Criticism From Boss, Feeling Violated

[Leni]

odd, I see @Friday and @Ragdoll Circus listed the specifics that...

I'm hostile? I feel the need to explain myself, so I am. I appreciate all the supportive and positive responses, not the ones that are siding with my boss. Is that wrong?

 

[aut555]

I have considered writing an email to her in which I would ask her to describe my weak areas and her sugge...

This makes sense but if she is just f with you, she won't do it. My ex is gov employee, and they spell everything out in writing and then it is signed off by your boss and put in your personnel file. So the fact that everything is verbal is disturbing because you have nothing concrete to take to the union and she knows this. Don't feed her, she is baiting you with anything, and you haven't given her an inch. I have seen this tactic used by bosses trying to unload employees. It was done to my ex, his HR person tried to bait him on why he was a bad employee, she was trying to get out of paying him severance. He didn't fall for it. At one point, she asked him why he thought he was a bad employee. By the way, he is an MD.

 

[Leni]

This makes sense but if she is just f with you, she won't do it. My ex is gov employee, and they spell e...

Yeah, it is disturbing how that can work.

I can see why many positions of power are filled with narcissists and psychopaths ... it takes one to be this horrible to another person, really.

I'm going to talk to my supervisor tomorrow (a step down from my boss) and I'll decide on my plan of action afterwards. It's possible she'll be trying to put out the fires my boss started. I think the general understanding around our organisation - about that specific boss - is that she is a little 'coo coo' to put it mildly. Lots of folks comment on not even understanding what the hell she is going on about half the time ...

We'll see. Thanks for sharing your experience. I can see you have more of an insight in how it runs in governmental bureaucratic organisations.

 

[Leni]

Guys, I'm sorry if I appear hostile, but I'm in a really tough spot here, I feel like I've gone through hell and back at this job and I really don't need to read anymore posts siding with my boss and what amazing constructive criticism she's given me, which I *know* she hasn't.

 

[Friday]

take a step back from the anger and try and re-read people's responses for the encouragement, recommendations and honesty they are bringing to you

This.

@isch. I have no side, no dog in this fight. I literally went up and cut pasted issues you mentioned in your first post.

I think you're caught in a loop.

Do *I* see those as issues? Nope. I don't work with you. Your bosses have, according to you, told you these areas were issues. Then you explain to them why they're not issues. Come here. Ask for help seeing what supposed issues they're talking about. People give specific examples from what you've written, and again, you say they're not issues. Shrug. Rinse lather repeat. Of course you don't see there are any issues you can work on, if you're so defensive you can't see them. It's just a vicious loop, and it puts you in a very helpless position, because you can't work on what you can't see.

My suggestion? Break the loop. Pick one. Just one thing that you can see as maaaaaybe being an issue. Brainstorm how IF it is an issue you can be a total rockstar at sorting it.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm not big enough of a person ... that needs strength and I don't have that amount of strength.

This is indeed a hard thing to deal with.
I'm sorry you don't feel strong enough to go about it this way. Would you feel more confident if you did it in the form of an email? It would show a level of maturity that it seems she believes is not there (the mention of your being nervous). You wouldn't have to say anything to her in the exchange and would be able to craft the message without the additional pressure of feeling attacked.
I'm just trying to think of a way to a happy resolution

I AM a supervisor of MANY people. It took me a long while to realize that I had to temper what I say and how I say it because people are naturally intimidated of my position. I figured if I was personable and talked to people they would see me in a different light. It pained me to learn that I made people anxious. That said, I am also a very empathetic person. The last time I had to reprimand someone you could barely tell it was a reprimand. The person walked out feeling empowered to do a better job. She may be unable to see the effect she has on her workers.

 

[Sideways]

@isch - please don't ever call me "sweetheart".

Ever.

 

[Leni]

This is indeed a hard thing to deal with.
I'm sorry you don't feel strong enough to go about it...

Can you be my boss? :)

 

[Leni]

@isch - please don't ever call me "sweetheart".

Ever.

Ok, I take the sweetheart back.

 

[desiderata310]

Can you be my boss?

I doubt you'd want to work in my industry. but you're more than welcome to apply! The hours are long and the pay is awful but we try to work as a team because at the end of the day none of us are getting rich doing what we do.

Until you find that boss who IS more empathic please, try to remember that this seems to be a case of poor communication running amok.
If you CAN remember that and TRY to see where your supervisor/boss is working from (often a place of pressure and ignorance of what is happening) you might find it easier to move forward.

Another thing you can do is ask for mentorship from another worker. I'm not entirely sure what you see around you and what your relationship is with your coworkers but perhaps there is more than one way to 'skin a cat' as they say.

And umm... I don't wanna get into a fight and it pains me to see others getting upset on the board with one another. I think that 'pet names' might be a bit of a thing for some people. I've fallen prey to doing it (I'm from the southern states and we drip with 'sweet names' sometimes and it comes off wrong) I feel certain that no one meant to have feeling run so high.

 

[barefoot]

I really don't need to read anymore posts siding with my boss

I know not everyone here has piled in with "Yep, she's a nightmare psycho - just ignore her", which is maybe (may be not?!) what you were hoping for. But I don't see anyone here actually siding with your boss. Seems to me that people can see you're having a tough time, that you've had this unpleasant conversation and that you're now upset and sharing about it here. Looks to me that some posters are making some practical suggestions about how - if you want to - you might be able to make some changes or ask for some support in order to try to improve your current work situation. I don't ever like to try to speak on behalf of others but I'm willing to take a punt and say that I'm pretty sure everyone on this thread hopes your work situation improves somehow.

Good luck!

 

[Leni]

I doubt you'd want to work in my industry. but you're more than welcome to apply! The hours are l...

I'd love to know what you do ...

That is partially what my husband said - the boss is probably under lots of pressure and just doesn't know how to deal with it and so she ends up saying what she said and how she said it ...

The thing is she's is doing it all wrong in general, not only with me. I don't think the 10+ caseworkers quit in the past 3 months (just in my unit, btw) only 'because' ... I'm pretty sure it had at least something to do with the boss. Let's just say that I'm not surprised after my own experience.