Feeling Like Most People Are Stupid And Thoughtless, And My Theory About How This Relates To Ptsd.

[F_uckYourselves]

My mom and one of my close friends both have PTSD, too, and we all share similar frustrations with people in general. We all take the view that most people aren't terribly bright, and we're consistently aggravated by how inconsiderate of others' feelings they seem to be.

All three of us are people who will go above and beyond to excel at any task we're assigned, as well as to help people we care about if they're in a tight spot. All of us have had past experiences involving our support of others going unreciprocated.

Recently I had the realization that these characteristics might just be more traits of PTSD. It occurred to me that the majority of people don't share our perfectionism because they've never had to. They didn't learn early that their ability to outperform others is what made them lovable. Likewise, they aren't as attuned to others' feelings because they never had to be able to anticipate somebody else's emotional state or do constant emotional damage control just to survive. We have. It was a really dramatic paradigm shift for me to consider that most people aren't merely dumb and thoughtless, but unequipped with certain survival mechanisms we've all carried with us for life.

Can anybody else relate? Have any thoughts to share?

 

[Justmehere]

Equating loveable with an ability to outperform others is something that can very much result from trauma.

That doesn't mean it's an accurate perspective on what makes you or all people loveable to others, or not.

Example: I have a friend who lived in an abusive family that taught her being a healthy weight and looking pretty made her loveable. I have another friend who learned from their abusive family that being a high achiever made them loveable. The first ended up with an ED that nearly killed her, twice. The second ended up with health problems from over-work.

Neither were actually well loved by their families. Or very happy. Both struggled to love other people. They tended to critique others as they had been critiqued.

In your experience, you learned that performance made you loveable. You have become a perfectionist in order to survive. Others didn't need to do that. They gained other skills and experiences. Neither is better than the other. They just are.

For some, they became skilled at being able to live with things that are not perfect and be present with people in pain without fixing. For some, they became good at relationships, enjoying life. For others, they have learned to stay within their boundaries and limits, which means sometimes saying no when someone is in need. Etc.

In your experience you are very familiar with pain. I'm guessing it's very hard to see someone in pain and not in to help because you know too well what it is like to not be helped. You don't want anyone else to go through that and that's good. Within limits. Many trauma survivors are that way, and some struggle with vary degrees of caretaking, and/or co-dependency, and/or difficulty setting boundaries and limits... to keep them from burning out and becoming resentful much like you have become.

The world is filled with many crap human beings. Trauma survivors know this reality really well. We have run into more than our fair share of them.

Outside of abusive people, I think we have a lot to learn from each other. Yes, even the people that seem stupid.

There is also usually a reason why someone is the way they are, and sometimes imagining what the reasons could be that are something different than "stupid and thoughtless" can help lower the distress of having to deal with them.

An example: When someone cut me off driving once, I could have interpreted their behavior as stupid and thoughtless and unkind. Which would have left me feeling angry and distressed. Instead, I hypothesized that perhaps a family member of theirs was dying at the hospital and they were in a hurry to get there to say goodbye. When I thought about that possibly being the reason,

Most people have loveable qualities, just as they are. No need to perform to earn it. I'm so sorry that surviving trauma taught you that you did have to earn it through achievement and that so many others have let you down. :hug:

 

[aut555]

Sometimes maintain a certain weight due to how they grew up, l have
a huge amount of ballet experience and l truly like to be at a certain weight which may seem to you as a eating disorder, but to me it's normal.

 

[Keming]

There may be other things at play, too. Some forms of intelligence are (arguably) heritable - or learned by shared nurture, which is almost the same thing. Skills to interpret body language or nuanced expression might be something both valued and unconsciously taught in your household. Core beliefs, such as the value of helping others, can be cherished and passed down despite trauma. Inversely, an individual's lack of positive or prosocial behaviours may simply be a choice; aka, they're lazy, or don't want to be the 'only person being nice.'

Which means your desire to outperform, and be compassionate, can just be you, being awesome. You don't have to try to explain it away. You don't have to join, or even relate to their community of mediocrity if you prefer not to. You really, honestly might be better than other people, regardless of trauma.

 

[Wyska]

Ah, yes! I have this also, and I never really thought about it being related to PTSD. Honestly I thought it was just a personality trait. Often I can't tell who is more intelligent than others, everyone seems to be stupid or isn't sure of what they are talking about because I've MADE SURE I knew that I was. It seems to me that sometimes people just know things because they are intelligent and wouldn't say something they weren't well informed about already. I think it might be a cognitive distortion.

 

[anonymous]

Interesting poin. I find I always like to know the truth about everything and wondered if that's an element too? I don't like ignorance and people who deny truth even when it's staring right at them.

 

[ladee]

Maybe I am seeing this thru my eyes as not being judgemental.
I perceive ignorance, not as character defect, but others may simply not know they have other choices.
And I can't think of one person that I would call stupid. They may unconcious to things or people around them as protection.
I may appear stupid by your standards if I am having a super bad day and having problems concentrating.
What you describe as compassion show by you seems to me to be very self serving.
True compassion and empathy do not have the distinctions you descibed.
I found your post very offensive. Not because you feel the way you do but because many people like you have judged me before they bothered to get to know me. So I have had missed opportunities to prove myself in a world that doesn't understand PTSD and the numerous symptoms.
Glad you posted. You are the type person I avoid . so possibly I am not as stupid as you might perceive me.

 

[aut555]

I don't know what to say, l don't think anybody is wrong, we all have bits of the truth, giving us all different snapshots of daily human behavior. Does the word tolerance enter into this thread? Some of us have tolerance for those around us despite different backgrounds. Ptsd can effect and cloud how we wish to interpret those people behaving in a way we may condone. Ptsd has actually help me become more tolerant of people who l may have previously judged.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk, I have always thought when I do something it's because I want or choose to, not because of expecting reciprocation or some 'result' (what's the word? :confused: ) per se, and if others I've trusted don't come through for me that it's a reflection on myself not them. (ie I am not worth the care).

I don't think anyone's stupid. It all depends on their thoughts, priorities, choices, desires, etc., what they choose. Of course there can be ignorance or prejudice.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

Maybe I am seeing this thru my eyes as not being judgemental.
I perceive ignorance, not as character def...

Thanks for the feedback, @ladee. Likewise, you sound like exactly the kind of person I prefer to avoid: hypersensitive, touchy, and prone to making others' experiences all about you. It's puzzling that you chose to interpret a post about my struggles as an indictment of you personally, but if that serves some victim narrative you hold dear, I suppose that's your prerogative.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

In your experience you are very familiar with pain. I'm guessing it's very hard to see someone in pain and not in to help because you know too well what it is like to not be helped. You don't want anyone else to go through that and that's good. Within limits. Many trauma survivors are that way, and some struggle with vary degrees of caretaking, and/or co-dependency, and/or difficulty setting boundaries and limits... to keep them from burning out and becoming resentful much like you have become.

This was very insightful, @Justmehere. Thank you. I appreciate the sense of understanding I got out of your reply.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback, @ladee. Likewise, you sound like exactly the kind of person I p...

I've gotten to know ladee over private messages and she's nothing like you describe. Not a bit. I've found her to be quite the opposite in fact.

Just thought I'd throw my 2¢ in there.