Anonymous Xmas Gift To Therapist

[Deleted member 35429]

My insurance changed mid year and my therapist took a bit of a pay cut now when he sees me. As well, he started seeing me 2x a week for much of the year. And he also has been responding to email maybe 1x a week. None of these things did he have in mind when he took me on as a client. He has dealt with a lot of intense trauma related transference from me, too - I know I have been a huge challenge. I'm finally feeling a lot better and 'normal' and I want to repay him.

So, I wrote him an anonymous thank you card and put $1000 cash in there. I stamped it and almost dropped in the mail today but I'm hesitating because I'm not sure I've thought through all the potential outcomes. I don't want to change our therapeutic relationship. If he asks me if it's from me, I won't be able to lie with a straight face. I just have to hope he won't ask.

I know there are ethical reasons he can't accept a large monetary gift but he really deserves to be compensated for his time with me. He's gone above and beyond.

Is anyone else giving gifts to their therapist? Is it nuts to give a cash gift anonymously?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wouldn't say nuts but this is transference. Maybe not in the tranditional sense but I would call it that.

I understand wanting to repay them but if they are a good therapist, you being well and better is repayment enough. That is, after all, why therapists do what they do.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I wouldn't say nuts but this is transference. Maybe not in the tranditional sense but I woul...

Can you explain how that is transference? I truly don't understand.
I have to admit the transference with him has been over the top nuts. 11 months of me sitting there trembling and dissociated feeling like he was a sadistic predator. We've done little more than argue about our relationship for months and months. It's been agonizing. But I'm now able to sit with him in session without dissociating and it feels like all the transference is gone and I just genuinely want to compensate him for sticking with me.

 

[Suzetig]

I think a difference in wanting to give a "thank you" e.g. sending flowers or something and a large monetary gift.

If you feel he's not been paid for his work with you, can you have that conversation with him and offer to top up the money he gets via your insurance company? My guess is that he'd say it's been his choice to work with you at a lower rate, increase sessions etc.

I know I've said something along the lines of my T not knowing what she was taking on with me and her reply was that she knew exactly what she was getting in to but her sense was I didn't. I'm guessing this might be the same for you and your T. I also wonder if you've thought about what he's getting out of this in terms of a client whose engaged in their own recovery, challenging and stretching him in his development. My T is open about what she gets, beyond money (mine too is underpaid for the time she spends with me), and that helps me feel like it's a more equal exchange.

It sounds like you're very grateful to your T, rather than give money anonymously how would it be to talk openly about your feelings and your desire to do something in gratitude?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you explain how that is transference?

Well, my experience with transference is different but wanting to give him a grand and not tell him it was you whom gave it feels like transfering too much, I don't know the words for it, too much graditude sounds stupid.

It sounds like you're very grateful to your T, rather than give money anonymously how would it be to talk openly about your feelings and your desire to do something in gratitude?

This I agree with fully. It would be more approprate. My experience with transference is giving too much. Too much attention. Too much information. Too much of most things. So in that way it just feel like transference.

Maybe tell him this is what you wanted to do and ask the therapist if it inapproate and why?

I am having trouble putting words to what I am feeling at the moment, sorry.

 

[Killashandra]

Therapists are there to do a job, and occasionally we find the right person for us. when we find the right therapist amazing changes can occur.
He stuck by you because you have built a relationship based on trust. I don't quite understand the transference thing your speaking of but this is what I get from your post.... your therapist is a good one.. he has stuck around through the arguments to demonstrate that through it all he won't abandon you. and just look at the outcome... you have progressed and improved.☺

To show your gratitude I believe, should be more of a thoughtful gift rather than monetary. if they are a good therapist they enjoy what they do. my gift to my therapist is my improvement and also allowing her to use my case in her studies etc, anonymously of course, and if I find something of interest for example a book that she has or needed, papers or ideas that I have read or tried, i share them with her.. she has put a few of my own ideas in her "toolbox" ☺

After all that though, it is your choice what gift to give him. after all it is the season for giving coming...

All the best ☺

Killa

 

[Friday]

Suggestion: Open a tab with him. AKA you can still give him the check, but have therapy costs, above and beyond what you usually pay, deduct out of it. That way it's all above board, he's getting paid, and worst case scenario & you lose your insurance/ job/ etc. you'll have a bit of a cushion where you can still get therapy. Meanwhile, he gets a big lump sum, that he can put to immediate use. Win/win?

 

[Gs172003]

It's a very nice idea but I'm not sure how somebody might take something like that. If it was me I'd be afraid that somebody is falling for me. But that's just me

 

[watundah]

Kind of agree with @Zoogal..a big bag of money from nowhere could be fear inducing. If you feel you can afford it, renegotiate your fee and pay the difference from the insurance co.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Thanks for all the feedback. Yah, I don't want to freak him out or do something inappropriate. We've discussed the pay to exhaustion. I was actually going to quit when I found out he was underpaid because I thought he would get resentful and I was too vulnerable to deal with that. I told him all this and we discussed payment for several sessions. He can't accept more than what my insurance gives. And he said he wishes he didn't agree to use my insurance but he has a contract with them. He said he is happy to continue with me but I know he's not happy about the financial arrangement and so I feel I owe him. I think I'll just send it and if he figures it out I'll just accept it back and say oh well.

 

[Gs172003]

Thanks for all the feedback. Yah, I don't want to freak him out or do something inappropriate. We've disc...

He should have never told you that. To me that's unprofessional. That's putting guilt where it isn't due IMO. It's not your fault the insurance changed, it's part of the job, and he didn't have to rest it on your shoulders.

But if you feel like you want to do something nice for him then maybe a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant or something would be a nice gesture.

 

[Silver.]

I don't see how that is transference at all (?)

I completely agree with @Zoogal
I feel it's too large of a gift and can make things pretty awkward