Relationship "unable To Love"?

[Aalexya]

Yes, correct.

It wasn't a comment that he directed at me, as though to say "I think I'm unable to love you"..just in general,apart from his kids, he doesn't feel like he's able to love.
However, after dwelling on this, if he us in fact able to love his kids, doesn't that mean he's capable of loving a woman? Idk

 

[TheMinsterman]

It wasn't a comment that he directed at me, as though to say "I think I'm unable to love you"..just in...

It could be his way of saying he's incapable of loving in a relationship right now, new relationships can be a big change, to people who need to process changes like that in a different way it could be too much, too soon.

 

[Aalexya]

It could be his way of saying he's incapable of loving in a relationship right now, new relations...

Thank you for that feedback. Is it usual to start off talkative, like week 1 was..and then over the coarse of past 2 + wks the amount of conversation thru text has severely deminished to not much at all. He just came out of a week long ptsd struggle and I saw him Friday night and spent the night. We see each other every wkend thus far. But when it comes to keeping in touch thru the day it's a struggle to get him to write anything rly. I do not push him. I do not get mad. I simply wait, wait, and wait. I'm lucky if I get more then a couple sentences from him anymore..and that's usually an hour to several hours in between responses. Yet he's on social media. So idk how to take that. Not gonna lie, it hurts. But I'm doing my utmost best to just try to understand what that could be about.

Any input on that part? It's confusing as ever.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Thank you for that feedback. Is it usual to start off talkative, like week 1 was..and then over the coa...

RE: Social media, during my SO/ExSO's isolation periods, she will play a lot of her game on Facebook, so whilst she's on there it never meant she was necessarily being social with others and not me, she was actually just distracting herself. From what a few say on here too, isolating from you is because you present a lot of tricky emotions their friends simply don't, so they may yet talk to them whilst avoiding you. Key is to not take it personally.

 

[Aalexya]

RE: Social media, during my SO/ExSO's isolation periods, she will play a lot of her game on Faceb...

That's what I keep telling myself. Don't take is personally. But damn is that hard. Lol. It's like every hour of each day is becoming more of a struggle with such bare minimal interaction. As though I do not matter, yet when he wants me there each weekend, I'm there and we are having a nice time.

How best to handle this...just not write him? Always wait for him to reach out? If I did that I'm afraid he'd just stop writing altogether. And go back to being "used to being alone".
Also makes it extra difficult when I have trust issues from past relationships and always being used. Anyone ive ever cared about has used and hurt me. I keep stopping myself as soon as I start to wonder that of him, because it's not fair, not in his case and all, to just assume that. But when I see that he can txt others back shortly after they write (while at his place) or be on media, my mind instantly wonders that and I hate it. I realize that's my own issue but I would think some ppl could relate to those feelings. :(

 

[TheMinsterman]

That's what I keep telling myself. Don't take is personally. But damn is that hard. Lol. It's like ever...

All my other relationships I have been used and I have very bad trust issues, with OCD it's a potent mixture. I sympathise with how you're feeling, it is very difficult, for me this was the one woman who was always a constant and never wavered in what she felt about me, so to see her do so has completely destroyed me and it's been very hard, I won't lie, it still is.

I didn't text mine for a week, she eventually got in touch to see if I'd "forgotten her", they tend to get in touch when they want.

 

[Aalexya]

All my other relationships I have been used and I have very bad trust issues, with OCD it's a pot...

Doesn't that feel like a mind f*** at times? It does for me, especially coming from untrustworthy relationships. On top of just trying to continue to understand and be compassionate, because I want to. .not because I'm forced. ..he has a hard time ever showing affection. Only when intimate does he touch and kiss or when we hug goodbye. So that in itself is really hard because I start to feel like it's only me giving, while he takes. I truly believe he has a good soul, but this part is hard. Plus having to tip toe around what I write or discuss/bring up because of barely communicating...ugh.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Doesn't that feel like a mind f*** at times? It does for me, especially coming from untrustworthy rela...

It can be, I have bad mood swings (in terms of up and then way way way down) and I am still not exactly stable about all this, but I see that I need to focus on myself and trying to learn coping mechanisms, for my own good long term. It's very difficult, and you're going to struggle at first, but if you want to make this a long term relationship, it's sadly something you have to learn. It takes a lot, many people decide it isn't for them and I don't blame them.

 

[Aalexya]

It can be, I have bad mood swings (in terms of up and then way way way down) and I am still not e...

That's how I am. I have really good ups when we are together, then so many downs in between. And I understand that's on me. But I also understand relationships should be give/give. Not just give/take. Now coming to understand more about ptsd, that has greatly helped in understanding why he may not give, has a difficult time. ..I think my struggle is knowing if it's due to the ptsd or just not caring/taking advantage of. ..as much as I don't want to believe that.
Where does one line end and the other begin, or is that a thought I can't rly even consider with this disorder?

 

[TheMinsterman]

That's how I am. I have really good ups when we are together, then so many downs in between. And I un...

It's difficult to discern, but I try to put more stock on how my SO behaves when shes in a calmer spot, she's more able to collect her thoughts and express herself and we both know that she's not fighting a immediate battle right there and then.

It's very difficult to figure out, when I am in a bad OCD spiral for example I may say something, but it's because of how much stress I am under, when I calm down, I will know I "didn't mean it".

I too have big highs when we talk again and massive lows when it all goes quiet. It's a rollercoaster, you have to decide if you want to get off or not, there will be good times and there will be bad, but I think once you start to learn how to navigate these bad spots, you learn, bit by bit.

 

[Aalexya]

It's difficult to discern, but I try to put more stock on how my SO behaves when shes in a calmer...

I'm easily taken advantage of by others because I care a lot and invest a lot of energy into learning who they are and putting their needs at the forefront. Again, I know I'm in control of that but it's part of my empathetic nature. Gets draining trying to figure out if someone (in general) is taking advantage of me or if it's just what they are dealing with. I'm willing to be on that Rollercoaster right now because I don't think it'd be fair, in my mind, to give up after only about a month, simply because of his ptsd. I have my own issues I deal with so I wouldn't find that very compassionate at the moment. I have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, hard time focusing, become obsessive over things and sometimes people, mood swings, mind is in every different direction. So I feel like I can relate to him on a few of those things without dare comparing, but understanding somewhat.

Oh...that's my other question. In the first wk he'd ask me questions about myself. Then it just stopped and he never asks me anything personal. Is that odd?

 

[TheMinsterman]

Not really, my SO/ExSO was always very much into me, wanted to know things, talk etc, in their bad spells it's all about them, recovery and survival, that is their focus and that is where their mind understandably is. It's not meant to be taken personally, but they need to care about themselves right now and focus on that.