ForgotToLive
Bronze Member
I don't know how to write anything concisely and this situation is so complicated, makes it almost impossible to post. I'm going to do my best to keep it short.
This isn't going to sound pretty but my goal is to find anyone else who has come to the conclusion that their family member committing suicide is the only reasonable solution, for them and for you both... and if so, then how do you cope with the torture of waiting?
I would like to say my goal is to see if anyone knows how to help someone WHO IS AS BROKEN as my sister... But I've just been down that road too many times over too many decades and with my own CPTSD issues, I am at the age (47) where I am worn out, spent ($$) out, and need to preserve my own mental sanity and energy because my daughters need a good mom who doesn't act as a role model of self destructive selflessness and they are my first priority.
My younger sister is more broken than anyone I've ever met. She thinks of me as her mother because I was the one who took care of her and tried to protect and raise her. But I am only 7 years older. It must be confusing for her because I didn't do it out of love. I was acting out of compassion because she was helpless and had no one else to care for or protect her. But I was only 7 and my life was a way bigger living hell than hers ever was. I cried my eyes out when I found out my mother was pregnant with her because my mother after years of being trapped in anew abusive and violent home had only recently started telling me we were going to escape her boyfriend (the main abuser) but once my mother got pregnant she never again spoke of escaping until my little sister was about 2. I don't hold that against my sister. My now deceased mother facilitated the damage of me and my two sisters.
My younger sister is beyond any help I can find. I have tried everything possible multiple times. I financially supported her to keep her off the streets several times, I've taken her to human trafficking meetings, tried to get her to go to therapy, tried to get her to take psych meds... Nothing ever even remotely works. She was diagnosed by her elementary school as having ADHD and I assume she is Borderline Personality too (actually a SafeHouse psychiatrist blurted that out to me after she stalked him on his cell phone to his breaking point) among other things but she must be a lot of other things too because I read posts from people who are diagnosed as Borderline and they all seem to have lives that are dramatically more functional. She is homeless and transient but in a way nobody would understand. She flys from state to state withb her two bags of worldly posessions and never stays anywhere more than a month or maybe two max. Not even long enough to get on welfare or sign up for SSI. She has a daughter, which she thankfully lost custody of. I have fought with CPS to remove her rights but CPS who is notorious for taking kids wants to ignore if abuse is just emotional and neglect. She has been supporting herself as a prostitute since she was a teen. She has been brutally raped and humiliated and choked out and tortured several times. Yet she is kind of addicted to the lifestyle because I think it's the only way she can get affection or acceptance or something plus she has no ability to sustain any kind of normal job or income. She doesn't have relationships, could not even sustain a romantic tie MUCH LESS marriage. Even Captain Save a Hoe type personalities can't cope with her level of hostility and darkness. She walks into a room and it seems as if all the oxygen got immediately sucked up. That's how it was with her father too, which is how she is able to trigger me so extremely badly. It's suffocating to be in the same room with her even if she is doing nothing. Plus she wouldn't understand how to survive on a normal paycheck. She has very minimal tolerance or ability to even sustain daily activities. She has no living skills or ability to make money other than her ability to network and find Johns. She is constantly posting on FB about suicide and it is shocking to me that at 40 years old she has not been successful at it yet.
I am so triggered by her I cannot even hear her voice without having a total shutdown. I once had a 3 year restraining order against her because I was trying to save my toddler niece. (She told her pimp she was going to drown the baby because she couldn't feed her or the baby and the pimp called my other sister who called me) My other sister is largely non-functional too (7 years older than me and also was a prostitute for a long time but got out of it and is much more stabilized now but certainly not "stable") so it all falls on me.
I considered getting a conservatorship but she is mentally ill in a way that is different than anything I've ever seen. You talk to her for an hour and she is extremely intelligent. It's more like her decision process, values, and behaviors are that of a really messed up 14 year old but her intellect is that of a wise 40 year old. She would never be commitable. Plus we rarely even know what state she is in much less which hotel.
Every 3 to 6 months she texts me a very sweet text. It's traumatic for me when they come. She wants the relationship so badly with me. I just cannot cope even for the sake of being compassionate. For instance she once got a second DUI and landed in jail for a bit. At that time she wrote me an 11 page letter. I could not even physically touch the envelope much less know what it said. It took me 7 months to admit to my T that I even had the letter because there was so much avoidance and shame associated with it. Then it took another month or so of me promising each week but failing each week that I would read it. More shame... Finally my T said he would read the letter and tell me if there was anything I really needed to know. I had to trick my husband into putting the letter in a bag so I wouldn't have to touch it to get it to my T's office. I couldn't breath at the idea of even touching the letter. I've come a long way since that and now I can even response to her texts without her knowing how much torture thet are.
In the past, my experience has been that when the people who trigger me pass away, that is the only way I get relief and can be substantially released from dealing with those life disabling triggers. Boundaries are impossible for me when they aren't black and white as in all or none. Thus my either 100% supporting my sister or having a restraining order on her... So by at least responding to texts I'm trying to find some semblance of moderation. But truly she would be so much better off, so much less pain, if she just didn't exist. And I know that deep in my heart which is why I know her eventual suicide is her only hope at peace. I sometimes envision myself at her burial site (if she isn't a Jane Doe) and I finally feel good about being physically near her. I guess this is another form of suicidal ideation, just on behalf of someone else that I want peace for. I had that same deep sense of relief at my mother's funeral and at the funeral of my first love (who hung himself and wrote my name in blood on the wall).
Sorry this is so long. I don't blame you one bit if you don't bother to read it. Plus I would be shocked if anyone can relate anyway. I'm going to change my profile pix now. I feel really exposes but I need to risk posting in case anyone has a messed up relationship with a sibling/daughter like I do.
