Other Ddnos

[Sandstone]

After the SCID-D assessment, I have a diagnosis of DDNOS, with severe depersonalisation, severe derealisation, severe amnesia, moderate identity confusion and moderate/severe identity alteration.

I've had the report saying this for a fortnight, but am only just able to post about it publicly here. I'm lost and alone. I don't know what to do with this. My sleep is completely haywire, and when I do sleep I'm plagued with dreams full of meaning, like tonight's, about a field where an investigative dig was needed but could only be carried out with the agreement of the whole family owning it.

I need someone to talk to about all this, but there is no-one. I haven't even shown the report to OH, because I need to be able to tell him what response I need first to prevent his instinctive silence or minimisation.

There must be something I am meant to do with this knowledge, some next step I am meant to take, but I don't know what, or how to do it alone.

 

[Abstract]

Oh Sandstone.
That sounds really hard. Its great you have your answers even though it brings up so much. Maybe this is really normal for what you are having to process? Sure that doesn;t help. Its inevitable you are going to be conflicted as that comes with the territory, I understand the whole going very quiet when things feel too big to approach, Youve taken a tiny step here now though,Maybe you could give yourself license to have a bit of time before taking the next step? Youve accomplished an enormous amount already by getting this far and deserve credit for that, Sometimes answers make themselves known as you go along. One small step at a time usually does it, This is the first one,

 

[Friday]

It's exactly what you needed in order to get into the treatment facility you wanted to attend, isn't it? Your local team being pure shite, and constantly downplaying and dropping the ball and saying you weren't so bad as to need any treatment... Versus this one... Which says Severe, Severe, Severe, Severe in exactly the areas that the treatment facility you want to go to specializes in, if I'm remembering correctly?

If I am remembering correctly, I'm so thrilled for you! :D That finally an evaluation was done by an objective 3rd party that can get you into the really excellent program that your shit-for-brains-local-team has kept you from for over a year ( nearly 2? ) with their unbridled incompetence and utter failing in doing their jobs. Really, really happy for you if this means you can go get treatment now!!! :happy:

 

[Sandstone]

Sadly, it is that local team who have received this report. The specialist never got any notification of where to send it, so has submitted it to them. That means nothing will happen till I am able to start pushing them, and I can't mange to talk about it now. I need to deal with the meaning before I can push for the consequences.

" Mrs. x seemed to alternate continually between explaining her distress and dismissing or minimising this, conveying a sense of contradiction and inner conflict....When asked about her experience of the assessment, she said one part is calling her a ‘fraud and liar’ whilst another said ‘you might be underplaying’."

My mind has done a double loop that says both that it doesn't feel severe, so can't exist, and that the moderate ratings are less than the severe ones so can be disregarded. The local team are the only people I could ask for help in coming to terms with this, but a) they have said they don't know what to do and need guidance; b) I'm afraid that they will pick up on any minimising as fact and c) they tend to want me to tell them what I need or want.
I don't know what people usually do with this knowledge when it is slapped in front of them in a pulsating mass. I don't know what I should do with it. There is no relief of confirmation; I am as confused and conflicted as ever.

It seems as though the outcome will be the same as most distressing things in life - after a while I will learn to ignore it.

 

[Friday]

@Sandstone... Can you work backwards? Call the facility you want to go to & ask them what steps need to be taken now that you have this report, so you can send your local morons an itemized list directly from that facility? Of course, one better would be if the facility themselves would request those things from the BrainDonors (as they're ranked what? 3rd or 4th to last in the entire nation), and advocate on your behalf... But one could also understand if they don't have the resources to do that, they should still know their own requirements enough to give you an action plan to follow.

 

[Sandstone]

and I can't mange to talk about it now. I need to deal with the meaning before I can push for the consequences.

I know I have to do all the practical stuff. First, I have to be able to speak about it. I need a way to accept this as meaning me. I need a way to incorporate it into my concept of myself. At the moment it seems so destructive - my mind, the only bit of me that was my own, is no longer who I thought it was.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

You are who you are, and nothing has changed that. The SCID-Dwhile known to be reliable, is also administered by humans and their judgement and opinions are part of the results, so it would be wise to think of the results with a grain of salt. (Or a shaker or salt).

