UnKnown-Self
Diamond Member
I haven't been around much. I sometimes think I am letting my PTSD define me and outside of the forum it's a taboo topic.
I am not doing so hot. I'm tired of watching myself spiral out of control and I am spiraling. I realized I can't trust myself to pick healthy people to be friends with. Actually I think healthy people see I am damaged and immediately create boundaries that are exclude friendship. Those I click with are past abusers in different skins. The last I realized is a drug addict and she said that I was stealing her pills. Her bike is still at my apartment and there is the matter of my missing keys. So I have to get the locks changed and return the bike and anything else she gave me. But my apartment is a mess so I have to clean first.
I know the bike is an excuse for her to create some kind of drama down the line. I have to leave it in her driveway and after leaving, text her that it is there. No talking, nothing but run Alice run.
No defending myself, those who believe her choose her lies when the truth is there for all to see. I saw it and choose to close my eyes. Now I am isolating again. I don't know how to be a regular person. I know a person should plan meals and have a scheduled life. Instead I daydream scenarios and get lost in my head. I daydream instead of living with a schedule. Is it a matter of just do it, fake it till you make it? I don't know and so I'm back because PTSD and my past are defining me and I don't know what to do.
I am not doing so hot. I'm tired of watching myself spiral out of control and I am spiraling. I realized I can't trust myself to pick healthy people to be friends with. Actually I think healthy people see I am damaged and immediately create boundaries that are exclude friendship. Those I click with are past abusers in different skins. The last I realized is a drug addict and she said that I was stealing her pills. Her bike is still at my apartment and there is the matter of my missing keys. So I have to get the locks changed and return the bike and anything else she gave me. But my apartment is a mess so I have to clean first.
I know the bike is an excuse for her to create some kind of drama down the line. I have to leave it in her driveway and after leaving, text her that it is there. No talking, nothing but run Alice run.
No defending myself, those who believe her choose her lies when the truth is there for all to see. I saw it and choose to close my eyes. Now I am isolating again. I don't know how to be a regular person. I know a person should plan meals and have a scheduled life. Instead I daydream scenarios and get lost in my head. I daydream instead of living with a schedule. Is it a matter of just do it, fake it till you make it? I don't know and so I'm back because PTSD and my past are defining me and I don't know what to do.
