Criticism From Boss, Feeling Violated

[Leni]

I've had an absolute horrible experience with my boss today.

I have been hired for a temporary 6 month job. The workload is insane, the pressure is high, but my understanding was that nobody is expecting miracles from me the first few months. I've even been told it takes 6 months to learn to do the job and a year to become good at the job. That's what I entered the job with.

However, about a few weeks ago I started getting criticism from my supervisor that I really didn't know what to do with. She told me my production was low (writing decisions, closing projects), which she said she pretty much told everyone that is new, so I thought, ok, that's expected that my production is low since I just started here (plus I had 2.5 weeks of approved vacation). Then she told me that I'm not as independent at work as I should be, that I should use our 'manuals' more (she didn't say that, but it pretty much means I ask for advice from the decision-making officer that I'm assigned to a little too often). My use of the language was also criticised (it's not English, btw). I also confided in her that the oral interviews that are a part of my job are something I've been struggling with a little, but that I do think it's a matter of time and experience and that it's definitely going to get better in time (thinking back, I should have not said that, but hey, she f*cking asked me).

And today I had the big talk (halfway through my six months) with the big boss and it was horrible.

She told me my production is extremely low and quizzed me about individual projects. I gave her answer to all of her questions as I am on top of my game and know what is happening in each case. She basically told me that is unacceptable for my production to be so low at that point. She then continued to tell me that I do not have the potential to be a good case worker - that she can see it already. (How can you see something like that 2.5 months into a job?!?!? Also - how is that supposed to help me become a better employee?!?!)

She then asked me why am I so nervous all the time, that even when she meets me in the corridor at work, she can sense my nervousness and anxiety and I explained to her it's because she is my boss so that may be why I appear nervous. She then asks me if I'm nervous right now - while we're talking - and I said that yes, I am nervous because she is my boss and I'm naturally nervous. She then proceeds to tell me that I am making her nervous with my nervosity and that I have to do something about that. What? Am I dreaming or is this really out of line?

She told me she heard from others (undefined others) that I get very negatively affected by various parts of the job (like customer service, where I sit on the phone for two hours a day several days a week), to which I said that it was like that in the beginning, but that it's gotten much better and that I actually have no problem sitting in the customer service at all now. She pretty much didn't accept that and waved what I said off.

I also told her I think the job is fun, especially the initial stages of project work - when I get the project and I read through it and study it and that I think I'm actually good at it. She told me: "Ok, you think that you're good at it, but we don't think that."

Every single explanation or defense I came up with to each critique, was thrown promptly back in my face, I felt attacked, I was in absolute shock and in the end I just wanted her to go away.

She hasn't - not once - offered any way of me fixing the problem. Oh, except if I want someone to sit with me during the oral interviews, which is just not a practical nor workable solution as no others have the time for that shit, plus I really don't see how ti would help me in the long run.

No suggestion, beside that one, was given to me on how to streamline my work or how to become better at whatever she was telling me I'm bad at. She just asked me repeatedly what help or assistance I need, to which I couldn't answer as I don't see myself as having any specific problem with anything.

Yeah, she also said she got a complaint about some interview I did - my very fist one ever - and when I asked her what was it about, she wouldn't tell me. What? Why would you then tell me about that?

I'm absolutely baffled and I feel like this might have crossed some line somewhere, or am I wrong? Should I just take this critique? I feel almost violated by it ... especially her bit about my anxiety/nervousness. WTF was that supposed to be about?

I felt like quitting on the spot, really.

 

[Leni]

I'd like to add that I have said repeatedly to her that I think all I need is more time at the job to gain all the necessary experience ... I didn't know what else to say, frankly.

I also asked her if she can think of some way for me to get help or improve and she told me that it's usually the other way around - her employees asking her for help, not the other way around.

So no suggestion. No help. Nothing. Just bunch of negative BS.

