This is an overview of what happened in my 7 month relationship with a CPTSD sufferer. I have written it to try to get some clarity on what happened. To try to logically explain something that seems so illogical. If it helps anyone else, that is a big bonus. Whether it is to clarify your situation, whether you recognise parallels or whether you find comfort in that you are not alone in your struggle. I'm sorry that I cannot offer a more positive outcome as we split up this week.
Please note, these are my experiences only, as a supporter. They are not intended to blame or deride. They are just an overview of what happened. They may not be the experiences of other supporters or sufferers. If that is the case, please be assured there is absolutely no offense intended.
I just wish to iterate that my ex is not a bad person. She is a good person, struggling with a horrible condition. A good person who has had awful things happen in her life. I tried to focus on the good person and still have the image of that good person in my head. I feel sad that I couldn't do more to help, however in the end I learned so much more about the human condition. I learned so much more about myself too.
I will stay on these boards to hopefully offer any insights to fellow supporters and sufferers. Its my way of giving back something positive for all the help and support I have received from the lovely people on here (supporters and sufferers alike). Thank-you so much. xx
Honeymoon period.
There was an amazing honeymoon period. Clarity, fun, spontaneity, trust, love. Three months of perfection. We both said we had found our soulmate. She told me at the very beginning she had CPTSD, from abuse as a child and abuse in a previous relationship. She said her last partner left her because she said she could not handle the CPTSD. I was naive in thinking her last partner could not have been very supportive and when people have issues, support will resolve it. Then out of the blue.........I woke up to find she wasn't there. It was 4am. I went to see where she was. She was asleep on the couch under a blanket. There were two empty bottles of wine at the side of her. I gently asked if she was ok and if she wanted to come to bed. I was so unprepared for what happened next.
Verbal Abuse
A tirade of verbal abuse came back at me. All my deepest wounds and hurts that I had entrusted her with came back at me like weapons. They were sharpened and with an intent to hurt and hurt badly.
Shut down
As soon as morning came, I asked to talk about what happened. She was not listening. Would not talk, directed more vicious words towards me. She got in her car and drove home (160 miles). I'm sure she was over the limit. She did not contact me except for some barbed comments by text.
Research
I was so shocked by what happened. Who was this person in my home? Where did the kind, loving woman go who was there just the day before? While I was shut out, in a desperate attempt to find out what had happened I did some research online. That is when I found this wonderful supportive site. I received some excellent replies to posts, offering insight into what was happening. People giving their time freely. It wasn't always easy to hear was was being said to me, but there was always honesty and a compassion from both supporters and sufferers alike. An eye opener for me was when someone suggested she was abusive. That was hard to hear. Did they know the sweet beautiful person I knew. It was difficult to hear because it was true. I spent more time researching this illness, books, articles and this forum. I gained invaluable insight into what this illness was.
Distancing
There was a week of distancing then some tentative contact. We met up, we talked. She was very rational and very open about what had happened. Ie, her Mum used to force her to go to bed when she was perceived to be in the way. Being asked to go to bed was a huge trigger.
Commitment
I committed to find out all about C/PTSD. So that I was informed, so I could help, so I could try to understand what was happening. So I could be supportive. I told this to her close friend, she derided me. My ex also derided me for it. She said I could never understand it as much as her friends. I continued to read about it and come to this forum but never spoke about it to her any more. The big thing I missed at the time is that my ex did no research on it. She showed no commitment to learning about it and resolving it while I was with her.
The cycle repeated
Things went back to almost a honeymoon period again. Then came another trigger, verbal abuse, shutdown, tentative talking, back to normal. Over time, the good times were accompanied with more distance, the bad times became worse. The cycle repeated and repeated.
Love
She told me she loved me regularly, even just last week. I like to believe she did. However when the very people in your childhood that should love you abuse you instead, and when a previous partner abuses you, there must be some question on what the motives are from a new partner that loves you. I loved her. She was suspicious of that. I don't believe she understood the concept of someone loving her without any conditions. I think it was this that lead her to vilification.
Vilification
There was a post recently was about vilification. I was really interested in this post as this was something happening to me on an increasing scale towards the end. I was described as some kind of monster. The person being described was so opposite of me it became bizarre. The last thing was that she was questioning my identity. Saying I wasn't who I said I was, getting her friends to check up on my business, my home, my previous addresses. Everything was in order may I add! But despite overwhelming evidence that there was nothing wrong with my past, she still believed I was some kind of imposter. I feel that projecting a negative image onto me made it easier to justify taking flight. If she saw me as a kind partner, she would not have been able to justify taking flight from the confusing feelings. So, in short, vilify in order to justify running away from conflicting feelings.
