Need advice badly.
If you meet people who are obviously dealing with self-worth issues, need attention,...
Many people that I come in contact with on a daily basis are also dealing with self-worth issues, and feeling needy at times. I have to seriously check myself to see if I am in chameleon mode and trying to people please them. In hindsight, because of the trauma and extreme abuse, I never developed a core self, core beliefs, self-awareness, self-love, nor any sense of self. And people-pleasing and catering to the whims and interests of others was all I knew to do because of the God-shaped vacuum hole inside of me that I could've driven a high-masted ship through.
Now, after tons of therapy, and now emdr therapy, if I am not feeling a connection with a person over a period of time, I try so much to be honest with myself and protect my self and pull back, especially if they are becoming verbally abusive and toxic.
A therapist told me long ago that low self-esteemed people in their futile attempt to elevate themselves above others try to diminish those around them through either an attitude of superiority or an attitude of neediness, and their then projecting victimization and neediness status onto others around them. And I have done both in my past.
Now, what I know is this - that ignoring my conscience telling me something is amiss with a person is caustic to my well-being. And I do not dwell well in denial, anymore. Lived there numb and shut down for most of my life. Now, here inside of me dwells a consciousness that will help try and guide me (only when I am willing to listen) in/through all of my relationships.
An abusive female friend comes into my field of vision again: I went to mailbox this a.m. after my walk around our fall-colored pretty neighborhood with the fall leaves and colors, etc. and pulled out from mailbox a rather nice and pricey Happy Thanksgiving card from a once upon a time (last year and for the four-five years prior) once beloved female friend. She had seriously demeaned me to my face in a covert manner - on only a handful of occasions (yet lethal doses of hate and cruelty coming from her mouth about me) and back then I nearly succumbed to full and complete victim status, until I realized after questioning her about her past history (family, etc.) that she was NOT being honest about her own private personal past issues (which were affecting her marriage intimacy (IN-TO-ME-SEE) and was hurting all of her relationships (self-admitted) due to her past trauma.
So, I pulled away from her, for I cannot change anyone nor fix anyone and I try and keep focus on self, and am not perfect by any means at this; and I refused and told her so - to allow her/anyone to ever treat me like past abusers had treated me - like dung anymore. I've had enough. (Only caused my mind to question my existence here when I've allowed others to use me as an emotional and at times verbal punching bag)
If I have to change and wear masks to effectively become closer to someone, anyone too high of a price to my psyche (core) to pay. That bank vault is empty. I will again lose my ability to be honest with myself. No more masks, no more lies about who I am in relationship to others, and no more hypocritical pseudo friendships. I want to be as candid and real as possible.
For all of my life I hid behind alcohol (I called it socializing) weed, risky behaviors, sexual promiscuity (acting out), food abuse, and then cutting, overdosing because I just could not find a comfortable and real me. And I change daily in my likes, interests, etc. Who am I, what do I like and not like.
Why am I so uncomfortable being alone with myself. And also isolating and going too far with being alone with self? Questions I am working on and learning about myself in healthier relationships, where I do not lean too heavily on friends to complete me and give me answers to above questions.
I have learned and continue to learn so much about me, by letting go of my masks, and mim-icking others' likes and interests. I have not arrived and yet I continue to try and for first time in my life - self-discover who am I in relationship to those around me.
Taking the low ground to prevent further contention is what I also try to do. It's not about winning, although it never has been with/for me. When I am over-reacting to someone else's behavior, I must look deep inside and try and determine (only try) and this is my journey (not destination, yet) why am I exhibiting and/or experiencing such hurt feelings, or negativity from what someone else has said or is doing around or in front of me. I am grateful for your post. Low ground - I don't like to fight or become confrontational, however, I will assert and articulate my needs more now than previously - none at all.
I was dying inside, and now there is a little teeny, tiny light inside of me, that I hope will become brighter and brighter, as I learn more to not react to others, (not there yet!) and try oh so hard try to keep focus on self when in company of others' superiority (which sometimes comes disguised as inferiority ex: someone on this forum said I was "lecturing" her. Hmmm?
No, I am very nakedly honest and sincere, and we are world's apart in our recovery, and I wish her all of the best! Hope my sharing helps. Only sharing. Still in learning process, and until I die I will be... Jade.