 

[dulcia]

Such a ridiculous boss with such ridiculous expectations probably means other employees who are feeling how you're feeling or who have been through what you're going through, right? Is there anyone you could track down to help show you the ropes? I don't know what kind of casework you're doing but I've done investigative duties for a US organization that involved high case loads and I didn't learn squat until I shadowed someone for each of the different stages of the investigation -- intake, interviews, phone interviews, etc. Another plus with shadowing was that I didn't take any time away from other caseworkers who were swamped because I was literally just following them and watching what they were already doing.

It might suck for you for a bit taking on the extra work of shadowing someone, but is that something that might help and is possible? Sounds like it's going to suck either way anyway with such a ****h in charge anyway..

 

[Sideways]

In most relationships, we get to make our own choices about how we do things, what our priorities are. And if someone criticises the way we go about things, we're free to ignore that person and find someone who gels with us better.

The workplace is different. The boss is paying us to do the job the way they want it done.

If I take a job doing spreadsheets of financial stats, I might walk in with a load of experience, and plenty of confidence in the way I do spreadsheets. I'm feeling like this is gonna work, I can pick up the differences from my previous workplaces as I settle in, but mostly, I'm going to use what I already know and pump out spreadsheets the same way I've always done. Great.

But if my boss comes in one day and tells me, quite specifically, that there's certain things I'm doing that she doesn't like, that she doesn't like my style of spreadsheets, and she expects me to do them the way all the other employees do them, I have a problem. Regardless of how much experience and confidence I have, I do have to produce what she wants.

The boss is paying me to pump out spreadsheets the way she wants them. And it's beside the point (especially as a temp) if I think my way is pretty good. I'm being paid to do the work the way my boss likes it done. I can make suggestions for improving the status quo, but ultimately, I need to satisfy my boss that I can do the job she's paying me for the way she wants it done. It can really suck.

For example: your boss has given you feedback that you seem nervous. She's made it clear that's an issue. So you have 2 options: ignore the boss and risk getting fired for not doing things the way she expects, or you can address it. The boss clearly thinks I need to project more confidence- how are the other workers doing that, and what do I need to do differently?

Time is clearly another big issue. While it's awesome that you find parts of your job fun, having fun comes second to doing the job the boss is expecting. So again, how much time do other workers spend on each task? And even though it migt be fun, where do I have to start churning through more stuff? Where am I overworking and under-producing?

In terms of who decides what help you need, that probably depends on what sort of training was meant to come as part of the job. If the boss hired you on the basis that you had experience and wouldn't need training, then it's reasonable for her to let you come up with some ideas and see if the workplace can accommodate that. If your boss knew you had no experience, then she's being unrealistic to not provide training. Probably you're somewhere in the middle, with experience but also areas you needed some training in? So maybe brainstorm some ideas, and then discuss what would work with your boss. If the job didn't come with training and the expectation was you had sufficient experience, boss doesn't actually have to train you how to do the job.

Criticism is never fun. But from what you've written, your boss was fairly specific about the areas where your productivity and her expectations weren't matching. And when we're getting paid for work, it's the expectations of the person paying for the work that matter, so long as those expectations are realistic and reasonable.

I'm sorry this has turned into a shitty situation. But your boss has given you a lot of clear feedback about the areas she'd like you to do things differently. As stupid as her ideas might be? That's what she's paying for, so work with her and her guidelines. Learning to adapt could make this a much better work experience for you than it currently is.

 

[Leni]

In most relationships, we get to make our own choices about how we do things, what our prioritie...

Yeah, I was not ready for this sort of response ...

1. I'm absolutely new at this job (3 months - 2.5 weeks = 2.5 months of active experience out of which the first couple of weeks were really just bunch of theoretical education, my tasks are complex, not some idiotic spread-sheets)

2. I had a 'similar' job before that I did for a couple of months prior to starting at *this* job. Totally different tasks, but the same title.