Manipulation
This was also a recent thread on the forum. Are people with ptsd easier to manipulate? That got me thinking. Were these bizarre outbursts all coming from her? She has a close friend whom she met at the same trauma support group. This close friend spent lots of time with my ex. Like a mother figure. She has her own issues of addiction and violence (for which she had served time in prison). My ex's mum had issues of addiction and violence. My thinking, whether correct or not is that my ex is playing out the Mother/daughter relationship again with another controlling person. Her friend has most to lose if my ex spends more time with someone else. This is not a definite but just musings in an attempt to understand where the bizarre stuff is coming from.
Blame/Projection
I was blamed for all kinds of things. Some things were justified and I held my hands up. However I was also accused of things that were more akin to the things she was doing. It seemed that she was projecting her issues onto me. It felt very disturbing.
Could not do right for doing wrong / distorted thinking
There were many examples of this but a couple I can recall are:
When things were good, they were really good. We spoke about me moving into her house, She was really supportive at the time and wanted for me to feel at home. She said to organise the kitchen as I liked it so I could fit my things in. We could then move in together so it was a joint home. I thought that was a lovely gesture. I began to rearrange the kitchen in preparation. At this point, I was accused of trying to change her. She distanced.
I had a coffee one day, 3 months ago with her close friend who was trying to sort out a shut down between me and my ex. I tried to get the bill. I was told by her close friend, it was on her and she paid for it. I thanked her for a lovely gesture. This week, 3 months later, I was accused by my ex of being mean when I didn't offer to pay the bill that time, especially as there was food on it too. I offered to pay, there was no food, just coffee.
Two big red flags.
Firstly, Alcohol, addiction and denial. My ex is addicted to alcohol and is in denial. She also smokes weed but I do feel she is genuinely not addicted to that. She is, however very convincing in her argument that she is not addicted to alcohol. She drinks at least one bottle of wine and several beers every night. Sometimes more. She told me it was to help her to sleep and get past the nightmares which is understandable. She said she didn't have a problem with alcohol as she only drank it in the evening. In seven months there were three nights I saw her sober. When she was sober she was on edge and twitching. A bottle of wine and several beers a night is not normal. There is a problem.
Secondly, Not in therapy.....For whatever reason, whether she was not strong enough to go through therapy or if she was in denial about the need for therapy. Without therapy, my ex will not get better. Its a fact.
In closing
In closing I would like to reiterate my ex is not a bad person. She is a good person having a terrible time. I so wished I could help, but her thinking was so skewed it became impossible. I do hope she realises what is happening. I just want her to get help. I just want her to be well.
Please note, these are my experiences only, as a supporter. They are not intended to blame or deride. They are just an overview of what happened. They may not be the experiences of other supporters or sufferers. If that is the case, please be assured there is absolutely no offense intended.
I just wish to iterate that my ex is not a bad person. She is a good person, struggling with a horrible condition. A good person who has had awful things happen in her life. I tried to focus on the good person and still have the image of that good person in my head. I feel sad that I couldn't do more to help, however in the end I learned so much more about the human condition. I learned so much more about myself too.
I will stay on these boards to hopefully offer any insights to fellow supporters and sufferers. Its my way of giving back something positive for all the help and support I have received from the lovely people on here (supporters and sufferers alike). Thank-you so much. xx
Honeymoon period.
There was an amazing honeymoon period. Clarity, fun, spontaneity, trust, love. Three months of perfection. We both said we had found our soulmate. She told me at the very beginning she had CPTSD, from abuse as a child and abuse in a previous relationship. She said her last partner left her because she said she could not handle the CPTSD. I was naive in thinking her last partner could not have been very supportive and when people have issues, support will resolve it. Then out of the blue.........I woke up to find she wasn't there. It was 4am. I went to see where she was. She was asleep on the couch under a blanket. There were two empty bottles of wine at the side of her. I gently asked if she was ok and if she wanted to come to bed. I was so unprepared for what happened next.
Verbal Abuse
A tirade of verbal abuse came back at me. All my deepest wounds and hurts that I had entrusted her with came back at me like weapons. They were sharpened and with an intent to hurt and hurt badly.
Shut down
As soon as morning came, I asked to talk about what happened. She was not listening. Would not talk, directed more vicious words towards me. She got in her car and drove home (160 miles). I'm sure she was over the limit. She did not contact me except for some barbed comments by text.
Research
I was so shocked by what happened. Who was this person in my home? Where did the kind, loving woman go who was there just the day before? While I was shut out, in a desperate attempt to find out what had happened I did some research online. That is when I found this wonderful supportive site. I received some excellent replies to posts, offering insight into what was happening. People giving their time freely. It wasn't always easy to hear was was being said to me, but there was always honesty and a compassion from both supporters and sufferers alike. An eye opener for me was when someone suggested she was abusive. That was hard to hear. Did they know the sweet beautiful person I knew. It was difficult to hear because it was true. I spent more time researching this illness, books, articles and this forum. I gained invaluable insight into what this illness was.
