Every time I get serious about thrashing out everything that bothers me, really ripping into Pandora's Box instead of just getting a face full of monsters? My mind locks down. Hard.
Symptom free. Memory free. I'm fine.
Gee, brain. Guess you were really serious about this "First rule of FightClub, we do NOT talk about FightClub." business.
Nope. Lock me out of my own house, will you? I think not. Try again. You are my brain, you will do what I want. Obey.
...
In my case I think it's just an emergency self defense mechanism. Some version of disassociation & compartmentalization & denial & WTFO. Not one I'm happy with. Also neither lasting, nor one I'm in control of, like normal compartmentalizations. It doesn't mean I'm better. It does mean I've got a little bit of a break. But I'll get a face full of monsters again, at any time. Not just in response to stress, or triggers, or anything else. The mechanism just sort of randomly shuts off. Usually in a time period of hours/days/weeks. (As opposed to months and years, like when I've compartmentalized on purpose, but the compartments just sort of break down over time or in response to stress/trauma/etc.). And unlike when I was getting symptomatic, it's not a slow leak that gradually grows worse, but more of a "Just kidding!" return of exactly where I was before my mind locked down.
Hopefully it's different for you.
If not? Enjoy the break! Really. First time it happened I was so furious I wasted a helluva lot of time that could have been better spent elsewhere banging on the wall in my head & trying to break it down. Not being in control is (almost) completely unacceptable to me. Taking a step back, breathing, and putting the break to use? Far better time spent. Like using a symptom break during the day to get shit done. Or brace myself. Just on a larger scale.