One of the most devastating therapy moments for me was being told I was DDNOS. It felt confusing and strange and ultimately a way of being old that I fit nowhere, that I wasn't this and wasn't that. Do tell you this not to say that is how you should feel, but to normalize what you DO feel.

I'm sure you've read this article, but just in case you haven't, I'm going to leave it right here:

Link Removed

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I well remember when I was first diagnosed with a "severe dissociative disorder" (later changed to DID). I just sat there and didn't know where to go with it.

It seems 'sitting' with the new diagnosis is part of the process. Just take things as they come, one step at a time.

Can you contact the program you are interested in attending, start the intake process, get a name/address for mailing purposes, and then have the specialist mail or email the report directly to them?

One last thought: Actually, I find it heartening that your local team says they don't know where to go and need some direction. Relatively speaking, few therapists (at least, here in the states) have the skill-set necessary for treating the more severe dissociative disorders. I find the fact that your local team acknowledged this difficulty quite encouraging. I hope I can take their acknowledgement to mean that they're trying to help you find the right professional.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!
I think its pretty normal when you have this level of internal conflict to find yourself frozen and in conflict about what this means for you. Any big diagnoses does that anyway as it tends to confront various parts of us. If you can then try to remember how impossible it felt to deal with the NHS at all and yet here you are and you have managed to get a diagnoses. You are struggling with the reality of that right now but it shows you have the ability to get things done even when you feel it is impossible.

I don't know if this will be unhelpful or not but when my internal conflict was raging then the thing that worked the best was not to expect that I could find some one mindedness about anything. You are wanting to find an acceptance of this and your perception of you. Unless you are really lucky I imagine that will be a process and at the moment its fine to just speak about the conflict and your different feelings. Things written on paper do tend to have the ability to open doors more easily so this diagnoses will help you.

I agree with Buckeroo and think maybe just allowing yourself to sit with it and it be whatever it is for now is just fine. I have also find it helpful to remind myself that although my understanding of the situation has changed I in fact am the same person I was before the diagnoses. I think identity related info when one has identity related issues is always going to be really confusing. The rug is pulled from under us a bit.And a diagnoses related to something that has been so big for you is always going to be big in terms of acceptance.

 

[Sandstone]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I will want to ask questions of some of you when I have thought a bit more.
It is so important to me to know that there is someone hearing. I'm sure that sense of isolation is a major part of the problem. I want to ask those of you with similar diagnoses what your therapists said and did at the time, and how you began to work with it. Having absolutely no-one to stand beside me or lead me as I approach it all is hard.

However, I'm aware that if patterns repeat then it may indicate something that comes from me. Perhaps I am creating this isolation?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Having absolutely no-one to stand beside me or lead me as I approach it all is hard.

Do you mean your local team isn't working with you at all, that you are in a holding pattern awaiting a therapist with the right skill set?

If your locals don't have the right skill set, they really can't do much more than active listening, supportive therapy. The 'real' therapy, the processing, will start when you are assigned a new therapist with the right skill set.

It's ok to just sit with what you know now. No need to push.

Perhaps I am creating this isolation

Can you say more about the isolation?

 

[Abstract]

Sadly I don't think its that unusual to have to lead ones own journey when it comes to this stuff - in this country. It shouldnt be the case of course. There should be knowledgeable experts planning treatment and helping people along. I think feelings of aloness are therefore normal. Do you think you are also reminded of past feelings of isolation? That some of it isnt about the present. I also think there is naturally going to be less people who understand ddnos so less support in that respect. And then from a general emtional perspective I'm sure you are wise to look at patterns and if thats part of it.

I think you mentioned possible Anxious avoidant attachment and that usually means we are doing a fair amount of pushing away or not asking for support. I know I have had to acknowledge that for me. I know for me I struggle to ask and struggle to speak and then its pretty hard for people to guess what I need. I often don't know what I need either so that makes it hard to ask. Maybe sectioning out what your isolation consists of like Buckeroo said is a good start.