Distancing
There was a week of distancing then some tentative contact. We met up, we talked. She was very rational and very open about what had happened. Ie, her Mum used to force her to go to bed when she was perceived to be in the way. Being asked to go to bed was a huge trigger.
Commitment
I committed to find out all about C/PTSD. So that I was informed, so I could help, so I could try to understand what was happening. So I could be supportive. I told this to her close friend, she derided me. My ex also derided me for it. She said I could never understand it as much as her friends. I continued to read about it and come to this forum but never spoke about it to her any more. The big thing I missed at the time is that my ex did no research on it. She showed no commitment to learning about it and resolving it while I was with her.
The cycle repeated
Things went back to almost a honeymoon period again. Then came another trigger, verbal abuse, shutdown, tentative talking, back to normal. Over time, the good times were accompanied with more distance, the bad times became worse. The cycle repeated and repeated.
Love
She told me she loved me regularly, even just last week. I like to believe she did. However when the very people in your childhood that should love you abuse you instead, and when a previous partner abuses you, there must be some question on what the motives are from a new partner that loves you. I loved her. She was suspicious of that. I don't believe she understood the concept of someone loving her without any conditions. I think it was this that lead her to vilification.
Vilification
There was a post recently was about vilification. I was really interested in this post as this was something happening to me on an increasing scale towards the end. I was described as some kind of monster. The person being described was so opposite of me it became bizarre. The last thing was that she was questioning my identity. Saying I wasn't who I said I was, getting her friends to check up on my business, my home, my previous addresses. Everything was in order may I add! But despite overwhelming evidence that there was nothing wrong with my past, she still believed I was some kind of imposter. I feel that projecting a negative image onto me made it easier to justify taking flight. If she saw me as a kind partner, she would not have been able to justify taking flight from the confusing feelings. So, in short, vilify in order to justify running away from conflicting feelings.
Manipulation
This was also a recent thread on the forum. Are people with ptsd easier to manipulate? That got me thinking. Were these bizarre outbursts all coming from her? She has a close friend whom she met at the same trauma support group. This close friend spent lots of time with my ex. Like a mother figure. She has her own issues of addiction and violence (for which she had served time in prison). My ex's mum had issues of addiction and violence. My thinking, whether correct or not is that my ex is playing out the Mother/daughter relationship again with another controlling person. Her friend has most to lose if my ex spends more time with someone else. This is not a definite but just musings in an attempt to understand where the bizarre stuff is coming from.
Blame/Projection
I was blamed for all kinds of things. Some things were justified and I held my hands up. However I was also accused of things that were more akin to the things she was doing. It seemed that she was projecting her issues onto me. It felt very disturbing.
Could not do right for doing wrong / distorted thinking
There were many examples of this but a couple I can recall are:
When things were good, they were really good. We spoke about me moving into her house, She was really supportive at the time and wanted for me to feel at home. She said to organise the kitchen as I liked it so I could fit my things in. We could then move in together so it was a joint home. I thought that was a lovely gesture. I began to rearrange the kitchen in preparation. At this point, I was accused of trying to change her. She distanced.
I had a coffee one day, 3 months ago with her close friend who was trying to sort out a shut down between me and my ex. I tried to get the bill. I was told by her close friend, it was on her and she paid for it. I thanked her for a lovely gesture. This week, 3 months later, I was accused by my ex of being mean when I didn't offer to pay the bill that time, especially as there was food on it too. I offered to pay, there was no food, just coffee.
Two big red flags.
Firstly, Alcohol, addiction and denial. My ex is addicted to alcohol and is in denial. She also smokes weed but I do feel she is genuinely not addicted to that. She is, however very convincing in her argument that she is not addicted to alcohol. She drinks at least one bottle of wine and several beers every night. Sometimes more. She told me it was to help her to sleep and get past the nightmares which is understandable. She said she didn't have a problem with alcohol as she only drank it in the evening. In seven months there were three nights I saw her sober. When she was sober she was on edge and twitching. A bottle of wine and several beers a night is not normal. There is a problem.
Secondly, Not in therapy.....For whatever reason, whether she was not strong enough to go through therapy or if she was in denial about the need for therapy. Without therapy, my ex will not get better. Its a fact.
In closing
In closing I would like to reiterate my ex is not a bad person. She is a good person having a terrible time. I so wished I could help, but her thinking was so skewed it became impossible. I do hope she realises what is happening. I just want her to get help. I just want her to be well.
