Oh Dear, Have I Just Done Wrong?

[scout86]

I wonder when I will believe that is possible to speak without being in trouble, and that there is a way other than enduring and waiting for it to be over?

I honestly think this comes down to 'practice'.

I've spent a lot of my life training horses and kind of had an unofficial specialty with 'problem' horses. What I noticed was, it always works better to teach something the right way the first time. If someone else messes things up, it's always harder to fix it than it would be to just do it right from the start. And, if you CAN 'fix' things, like teach a horse that it's actually ok to trust you, it's hard to get that to stick, easy to undo it, and, under stress, they always tend to revert to the first thing they learned (like 'people aren't safe') unless you're aware of that and get ahead of it. Which isn't always possible.

I think people work exactly the same way. If you start your life learning something is unsafe, it's possible to learn differently, but it's hard. It needs time, patience, and reinforcement. It's easy to undo it. And, somewhere in the back of your mind, the thoughts will probably always be there. You just learn to recognize them more accurately and deal with them accordingly. So, in a way, this experience has been positive. It gave you a chance to assert yourself, with an appropriate outcome. It can serve to prove such things are possible and is another step along the way to getting a better way of seeing things. (I don't think there's any way to predict how long that takes!)

Your husband sounds great!

 

[Freedomfighter]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one,...

Your pain is absolutely understandable, totally. I myself have the same problem but with both genders I am very careful. In my past the crimes of male predators were always followed closely by crimes of female predators.

So I do not trust any gender. I am limiting my contact severely, only allowing to let in what helps me, only allowing to let in who wants to really help me and really cares about me.
Anyone that is not within that circle better stay out. Anyone I do not trust better stay out, your reactions are totally understandable and certainly plausible.

 

[Sideways]

I'm with @scout86 - give yourself time.

One way of looking at this might be: once upon a time, maybe you wouldn't have been able to say "No" in the first place. You've reached a point where that word is starting to come out of your mouth at appropriate times. That's progress - yay progress!

Changing these patterns of behaviour means that we're gradually changing the underlying core beliefs that cause us to behave the way we do. Your core beleifs are at least being challenged, if not evidently shifting, by you now being able to say "No" when something feels unsafe. Big big progress. Yay!!

Doing these things because you're starting to assert your needs, stick with your boundaries, prioritise your own safety - first few times around it's going to feel weird, new, strange. And kinda like when we learn to tie our shoelaces, you look at the finished product and wonder "Did I get that right?" Yet more evidence of your post-trauma growth and healing. Insight as well as prioritising personal safety - That's awesome!

That's lots of big wins from where I'm sitting. Crisis team visiting suggests to me that maybe you might not be in the right headspace to give yourself thumbs up right now, so I'll do that for you (both thumbs up at my end).

No one on this planet gets it right all the time. And when we're in crisis? Even less so. It's okay to question yourself, and it's okay if you screwed up. Super thing is, you didn't screw up at all this time, you did great. Be gentle with yourself:)

 

[Sandstone]

As you say @scout86 and @Gia1019 my husband is great. I was fortunate to meet him and be able to recognise his good qualities, though I didn't realise quite how far they extended. I think his determination to give me what I ask for will be a major part of learning to ask and to speak. Perhaps it is even a good thing that he genuinely has no idea what I need. He isn't set on pushing me down a route, he wants to go the way I want.

Yet even with him, it is so hard to speak about needs. I spend weeks holding on to things instead of saying them. As you say, it is deeply imprinted that it is unsafe and wrong, and sadly much of my current experience is reinforcing that.

Except this time, the incident I've posted about here. It didn't prove to be unsafe, I didn't get punished. I need to hold onto that.

 

[Sandstone]

kinda like when we learn to tie our shoelaces, you look at the finished product and wonder "Did I get that right?"

Like it.
I shall hold onto that as an image, particularly as that was a skill I had to teach myself.

 

[talon]

I'm on daily visits from the Crisis Team at the moment. You get whoever is available, sometimes one,...

No this was insensitive and silly your reaction is / was understandable. I was supporting a lady with DID and had to go away for respite she having 20 alters . I had a distressing message from the 2yr old alter whilst in Spain which distressed and ruined my holiday . Being afraid of a male crisis team member the client switched to a child . The crisis team then humiliated client by stating she was very clever using a mobile phone and that they had never seen such a clever child. Alter referred to the client as mommy . Message I received was man frightened mommy mommy now gone if mommy no come back i won't have no more toys or play please help. This angered me because the team were briefed females only and that client had DID and might become a child. No one should make an apology for their situation you must make the point . Bless you

 

[I_will_recover]

@Sandstone
Proud. I'm just so damn proud of you!