Relationship Cease Fire (supporter Rant)

[dulcia]

Do you think it's just the PTSD or do you think he has some other underlying mental disorder?

I can't really say, plus he joined very young. I think of it more this way: combat + death of a loved one + burned by an ex = PTSD with a whole lot of extra. Or, as @Sweetpea76 mentioned, his stress cup is overflowing.

Omg @Sighs I just looked up amygdala hijacks and this is so helpful to know!

I had never heard of that term either lol. Look forward to looking into it!

UPDATE: I walked away and was done. I had completely cut contact which is something I have never fully done. He is responding with apologies and promises. I know it's common in some PTSD relationships to have gone through a few break ups, but that is not something we have done before, nor is it something I have done or would have ever condoned in my non-PTSD relationships. Maybe it is a good idea in this case? Right now, at this moment in time, I am still okay with being done. I don't think that the good outweighs the bad and the effect that the bad will have (or already is having) on me, my perception of myself, my perception of others, and my mental health. But maybe this is the shift he needs to stop the bad behaviors? Probably not. He said he wants to earn my trust back, but I'm not sure if that is something that can be done, although I do recognize that there is the smallest of possibilities. Hmm....

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I can't really say, plus he joined very young. I think of it more this way: combat + death of a love...

I think that if you really feel that you are done, then you should go with that feeling. I get the pissed off "I can't stand him, I'm done" kind of thinking and then I mellow out and I'm better about things. As you probably have all noticed. LOL.

My last relationship prior to this one was with a MAJOR alcoholic. After 9 months of fighting about secret drinking, money and everything else, I kind of woke up one day and was done. Initially I thought maybe things can get better because he got himself incarcerated. So the drinking stopped, but then I started not only going to co-dependent therapy but also substance abuse group in an effort to understand the illness. And here's one thing I learned: addicts NEVER change. They just find something else to become addicted to. It can be a different substance. A person. A group like AA. Church. A hobby. But it has to be SOMETHING.

Thankfully there are groups like AA and NA to keep the addict at bay. But one thing I've learned is that you cannot change the true nature of the disease. It's a very powerful illness.

Having said all this, I think that if you are done, good for you for recognizing this. Being in a relationship with someone who's ill can make you ill as well. And from what I understand, it looks like your Vet is one hell of a project. And if you need a break up buddy, I'm just a forum comment away. :)

 

[dulcia]

I think that if you really feel that you are done, then you should go with that feeling....

Thank you :)

I have found myself checking my email frequently to see if he's sent me anything and almost become agitated when I see that he hasn't. When before, I was okay with even seeing an email and finishing what I was doing before I even read it, let alone if I replied to it or not. Not a good sign.

I dated someone for almost 5 years that went from recreational drug user, to prescription addict, to full blown track mark addict. At least with that, I could see the line. With this relationship, I've had trouble drawing it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I think I've found there's definitely a distinction between "she's unbelievable, I am so done" which tends to wear off the next day and "I'm done" which still stays firm once I've cooled down, in all manner of relationships. I think you can just tell when it's reflective of your genuine feelings rather than an exacerbated cry for the nonsense to end.

Ultimately, the promises need to be converted to action, if you're getting promises of improvement, you need to see it too.

 

[Sighs]

@Newtoptsd - I didn't mean to imply that you were somehow incorrect. Each of us can only say what we experience with our vets.

I was asking because

My sufferer has not ever demonstrated the explosive anger

combined with this

maybe that he has over the years learnt to control it

made me think maybe you've been with this man for years and years and he has somehow figured out a way to prevent these outbursts.

Sadly I have to agree with @Sweetpea76 - you just haven't been around him long enough to see them yet. We were about 8 months into our relationship the first time my vet lost it in my hearing.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Thank you :)

I have found myself checking my email frequently to see if he's sent me anything and a...

Sounds like you're codependent too, Sister. Lol.

The email thing is you hoping for an epiphany. Just like when your ex got sober and you thought "wow, he really got it this time" and then next thing you know, he's high again. You're hoping that your Vet will get clean from his PTSD. From what I'm reading on here regarding Vets in general and what you've said about yours, not gonna happen. He needs to put in work just like an addict needs meetings.

There's an element of denial in this illness too. My Vet told me tonight that he's "not as nutty as I think he is". Yeah, cuz it's normal to look out the window in your sleep, not be able to tell someone you love them, not see your immediate family members and hoard things. Not to mention the inability to sleep for days, obsessive thoughts and always have a project going. There's nothing wrong with him at all. Lol.

Anytime we break up, we hope for contact out of habit and in these cases, worry. Breaking up is like a death when it's a true break up. We wish we could talk to them one more time and we grieve over the loss. Some of us lose weight, some of us gain it. Some of us immediately go on dates. Others won't date for months or years. But the commonality is that it's a loss and the true nature of it is IT'S CALLED A BREAK UP BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN. Which, btw, is the name of an awesome book that will help you through this time.

Read the book, try and have as little contact as you can with the Vet and revisit your feelings in a few weeks. I know you felt a sigh of relief when you shit canned the addict. You will feel the same way with this guy very shortly. I can almost guarantee it.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

@Newtoptsd - I didn't mean to imply that you were somehow incorrect. Each of us can o...

Took mine almost 5 months. And that was after whatever trigger he wouldn't tell me about. I still don't know what it was. Some blow quicker than others I'm assuming.

 

[Sighs]

Lol - the thing is a lot of those behaviours that seem really nutty in the civilian world are the exact same behaviours that kept these guys alive on the battlefield. So for them they are normal. Because in a war zone that is how everyone behaves.

And once you've lived in a warzone for years on end? You don't ever really come home.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Lol - the thing is a lot of those behaviours that seem really nutty in the civilian world are the exact s...

Yes, I agree. That is true. I can't imagine what they've seen. And done. I think all of us gals on here are intelligent enough to get that. I also think there's no sense arguing with him about if what he does is normal. I just said "ok" and was done with it. One thing I've noticed is the denial and the justifications. I'm assuming you gotta do a lot of justification in your head after you have to kill someone in battle so that's what they're used to.

Little things get my Vet to calm down. Like he redid his bathroom (just call him the master of projects...lol) so I bought him some wash cloths to match his new decor and got him a toothbrush holder. He was thrilled. Ten dollars well spent. :)

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Newtoptsd - I didn't mean to imply that you were somehow incorrect. Each of us can o...

I know I am waiting for it, however I do know he spent a good two year in anger management when he came out the army so I am presuming that he might have a better handle on it that most. We shall see :)

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I know I am waiting for it, however I do know he spent a good two year in anger management when he ca...

I hope he does. But I think that shall he lose his shit, you'll handle it just fine. :)

 

[Newtoptsd]

I hope he does. But I think that shall he lose his shit, you'll handle it just fine. :)[/Q...

In handling it I don't respond to anger one bit so he can try all he wants but I won't be responding!

The one time he did get angry and I say mildly because it was really timid ha I didn't really reciprocate just said I would speak to him another day and ended the conversation on the phone. I'm the least argumentative person and tend to try and curb anger with some humour which doesn't always work! My mum is very hot headed and I always bring her around by throwing in humour and it works.