So Upset With My Therapist And Don't Know What To Do

[barefoot]

Has anyone done monthly sessions when they still had lots of meaty stuff to unpack/process/progress

Actually, I think I might post this as a separate topic as it will be really interesting to hear others' experiences before my therapy session next week.

Hope that's ok with mods but if it feels like I'm spamming the forum with repeated topics, please feel free to delete the other thread!

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's a good question and separate to what's happened now. One thing I was wondering is whether you could use the time with her to have a good planned ending and transition to someone more affordable? I know ideally you don't want to change T but it might free you up from the mire of this relationship?

 

[barefoot]

@Suzetig I get why you say that but having three more sessions/weeks to complete 2.5 years of work - and when we're still right in the middle of so much - with a therapist I'm so attached to just feels so overwhelming. Three hours just doesn't feel anywhere near enough time for me to get my head and emotions around such a huge change. I can't see how I will manage to do that in a positive, productive way.

Up until the money thing came up three months ago, I always felt our relationship was solid. Sure, we'd had the odd rupture along the way, which we'd always then worked through and came out stronger the other side. But I have never even remotely considered working with anyone else because I wanted to keep working with her. I like her, I trust her, she has helped me, she has become (with the exception of my partner) the most important person in my life in many ways. So deciding to just walk away and stop in three weeks time just feels...horrendous!

I don't know whether I should be trying to keep the money/business side and the relationship/work totally separate and that if I can find a way to sort out the money the rest will all settle down and we can carry on positively again. Or whether the impact of the money stuff is showing me that there are more fundamental issues with the relationship that means that I should look to find someone else?

 

[Sandstone]

I was afraid of this, but you and everyone else seemed so positive I thought it was just my cynicism. Your description of the conversation sounded as if you were being clear and direct, but your T was avoiding and squirming, and allowing you to take more of the blame than was reasonable.To refuse to be direct in session and push the delivery of bad news into emails instead , twice, doesn't seem to be modelling good and open communication.

Talking about money seems to be hard for your therapist, and because she works in a high income area, she probably doesn't get a lot of practice. I can't work out why it is such a problem for her, but that isn't actually something you need to worry about. She needs to take it to supervision.

I think trying to separate the money and the relationship is just encouraging dissociation. I'm afraid I agree with Suzetig that you should be using this time to find someone who is more reliable for you.

 

[barefoot]

@Sandstone - you have just broken my heart! :-(
But I do appreciate your honesty, even if I don't like your message.

Maybe it is looking like this is the end of the line with her. And I really haven't seen that coming. I really didn't expect that that's where I would be at this point.

But three sessions to wrap everything up and then I'm going for this surgery, which I'm stressed about...it all feels too much...and I don't see how I can get to a much better place with that situation in just three weeks.

Feel like I need to zone out and have all this just go away...

 

[Suzetig]

I too thought she was being genuine in wanting to work with you ongoing and am sorry that it's come to this.

Hard as it is, if something happened to her - she became ill, had a bereavent or couldn't work you wouldn't have any time to get used to leaving her, sessions would end and you might not have any closure. And you'd cope, with support and care you'd get through it. I'm not telling you to find someone else, just offering that it might do you some good. You know therapy works for you - that talking to some extent helps - and while talking to someone else might feel impossible, look what you've achieved even in the past few months.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

The anticipation of leaving her will be the hardest. Remind yourself that you can always go back monthly if it really feels desperate. See her once or twice after surgery for support.

I can tell from your writing that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You have a very good head on your shoulders. You are facing losing a support right before surgery so you feel vulnerable, but you aren't, you are very strong.

Change is always hard but I believe you will find someone in your price range if you keep looking. I know the stress of leaving a therapist feels devastating but this can be a very healing and growing part of the therapeutic process... for you to see that you can trust and rely on someone new, and you will survive with out this T are very big break throughs.

To answer your earlier questions about monthly therapy, I did it when I first started with PTSD and it was useless. I switched insurance and started 2x a week and after a year I am MUCH better. About to go to once a week.
I'm sorry you have to have that surgery by the way. I had some scary medical things going on related to my ptsd and it was so frightening to do without my therapist.

 

[scout86]

She also said that she cannot continue with this arrangement after my surgery (

This might be just me. I'm wondering what, exactly, she meant by that. For a start, there's a big difference, at least to me, between 'can't' and 'won't'. In your situation, I'd what to know which of those she means. If there is some sort of reason, totally beyond her control, that prevents her from charging what ever she wants to, that's one thing. And a REAL thing. But, if she has some sort of line she refuses to cross, price-wise, to me, that's something different. It means something about HER, and, in your situation, it's something I'd want to know.

You mentioned in your opening post that she said she's not one to leave a client hanging, with unfinished business. And that she charges what she does so she can give people a break when needed. And that she's even done work for free, on occasion. All of that sounds very good, and commendable. At this point, I guess I'd like to ask her if she meant all of that. And, if she did, does the current situation with you mean that she thinks you're fine and good to proceed into the future without her help? Or that she thinks you have more financial resources than you do? Or what?