3. No, my boss did not make it clear it's an issue, please re-read what I wrote. She made an idiotic comment about me being nervous when she runs into me in the corridor or when I'm talking to her *right* now when she is conveying just a bunch of criticism - who the f*ck wouldn't be nervous then?!?!?! She didn't even offer any reassurance in regards to that like, for example, the simple: you have no reason to be afraid of me. She did not attempt to try to calm me down or offer a way of me calming down - or giving me a reason to calm down.

4. The boss did not give me a single suggestion about how to fix the problems that she says I have. No suggestions, no ideas, nothing. She asked me what help I need despite the fact that I don't see it as a problem. How the HELL can you ask for help with something that you personally don't think you have a problem with? Hello, constructive criticism! As far as I know, it includes offering a solution of sorts, amiright? Someone sitting with me during interviews is not a solution. It's not realistic, it's not workable, it's idiotic and she probably knows it too.

5. All she is interested in are the numbers. She doesn't care why or what. She just wants the numbers to be high. Whatever explanation I offered to her - which were all, btw, logical, she just threw back at me. Every single time I tried explaining something, she didn't even accept it!

6. About the overworking/underproducing - I did not hear any of that during my talk with my supervisor or my boss. They just say numbers are low and don't offer absolutely any insight, advice or possible solution to the specific problem. Zilch.

7. She is not paying me. She is a cog in a huge governmental machine, a really broken cog at that. She is in the charge of our *little part of the big machine*'s budget, but considering that since I started, about 15 people - senior case workers - have quit - she SHOULD be trying a little hard to help a case worker she *still* has and has at least partially train, instead of just throwing sticks under my feet.

I honestly am baffled at you seeing any 'clear lines' anywhere ... I see just a bunch of splattered shit all over.

Also, even before I started I heard from a couple of 'unnamed sources' that she is the worst boss in the entire organisation. I chose to ignore it then. Now it's been proven.

You know, I don't want to have these issues around me. I work hard. Working harder? Hardly realistic for someone that was there as short of a time as I was. I'm 100% sure of it. I'm aware of at least one other caseworker that was there for half a month longer than I and her production was IDENTICAL to mine ... (btw, I have a large number of cases just waiting to be closed, that I'll be able to close by next week, which will almost double my production) and I tried telling that to her, but it fell on deaf f*cking ears ...

You build your employees up, you don't tear them down. Or do you?

 

[Sideways]

Some people tear them down, and they're really shitty people to have to work for.

You've said again that this is her problem, not yours. If she's in charge, and she's telling you that she's not satisfied with the way you're working, you can stomp your feet and be angry at the injustice of it all, which I can understand. But ultimately, like the other workers, you have to make a call. Do you try and start addressing her expectations? Or do you walk?

It's shit. I get that. Bosses don't always have the management skills they need to be effective at their job. But unless her supervisor is going to take her to task about the way she's running her team, she's what you're working with if you decide to stay.

 

[Friday]

What I've found is that if a superior is telling me they want me to improve in areas 1 2 3 4 5... They don't want to hear why I think I don't actually need to improve. They want me to listen, take note of the areas I need to improve in if I want to stay on, and improve on them. It's not up for debate or explanation. It's them giving me specific tasks to complete. Okay. Check. Improve 1 2 3 4 5. Got it.

It sounds like, because you tried to argue, it actually became an argument. She told you to improve 1-5, you told her why you didn't, she comes back with you need to improve 1-5, you come back again with why not, and around and around you go.

 

[Sideways]

She is responsible for her own emotions, not you.

I agree with this statement. Particularly with ordinary relationships.

But the feedback from the big boss was:
1) you seem nervous now
2) you seem nervous when I pass you in the halls
3) your demeanor/presentation makes me nervous
3) she's had feedback from other employees about reacting negatively to some things some times.

