Rape? Difference B/w Saying "no", And Not Saying "yes" - Lots Of Guilt & Shame

[Ozed]

There seems to be a divide in a lot of threads I have read about rape, especially while drunk. Something has come up for me recently in EMDR. An experience resulting in me having a lot of guilt, shame and disgust for years now. I had deeply supressed this memory, but I was able to remember more using EMDR... it just came up while I was processing a different but similar memory. I was 20 and drunk. My best friend's boyfriend started groping me under the table. he was b/w me and my friend. I hated him. so until this night I know I was explicit in voicing my outright dislike and feelings of being uncomfortable around him. he knew it and my friend knew it. Anyway, i pushed his hand away a few times, I know that for sure. then just stopped trying because people were all around us and I was mortified it was happening. and i was drunk and didn't know how to process what was happening so quickly. being drunk i wonder if i led him on? I mean I didn't have much experience and maybe drunk I liked it even though it was him? I doubt it, but maybe. the memory is really fuzzy still - somehow he got me in a bathroom (no recollection of how). I don't know if I explicated said "no," "stop." but it hurt and I remembered feeling really scared and violated and started crying and he wouldn't stop. Rape or not, it wasn't for mutual satisfaction, that's for sure, very crystal clear to me. People started banging on the door and he covered my mouth and looked at me like he would kill me if i moved or said a word. People busted the door down. I guess my friend started looking for her bf, and then ppl noticed I was gone too. connected the dots. it didn't look good, and everyone knew him way better than me so they immediately placed the blame on me. Including my friend. I was humiliated and embarrassed. it's still cringe worthy just typing this. i don't recall how I got home or anything else from that night. I talked to my T and she tried to convey to me it was rape. she asked if I would stop if someone started crying and my answer was an unwavering, Yes, I wold stop. every F**cking time, I'd stop. I'm actually starting to second guess if I really cried or if I was just scared... I'm confused. I feel so much guilt, and like its my fault and maybe its me... not him. maybe i sent mixed messages. I am posting anonymously because I fear some of you are going to be a bit brutal about this actually being my fault. "regret not rape" kind of thing. Which is fine if that's the truth, but a hard pill to swallow i guess. I'd rather you all not know who I am... but i want honest feedback please.

 

[Lutome]

The fine points of determining rape, whether in a social context or in a courtroom, varies a lot from person to person, and jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

If we say that Rape = "sex without consent", that essentially means "were you consenting in your mind at the time?" Only you can answer that. People will have their opinions, but it comes down to what was going on in your mind at the time, and you're the expert there, no one else. If you weren't consenting in your mind, then it's rape. Taking that statement and drawing conclusions about whether that word is "justified" is a matter of opinion.

What stumps me in these conversations is the suggestion that regretting sex afterwards is not a big deal. If it was just "regret sex", then meh, get over it. To me, that's ridiculous.

People wake up the morning after and regret having sex the night before all the time. And often, it's not a big deal. But sometimes, it's a really big deal. Sometimes the emotional fallout from decisions we regret is huge, and that can include sex that we regret.

Easy example? Finding out you contracted HIV afterwards - you're gonna "regret" that sex, and it could very easily set off very serious mental health issues. Do you tell the person who unwittingly contracted HIV "It's just regret sex, get over it"?

Being scared and not consenting don't always go hand in hand. Rape and "sex where I was scared" aren't the same thing. If you feel like you need a label, the question is "was I consenting in my mind at the time?" Only you can answer that.

But either way, if this experience is something that has caused you distress, you don't need a label in order for that distress to be valid. Validation is going to come from you, trusting yourself, knowing that your feelings are valid, whatever label you (or anyone else) might give to this particular experience.

 

[Otu]

I understand how confusing this is for you. I often feel similar thoughts about my abuse cause I didn't say no - I was too scared.

You did not consent and based on what you said, he knew that you weren't consenting. That is rape.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

 

[Husa]

It's horrible and wrong what happened to you.

 

[Lutic]

If the girl says no, so of course it is a rape. Sadly, this is what this piece of shit did to you.

he covered my mouth and looked at me like he would kill me if i moved or said a word.

This proves it even more.

I suggest you to go to the police and explain them what happened. I know it can be hard but this is important for you to do it.
It is important not only for you to get justice but also for other girls he that might abuse in the future.
This guy is completely sick and he will continue to abuse other girls as long as no one went to the police and tried to stop him.
He will never stop and this is probably not the first time he has done that..

 

[Ozed]

I understand how confusing this is for you. I often feel similar thoughts about my abuse cause I didn't say no - I was too...

Thank you for your response. It was helpful. Validating I guess, b/c it feels like rape. but i also feel so guilty and humiliated. I feel so hopeless right now. I know EMDR is helping but it's so painful too. I want to just not feel for once. I feel way too much. all the time. I appreciate your words.

 

[Ozed]

If the girl says no, so of course it is a rape. Sadly, this is what this piece of shit did to you.



This proves it ev...

This happened years ago. I do not want to bring this up, as every witness there would place the blame on me. way too late for that. But thank you for responding and helping me come to grips with this. i appreciate it.

 

[Atek]

It was rape-and in Canada, if someone has sex with you and does not tell you they have HIV-yes, they can be charged with rape, as well as a few other things. There have been court cases about it.

If you are non consenting, it is rape. If you are too drunk to know what is going on, it is rape.

Obtaining consent is a big thing now because it not only makes it clear, it protects your partner as well. It always now comes down to "did you obtain consent?" for a reason. Rape is a fairly new legal crime (is the age of legal prosecution level crimes) and it's still being worked out in the courts with precedents being established regularly just on basic grounds. Heck, some people still think raping your spouse can't be rape, no matter how much they say no, because they're your spouse.

So consent is always. Get consent, give or withhold consent or straight out refuse. If the answer isn't yes-it's rape.

Yes, it may be unprosecuted, that doesn't make it not rape, that makes it not rape with a criminal record.

 

[Ihina]

Sorry :

It makes it rape without a criminal record.

Stupid lack of edit >.<