I don't know that it pays to argue about any of that, but I'd like to. Another approach, which has kind of been mentioned, would be to use the next 3 sessions to help you deal with the surgery, but I'd also explain to her right now that her proposal is beyond your means and you'd like to know if there's any other T's she'd recommend, and ask for help making the transition. Figuring out what you actually can afford, for sure, is smart. And, you can always make a proposal. based on that.

Money makes things complicated for a lot of people. I am self employed and have a fair number of clients. There are times when, if I like someone, and I know they don't have much money, I have a hard time charging them as much for my work as what I know 'the going rate' to be. I usually give them a break, and that actually IS what I'd like to do. I consider it a fringe benefit of being self employed. But, sometimes it's hard to stand up and ask for what is reasonable too. The line between 'clients' and 'friends' gets blurry and that's sometimes a problem. But I'm not a therapist, there aren't the same kind of rules on boundaries and relationships in my profession as in hers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the therapeutic relationship seems complicated, to me, because it FEELS like a personal relationship, but it's really a professional one. I'm totally sure there are personal aspects to it, on both sides. I say that because I have clients I really like and clients I find quite annoying. I'm sure a therapist faces the same thing. And, if you like someone, it's hard not to let some of that filter into the relationship. Maybe it's even an asset when it does. At least sometimes. But then, there are situations like this one, where it gets rather complicated.

I'll quit rambling now! But, I'm sorry this has come up, and continues to be a problem, especially with surgery on the horizon. (You still did good, and you're doing your best now too. Good practice! ?)

 

[Sandstone]

I'm sorry. I didn't set out to hurt you , and I may have been a bit too blunt.
The decision isn't for me or anyone online to make. You know what your experience of therapy has been like in totality, we only know the part you post. That part makes me angry on your behalf. I think you deserve honesty and clarity.

 

[barefoot]

It just feels like she's moved the goal posts in the past two days without any discussion.

That said, when she emailed on Tuesday proposing that, as from our session next day, we do one session a month for £80...I went into an instant frenzy. But when I brought that up in session she said that she had meant that was simply one suggestion for us to consider as an interim option and that we could discuss other options. Hence she then proposed 2 x a month at £50 each. And then she offered the next five (now four) weekly sessions for the one-off £120.

She said we would discuss the next stage of arrangements in one of these next sessions but has now emailed to say her fee from April will be £100. But, perhaps, like in her email the other day, she does still think that, with her email this morning, she has simply got the ball rolling for the next negotiation...?

I don't know. It's so confusing. I just want her to be clear and straightforward!

Having not felt too bad about this early, I now feel really upset and panicked again. I am trying to reign it in and to just wait til I see her next week so that I can bring this up, see if there is room for negotiation and then make a decision. I don't think I can make a proper decision until I have talked to her face to face.

Sorry...this hasn't turned out to be such an inspiring thread after all!

 

[scout86]

Sorry...this hasn't turned out to be such an inspiring thread after all!

Life is messy. Seeing someone (you) work so hard, and bravely, to deal with that IS inspiring. And, as I believe Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over till it's over." Possibly you are, indeed, still discussing options.

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 Yes, we talked quite a bit this week about her sliding scale/what she will work for. She gave me lots of blah about how she works in central London and has high business costs etc. And that different therapists have different costs and different lines when it comes to where they set their rates. Turns out the person she worked with for free was homeless and his life was imploding so she did that to help.

In her email today she said "as discussed, it is not possible for me to move forwards with a fee of £25 a session" (which is what our short term arrangement of sessions this month works out as). And that's fine and I understand that. I just don't understand why flexibility e.g. her previous suggestion of 2 x £50 a session per month now seems to be off the table for when I return after my surgery break and that instead she "will be able to offer a reduced rate of £100 per weekly session from April."

I'm now wondering if she even wants to work with me. I am confident that she likes me and cares about me. I just wonder if she feels a bit stuck with how best to help me now. I think she had hoped my "resistance" would have softened more by now and that dissociation wouldn't still be getting in the way so much. So, maybe she thinks she has done all she can do for me and making herself unaffordable is one (cowardly!) way to get me off on her books so that she can take on someone else who she can help more easily and who can afford to pay her high fees.

I'm self-employed and work with private clients too - on quite personal stuff, though I'm not a therapist. There are some clients you like more than others, some you find it easier/more satisfying/more enjoyable to work with than others, some you would quite like to be friends with but can't be, some who you are willing to cut your fees for because you like them and want to work with them and want to help them out... That happens to me and I get all that and I get that there's relationship stuff and business stuff and sometimes things can get a bit complicated. I'm just surprised that, with all her years of experience, my therapist is dealing with this situation as she is.

As you suggest, I think my best way forward now is to discuss this with her so I know whether there is room for negotiation on the £100 weekly session fee. And I think I also need to talk to her about what we think is possible in terms of our work together/my progress. And then focus on preparing for the surgery. I really don't want to be going into hospital feeling anxious about the surgery and stressed/upset about therapy.

I think that's probably the most I can realistically do in a positive, useful way in the next three sessions.

And maybe the surgery break will be a useful thing. I won't be seeing her for at least a month. It will be interesting to see how I feel then - whether I will be missing her and desperate to go back and continue with the work or whether a break from her means I will be more able to think about ending and trying someone new.