Sexual Trauma But Not Sexual Abuse?

[Razedul]

It wouldn't go in and was being forced in against the "closed gates" (muscles pretty much entirely clamped down) for a...

My guess..they were trying to figure out why it wasn't working. They should have stopped. The mom in me is thinking "like ripping off a bandaid" type issue. But..I never taught my kids how to use tampons either. They figured it out. That's one of those things that I feel like you have to do on your own as we are all shaped different

 

[Ugigiz]

I'm going to have to agree with some of the women here relating their stories of how to use tampons in the beginning. No...

I still have times that it hurts

 

[Cifosu]

It was perhaps physical abuse. But If you were in pain, and the person (parent?) was also in pain, to be causing you distress, then I'd just call it seriously misguided parenting.

If the person was gratified by your pain, in some way - and they were choosing to extend it in order to cause you more harm - then, physical abuse.

If they were sexually gratified by it, sexual abuse.

As far as you are concern - if you experienced it as painful, but it was entirely on your request, and you insisted that it continue even when it hurt (because you wanted the thing to go in), then I don't think it's abusive, necessarily - but it's (again) bad parenting.

OP, do you have the opportunity to speak with the person about it? Do you want to?

 

[Dedi]

I'd like to quote The Courage to Heal page 85.
"I remember the first time I told my therapist how my mother would give me enemas. She would lay me down on the bathroom mat and talk really sweet to me. She was usually abrupt, like we kids were in her way and she wished she didn't have to bother with us, but at enema time she'd turn all her attention on me, stroking me, telling me what a good girl I was. She'd rub my legs and thighs and my buttocks, saying she just wanted to relax me. When I told my therapist about this, she asked me how often it happened. I told her every day as soon as I got home from school. I'll never forget the look on her face. She didn't have to say a word."

Okay so this is what keeps coming back to me. What makes this scenario more abusive than the one described in this thread? There could be a few answers. Obviously, frequency. "Every day" and "multiple times" are two very different things. Would it be fair to say that every scenario which falls into this sort of gray area would have to be judged case by case? Or does circumstance even matter? This post is kind of f*cking my shit up. What is life????

 

[Nimoc]

Hmmm. This post reminds me that there is no normal! It's hard to say if this is abusive, or even if the enemy scenario is abusive, if the parent sovereign thought and believed they were helping.
Neither of these scenarios happened to me but there was other stuff that I'm pretty sure is not the norm.
Kinda makes me wish we lived in open villages still and everyone learned from everyone else instead of the "behind closed doors" life we have.
I have a different but also similar trauma from then in that my brother, who was also my best friend, pumped me out to his friends when I was adolescent 10 - 13. I just had to take my pants off and let them look at me but it started to get out of hand and scary for me - won't go into detail.
My brother was only a year older than me and we loved each other. I know he never meant to hurt me, but it did hurt me. So I just call that trauma, not abuse.
We have never talked about it and I don't think we ever will..

 

[JoJo11]

The adult individual wasn't in pain, only me. I don't remember giving ongoing consent, nor do I remember saying "no". I just remember crying out in pain and sobbing uncontrollably.

This is why I asked if sexual trauma can be separated from sexual abuse:

I haven't been able to get a GYN exam all of my adult life mainly due to this. I can't even imagine giving "access" to a significant other, nor have I ever been able to have one. I have a history of reexperiencing the pain as a body memory of sorts.

I sincerely believe the act was made in good faith, although seriously misguided. I don't understand why they didn't have the mental notion to stop, that I may be too young physically and emotionally for such a device. Tampons were designed for adults, not children.

 

[Wubi]

Yes, seriously misguided. But in my way of thinking anyway, more trauma than abuse if the person inflicting the trauma had no idea and thought they were helping.
Abuse, in my world snyway, is intended, malicious and gratifying for the abuser at the expense of the abused. I've experienced both.
I know I have unintentionally hurt others too - on latter reflection.
Intentional abuse is a different thing, it's a loveless shameful and selfish act of one human being upon another.
Mistakes of others can still be traumatising, but For me snyway the difference lies in the intentional or not.
Intentional is hard to even get ur head around let alone forgive.

 

[Asuwed]

I just remember crying out in pain and sobbing uncontrollably.

This is what makes it abusive in my book. Even when f someone thought they were doing a good thing, if a young child is sobbing uncontrollably, and in obvious pain, you stop whatever it is you're doing.

 

[JoJo11]

OP, do you have the opportunity to speak with the person about it? Do you want to?

I have no intention of bringing this up with them. This is about me and me only.

 

[Aceb]

I'm not sure if intention is the right guideline to defining sexual abuse. There are many incidents where adults seriously, pathologically believe the child wants the sexual encounter. In their minds, they don't have bad intentions either.

But that's apples and oranges. I remember as a child I had recurring years infections and my mother dragged me kicking and screaming to the doctors where everyone who did and didn't want to took a look at my nether regions. I remember to this day how humiliated and scared I was by this - I still sometimes feel uncomfortable "being looked at" because of it. However, I would not classify this as sexual abuse. Even though I protested and event though it involved my genitals. If anything it was traumatic, but also something I can think back on, understand, and not make a huge deal about.

 

[Apenu]

Why didn't you just wear a pad?!?!

Not everyone can physically handle a tampon.

Stupid parent/bad parenting.

 

[JoJo11]

I'm not sure if intention is the right guideline to defining sexual abuse. There are many incidents where adults seriousl...

I do find a difference in our scenarios. You mentioned kicking and screaming because you didn't want to go to the doctors. I mentioned crying out in pain and sobbing because of having pain inflicted on me for a long duration.

While yours is clearly a case of not consenting, and mine is a case where there had been consent given, I cannot imagine why the comparison still should stand in terms of "getting over it". I can't comprehend why an adult thought inflicting that kind of pain on me for longer than a couple of minutes would be okay- especially when considering that tampon usage is not mandatory for health, hygiene, or living.

You being treated for an infection is absolutely necessary for health, hygiene, and possibly even being alive.