What the boss appears to be saying is that there's something that she (and other employees) find uncomfortable. In a workplace, you're part of a team, so being given the heads up that you're making people uncomfortable is a legitimate issue. As part of a team, people need to feel like, well, a team. It's useful to be given feedback about how well you're working as part of that team.

When a workplace is directed at dealing with clients and customers, like here, it becomes even more relevant. When we walk into a shop and we're greeted with a smile, a hello, a "How can I help you?" oftentimes, that person isn't glad to see me, and aren't particularly enthusiastic about helping. But they're doing their job: painting on a smile, and making the client or customer feel welcome, and like there is assistance available from someone who is approachable.

Big boss may just be being a difficult cow. But she's a difficult cow who is in charge, and she's being reasonably clear that the outside presentation isn't what's expected in that workplace.

The boss is, absolutely, responsible for her own feelings. But she's also responsible for managing the team, and making sure that the people who use this service are satisfied with their experience. There are jobs where personal interaction is irrelevant, but as a case manager, if the boss says "You're demeanor makes me uncomfortable, and is making others uncomfortable", I think it's legitimate (and helpful) feedback.

If we take a job which requires interaction with the public, presentation is part of the job. And it's a bit of a joke, because the smiles we get are usually phony. But it's a pretty standard requirement in those type of roles.

If this were outside the workplace, then totally, this lady needs to deal with her own emotions. But it's a workplace, feedback about performance has been given (albeit in a pretty bitchy and ineffective way), and the workplace just isn't one of those places where each individual employee can say "I'm doing it my way".

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can't agree with @Ragdoll Circus enough. I can't even point out everything as everything she said is what I'd say.

I want to add the nervousness is VERY relivent when customer/public facing. If I sound nervous/anxious, my customers will think I am not confident when I am which to them means I have no idea what I am talking about when I do and then instantly they want someone else when I am more then capable of fixing their issue.

I have gotten MANY critisims when it comes to my anxiety at work. It is that relivent. It is possible that she said you made her nervous as a nice way to say "your anxiety is really showing" or she could be a total bitch. Neither matters as she is your boss unless you quit. Which also isn't a bad thing. It's just a choice of many choices.

Critisim at work I normally place my brain in "this is how I can improve my already awesomeness" mode. My bigger trigger is being told I did something wrong. So constructive critisim is hard but needed. So how I try to approach it is we are all human and no one is perfect so this is an oppurtunity to improve. I know it's hard but this is also your workplace and your supervisor currently.

I had a sup that would skyrocket my anxiety not because of what she said but how she said it. Like I was stupid or like I should have already known. So I just advised her, very nicely, that she was spiking my anxiety by the ways she said things to me. We had a very nice conversation about it. She said she wasn't into babying. I advised I didn't want to be babied but felt put down with how she said things and we came to a mutual agreement and no issues from then on.

But again, either way, at the end of the day, thay is your current workplace and current sup so unless abusive you really need to do as advised. And if abusive i would go above her head. Her sup.

 

[Sideways]

My bigger trigger is being told I did something wrong.

This is true for me as well, and for a lot of others with ptsd. Criticism for us can be much more difficult to take on board and process than thr average worker, and there are few bosses on the planet that would be aware of that and know how to communicate more effectively for us. Criticism is direct fuel to my "I am bad" core belief, and all the nasties come out for me.

So I don't deal well with criticism. I take it really personally, and then go away and tend to completely fall apart. Dealing with that aspect of this situation? That's very relevant as well, if not more so, and I guess it's right there in the title how hard this was - OP felt violated. That's pretty awful.

I don't want to sound like a nasty piece of ****. Criticism is really tough. Honestly, giving practical advice on how to cope with emotional aftermath of receiving criticism? I have know idea, except that the way I cope? Is not a great way to cope!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Criticism is direct fuel to my "I am bad" core belief, and all the nasties come out for me.

Exact same here.

OP felt violated. That's pretty awful.

