and began to indulge in self destructive behavior that I hadn't engaged in for a long time ie my eating disorder and cutting and drinking to black out every night. Certain positions during sex brought me to a really dark place in which I struggled to stay calm, often resorting to visualizing myself floating above what was happening to me. One night while having sex my boyfriend roughly pulled my hair at which point I curled up into a ball and struggled to breathe and was overcome with tears and emotion. I was dumbfounded by this reaction (unsure whether to call it a flashback or not) until my boyfriend confessed that I had months earlier while extremely intoxicated had told him that I had been sexually abused when I was younger. At this point everything started to click. When we broke up a couple months later he told me that my severe reaction which I thought of as an isolated event had happened before while I was a few time while I was blackout drunk. The thing is I really don't remember what happened, despite the fact that I truly feel like I must have been sexually abused as a child. Could I be making this all up? I also have nightmares occasionally where I can feel hands on me touching me In a sexual manner and I can't wake up. I'm with a new person now fortunately who is much better at reading me and recognizing when I'm panicking so I thought things were getting better despite the fact that I still have to often envision myself floating above to get through sex. He tells me that I have a certain look in my eyes that lets him know when I'm having a hard time. However he just (accidentally) pulled my hair during sex and I immediately shut down and started crying. It's so frustrating to me though because I have no memories. This has been happening over the course of 7 months now and I have no explanation for why I'm reacting like this. I'm convinced that it's not just the situations with my first boyfriend that are doing this to me, I can't shake the feeling that it's also childhood sexual abuse, but I have no idea who or how t happened. Is this possible? Please help me, I'm starting to feel crazy.
I am 21 years old. I was in an on and off relationship for several years with a somewhat forceful boyfriend who often pushed me into doing things that I was uncomfortable with. There are a few times in particular that really stand out to me in which I was crying and he did not care and continued to do what he wanted. For example he really pressured me to lose my virginity at age 16 which I cried through and experienced a lot of guilt afterwards especially when my parents eventually found out. Things did got better eventually and I started to enjoy sex with him, to the point where I was oddly hypersexual. Towards the end of the relationship I was feel quite depressed though and began to indulge in self destructive behavior that I hadn't engaged in for a long time ie my eating disorder and cutting and drinking to black out every night. Certain positions during sex brought me to a really dark place in which I struggled to stay calm, often resorting to visualizing myself floating above what was happening to me. One night while having sex my boyfriend roughly pulled my hair at which point I curled up into a ball and struggled to breathe and was overcome with tears and emotion. I was dumbfounded by this reaction (unsure whether to call it a flashback or not) until my boyfriend confessed that I had months earlier while extremely intoxicated had told him that I had been sexually abused when I was younger. At this point everything started to click. When we broke up a couple months later he told me that my severe reaction which I thought of as an isolated event had happened before while I was a few time while I was blackout drunk. The thing is I really don't remember what happened, despite the fact that I truly feel like I must have been sexually abused as a child. Could I be making this all up? I also have nightmares occasionally where I can feel hands on me touching me In a sexual manner and I can't wake up. I'm with a new person now fortunately who is much better at reading me and recognizing when I'm panicking so I thought things were getting better despite the fact that I still have to often envision myself floating above to get through sex. He tells me that I have a certain look in my eyes that lets him know when I'm having a hard time. However he just (accidentally) pulled my hair during sex and I immediately shut down and started crying. It's so frustrating to me though because I have no memories. This has been happening over the course of 7 months now and I have no explanation for why I'm reacting like this. I'm convinced that it's not just the situations with my first boyfriend that are doing this to me, I can't shake the feeling that it's also childhood sexual abuse, but I have no idea who or how t happened. Is this possible? Please help me, I'm starting to feel crazy.
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