This isn't going to sound pretty but my goal is to find anyone else who has come to the conclusion that their family member committing suicide is the only reasonable solution, for them and for you both... and if so, then how do you cope with the torture of waiting?
I would like to say my goal is to see if anyone knows how to help someone WHO IS AS BROKEN as my sister... But I've just been down that road too many times over too many decades and with my own CPTSD issues, I am at the age (47) where I am worn out, spent ($$) out, and need to preserve my own mental sanity and energy because my daughters need a good mom who doesn't act as a role model of self destructive selflessness and they are my first priority.
My younger sister is more broken than anyone I've ever met. She thinks of me as her mother because I was the one who took care of her and tried to protect and raise her. But I am only 7 years older. It must be confusing for her because I didn't do it out of love. I was acting out of compassion because she was helpless and had no one else to care for or protect her. But I was only 7 and my life was a way bigger living hell than hers ever was. I cried my eyes out when I found out my mother was pregnant with her because my mother after years of being trapped in anew abusive and violent home had only recently started telling me we were going to escape her boyfriend (the main abuser) but once my mother got pregnant she never again spoke of escaping until my little sister was about 2. I don't hold that against my sister. My now deceased mother facilitated the damage of me and my two sisters.
My younger sister is beyond any help I can find. I have tried everything possible multiple times. I financially supported her to keep her off the streets several times, I've taken her to human trafficking meetings, tried to get her to go to therapy, tried to get her to take psych meds... Nothing ever even remotely works. She was diagnosed by her elementary school as having ADHD and I assume she is Borderline Personality too (actually a SafeHouse psychiatrist blurted that out to me after she stalked him on his cell phone to his breaking point) among other things but she must be a lot of other things too because I read posts from people who are diagnosed as Borderline and they all seem to have lives that are dramatically more functional. She is homeless and transient but in a way nobody would understand. She flys from state to state withb her two bags of worldly posessions and never stays anywhere more than a month or maybe two max. Not even long enough to get on welfare or sign up for SSI. She has a daughter, which she thankfully lost custody of. I have fought with CPS to remove her rights but CPS who is notorious for taking kids wants to ignore if abuse is just emotional and neglect. She has been supporting herself as a prostitute since she was a teen. She has been brutally raped and humiliated and choked out and tortured several times. Yet she is kind of addicted to the lifestyle because I think it's the only way she can get affection or acceptance or something plus she has no ability to sustain any kind of normal job or income. She doesn't have relationships, could not even sustain a romantic tie MUCH LESS marriage. Even Captain Save a Hoe type personalities can't cope with her level of hostility and darkness. She walks into a room and it seems as if all the oxygen got immediately sucked up. That's how it was with her father too, which is how she is able to trigger me so extremely badly. It's suffocating to be in the same room with her even if she is doing nothing. Plus she wouldn't understand how to survive on a normal paycheck. She has very minimal tolerance or ability to even sustain daily activities. She has no living skills or ability to make money other than her ability to network and find Johns. She is constantly posting on FB about suicide and it is shocking to me that at 40 years old she has not been successful at it yet.
I am so triggered by her I cannot even hear her voice without having a total shutdown. I once had a 3 year restraining order against her because I was trying to save my toddler niece. (She told her pimp she was going to drown the baby because she couldn't feed her or the baby and the pimp called my other sister who called me) My other sister is largely non-functional too (7 years older than me and also was a prostitute for a long time but got out of it and is much more stabilized now but certainly not "stable") so it all falls on me.
I considered getting a conservatorship but she is mentally ill in a way that is different than anything I've ever seen. You talk to her for an hour and she is extremely intelligent. It's more like her decision process, values, and behaviors are that of a really messed up 14 year old but her intellect is that of a wise 40 year old. She would never be commitable. Plus we rarely even know what state she is in much less which hotel.
Every 3 to 6 months she texts me a very sweet text. It's traumatic for me when they come. She wants the relationship so badly with me. I just cannot cope even for the sake of being compassionate. For instance she once got a second DUI and landed in jail for a bit. At that time she wrote me an 11 page letter. I could not even physically touch the envelope much less know what it said. It took me 7 months to admit to my T that I even had the letter because there was so much avoidance and shame associated with it. Then it took another month or so of me promising each week but failing each week that I would read it. More shame... Finally my T said he would read the letter and tell me if there was anything I really needed to know. I had to trick my husband into putting the letter in a bag so I wouldn't have to touch it to get it to my T's office. I couldn't breath at the idea of even touching the letter. I've come a long way since that and now I can even response to her texts without her knowing how much torture thet are.
In the past, my experience has been that when the people who trigger me pass away, that is the only way I get relief and can be substantially released from dealing with those life disabling triggers. Boundaries are impossible for me when they aren't black and white as in all or none. Thus my either 100% supporting my sister or having a restraining order on her... So by at least responding to texts I'm trying to find some semblance of moderation. But truly she would be so much better off, so much less pain, if she just didn't exist. And I know that deep in my heart which is why I know her eventual suicide is her only hope at peace. I sometimes envision myself at her burial site (if she isn't a Jane Doe) and I finally feel good about being physically near her. I guess this is another form of suicidal ideation, just on behalf of someone else that I want peace for. I had that same deep sense of relief at my mother's funeral and at the funeral of my first love (who hung himself and wrote my name in blood on the wall).
Sorry this is so long. I don't blame you one bit if you don't bother to read it. Plus I would be shocked if anyone can relate anyway. I'm going to change my profile pix now. I feel really exposes but I need to risk posting in case anyone has a messed up relationship with a sibling/daughter like I do.
