Spiritual Abuse

[mbrady]

Any other ppl with PTSD dealing with a spouse that is spiritually abusive? What I mean is someone who uses religion as a means with which to cut you down and hurt the very core of who you are.

 

[mbrady]

This behavior is reinforced by overly zealous friends of hers. We will be going along, peacefully talking about things (sometimes) and after a call to her best friend she changes. Treats me with contempt as if I'm a huge sinner and her sh** don't stink. I feel she does this to others as well. Looking down on all is heathens full her spiritual ivory tower where evil cannot touch her.

 

[Eagle3]

My mother and her best friend did this a lot. My mom still does, but I've countered that so much she doesn't try it much anymore. I grew up in a Christian cult, so religion tends to be a trigger for me. I don't tolerate that behavior at all anymore, and have been known to be very rude and curt with people for trying to go there with me. Even my therapist is working hard to change the religious brainwashing I still have lurking in the deepest recesses of my being. It's tough work so I don't let anyone put that crap back on me. Sorry you are going through this, but that kind of behavior requires VERY strict boundaries, and be prepared to lose friends because of it.

 

[mbrady]

It isn't religion per se for me, it's the abuse of it at other people's expense. I mean she really believes that she is "speaking life" into me and that it's her duty to. Even though it's cutting me to pieces. And I've tried to tell her how it makes me feel and even how others have told me she makes them feel, but it only emboldens her. Which only reinforces my feelings of inadequacy b/c if she loved me she wouldn't be doing this.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have experienced spiritual abuse, but not in the manner you are describing.
I do know exactly what you are talking about. I grew up in church and was involved in church until I was around 25. I have seen pastors and other members of the church counsel spouse to do exactly what you wife is doing. The believe so strongly that they are doing the right and moral thing that nothing will change it unless they have a change of spiritual belief which is unlikely.

Your resistance is proof to them that they are in the right, because that is a sign that the devil is fighting them for your soul. It is not logical and no amount of arguing reason is going to help.

 

[ladee]

The sentence that jumped out at me was 'If she loved me she wouldn't do this'

From what I have read of your situation, love has gone by the wayside some time ago.

Possibly if you focus more on why you allow it, instead of the things she says and does, you will come up with answers that will help you to not continue to volunteer to be her victim.

As hard ,really hard, to accept we can change no one but our self, it will remain the same.

You are still reaching out! Keep up the great work of seeking answers.

 

[mbrady]

Thanks for your replies. I admit there is an unhealthy codependency here. She's all I've ever known. The fear of being alone and having regrets outweighs any serious desire to separate. The energy it takes to talk to someone like this and present your feelings is insurmountable. If it had gone on for years maybe it'd be different but it's been about 3 months that she is just militant about this.
As far as the love goes I still love her. There's an ideal she loves about me, but she doesn't accept me for who I am. Her love is very conditional.

 

[ladee]

So you have wisely owned what you need to work on. That takes courage to see what we have to do to make change happen.
Hopefully you will work on shifting your focus on you and off of her.
She is not hearing you. That doesn't mean you work harder for her to hear you.

It means working on your own issues and that is going to take time and energy. You have an oppurtunity to start a good foundation for yourself.
If the marriage doesn't woken then you will have something Solid to stand on to begin a different journey.
You can do the work now or later. Either way maybe you would feel better about yourself if its about you and not her.
Wishing you courage and strength to take care of you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It seems because she is so religious and preaches at you which is shaming, she is probably oblivious to the fact that she is hurting her, not defending her at all. I have issues with religon and the cult followers. She is having what I learned is Spiritual Abuse. This means she does not see or hear the real you I think.

She is so locked in step with others that she may believe that she is right and you are wrong and as sick as this is going to sound she sounds like she is trying to convert you. It is a sickness of the soul. Until she wakes up from the spell she is under, she will continue I think to do buisiness as usual.

I understand that you love her. I am sad that you are dealing with this problem. But you have to believe that she does not see, nor hear you and it is impossible for her to understand what you are saying to her.

I think beginning to set boundaries of what you will accept or not is your job now. I know easier said than done but you need to start somewhere to keep your sanity.

 

[J'qel]

My mother has tried, but when I was in a self examination state when I was younger, I took it upon myself to read the bible-cover to cover. I have my own faith, but I can speak within her beliefs easily now. Shame is not part of her faith, as much as she wants it to be. I have enough quotes and points lodged in my brain now to point out that Christianity (her faith) isn't about shame or guilt, but about love and forgiveness, tolerance, respect and compassion.

She doesn't try it with me much any more. :P

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so very happy to hear this.

 

[Marie Miguel]

Any other ppl with PTSD dealing with a spouse that is spiritually abusive? What I mean is someone who us...

That is totally insane..Get out of that place and seek for legal counsel for that matter.

A true Christian does not hurt the feeling of others. In fact helped to rise up from drowning troubles in her life. The one who gives courage and spiritual advise. Someone who pray for you in any other situation not hurting you by word using the word of God.