Agreed

I don't want to sound like a nasty piece of ****. Criticism is really tough. Honestly, giving practical advice on how to cope with emotional aftermath of receiving criticism? I have know idea, except that the way I cope? Is not a great way to cope!

Maybe DBT? Distress tolerance and emotional regulation sounds on point here.

I also don't want to sound like an emotionless ass. I get critizism sucks and it's hard and can be used to abuse. But in your place of work, you need to take it and in the face of it (right then and there) pretend at least to have taken it well and agree to better yourself/your work.

 

[barefoot]

This sounds like a horrible, stressful experience.

Your boss doesn't sound very good (understatement!) at people management or giving feedback. Giving feedback is a really high level skill - when it's done well, it shouldn't come across at hard criticism, it shouldn't leave the person receiving it feeling lousy and there should be clear next steps for development, which have been agreed upon by both of you, so that you know what needs to be done and how you're going to get there.

It sounds like she threw a load of negative feedback at you (including: your productivity is too low, you'll never be a good case worker, you're too nervous) but it wasn't constructive as she then didn't work with you to come up with any solutions. She just left you feeling shitty with all the criticism.

From what you say, she has a bad rep throughout the organisation in terms of her management/communication skills and regarding what it's like to work with her. She's certainly not going to be up for any manager of the year awards!

And while I get where some of the other posters on this thread are coming from, I also think the "she's the boss, so you've got to suck it up" (I know that's me paraphrasing and my interpretation - I know this isn't what any of you have actually said!) isn't perhaps the most empowering stance for you as it gives an awful lot of power to her (the manager who, in my view, isn't doing her job well either at the moment, if this is how she handles these sorts of conversations).

That said, although giving feedback is a high level skill, there is also a skill involved in receiving feedback, if that makes sense? And, no matter how well or how incompetently the feedback is delivered to us, we always have choices - firstly, in how we deal with it/our emotional reaction and, secondly, in what we then do with the feedback (e.g., do we accept it and take it on board or do we choose to park it or to fully reject/dismiss it etc).

I have often heard the line in business/leadership settings "the best thing to say in response to feedback is 'thank you.'" No getting defensive, no justifying yourself, no trying to argue or point out why they're wrong....one person has given you their view, so thank them for taking the time to do that and then go away and decide how the feedback has landed for you, what value there is in it for you, what you want to take on and do something with, what you're going to ignore because you think it's way off the mark, what you're going to dismiss because it was simply a bitchy comment, what you're going to get someone else's view about... This can be hard, especially when you feel angry and hurt. And it takes real honesty from yourself to really go away and work out what you're going to do with the feedback - in initial, raw angry mode, you might want to call BS on all of it and reject it completely, but with a more honest examination, you may find something of value in something they said.

I don't get a sense that your boss is going to do a u-turn and start to feel differently about the points she's raised so, if you want to keep working there, you can either carry on as you are (which will likely be stressful and unsatisfying for you) or you can try to change something. I like a previous suggestion of shadowing someone else on the team - yes, that's a time commitment for you but if you're willing and able to make the time to do it, shadowing someone more experienced who is a strong member of the team in areas you find challenging (e.g. those interviews you mentioned) could be really valuable for you and you could learn a lot.

Otherwise, I think this may come down to whether you would rather look for another job. Perhaps one that is a better match for your skills and strengths. Or perhaps one where you feel more able to be yourself.

Re the nervous/anxiety thing - and I think she's handled that point very badly, btw, as the way she's approached it is likely to have made you feel more nervous! - you could, as others have touched on, "fake it to make it" and try to present more confidently. However, if you are trying to *look* that way but you don't genuinely *feel* that way, that's unlikely to be sustainable and I don't personally think that's a very empowered, healthy strategy. It is more likely to just leave you feeling stressed, incongruent and resentful.

Sorry you had this experience and that you have a pretty rubbish boss. You're entitled to feel stung. What's important now though, is what you choose to do with it.