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So Upset With My Therapist And Don't Know What To Do

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Hard as it is, if something happened to her - she became ill, had a bereavent or couldn't work you wouldn't have any time to get used to leaving her, sessions would end and you might not have any closure. And you'd cope,

I know this is right. But, I'm not in that situation here. She isn't now in an emergency situation that is beyond anyone's control. This is a situation that she could be choosing to manage differently. And I think that's one of the things that's so upsetting in all this. That she just seems to be adding to the stress when she could be working with me to ease it.

Reassuring me on Wednesday that we will discuss a new fee arrangement that works for both of us before I have surgery so that I know what I'm doing and won't need to worry and then emailing me two days later saying it will be £100 a session (when I told her on Wednesday that £80 was too much)...she can control that and is choosing to fire off that email and leave me with that information for the next few days.

I don't understand why she would do that. And I guess I need to stop trying to understand because it's not going to get me anywhere and is just going to make me feel more stressed.

But I undersatnd the point you're making.

I'm not actually sure that I have achieved very much in the last few months. I feel like I've been going to therapy every week but that "proper" therapeutic work has been somewhat on hold because things have felt so precarious. I've been thinking that once we've sorted out fees for the future, I can settle back down and get stuck into the work again. So, I haven't really been "going there" all out and now feel like that was a mistake.
 
@Sandstone I know you didn't set out to hurt me and you haven't, so no worries. I just feel sad and anxious about the situation. I want it to all get sorted and be ok and that things can just get back on track with her so we can get back to "normal". And I'm now really starting to seriously think that that's not going to happen and that she isn't going to be my therapist for much longer. And that feels very upsetting.

But I agree with you. I think I deserve honesty and clarity too. And I really, really thought I had that on Wednesday. And now it looks like I didn't. And that feels very hard.
 
This is a situation that she could be choosing to manage differently. And I think that's one of the things that's so upsetting in all this. That she just seems to be adding to the stress when she could be working with me to ease it.
I really get that, and feel some of your frustration. She needs to stop emailing with ever moving goal posts because it's clearly making things worse. You've got time to let things settle - try to give your head a rest?
 
See her once or twice after surgery for support.

Yes, I think this probably makes sense. Sorry to hear you had a bad surgical experience and didn't have the support of a therapist to help you through it. I hope you had support from elsewhere/others and that you're doing well post-surgery.

And thanks for sharing your experience of monthly sessions. That's kind of what I expected...hmm...
 
She needs to stop emailing with ever moving goal posts

Yes...moving the goal posts is the key thing that's driving me nuts here. And her doing it on email (and she's generally not much of an emailer!) and then me just having to sit with that and not lose my mind for several days until I go to see her again is very anxiety-making. I'm finding it very difficult to regulate myself even though I know that I'm not helping myself keep going over it all.

Going to try to distract myself for a while...
 
This is going to be long, sorry...but I would really appreciate any thoughts as I'm in a real state ab...
Wow, it must feel like she pulled the rug out from under you. I'd be terribly distraught if that happened to me. With PTSD, we already have trust issues and we rely on that therapeutic relationship.

I would do a couple things:
1)Make a mental note of what happened or journal about it. It sounds like the situation triggered you and it could give you insights into your triggers and keys for your healing.

2) Write out a contract, wishlist or set of rules for therapy, that if followed would result in the best path for your healing and avoidance of future triggers. This will help you better understand what you need within the patient-therapist relationship so that you can communicate the things you need in the future.

I personally have great difficulty in situations where I feel my trust has been betrayed by someone in authority or someone I go to for help. For that reason, I have written out a "patient bio" that I can give to any new person who I go to. It explains my background, motivation for healing, and key thinks I need in order to feel safe and not triggered. I have written that I am able to pay but I am sensitive about how a therapist asks for payment. I understand this is the therapists source of income but I don't want to feel like a dollar sign. I once had a flashback because I thought I was having a consultation with a new therapist but she asked for payment in a really strange way.

3) Based on what you described, it sounded like seeing your current therapist once a month would not be constructive for you. (I'm actually angry on your behalf that the therapist suggested that.) I wouldn't burn any bridges with her but I would cut your losses. I would look for someone else who uses a sliding fee. In the US, there are many places that do this. Also research to see if there are free resources. If your trauma was the result of a crime, there may be a nonprofit organization that can help you. If it was the result of military service, check with those types of organizations. You can also call free hotlines in a pinch just to talk to someone. Don't expect them to be as good as a therapist and tell them clearly what you need. "I just need someone to listen and validate how I'm feeling." Or "I need encouragement." Etc.

I have not read through the whole thread yet. If you haven't done so already please keep us posted on how you're making out. Please especially focus on self care, taking it easy, and giving yourself plenty of love and compassion. I am sending thoughts of comfort, love and wisdom to you.
 
Hi @barefoot , I have a slightly different take on this.. if you knew for certain the increased income was confirmed, you might lkely remain there, 'full time', without these questions. Without the guarantee, you may decide to look elsewhere, and yet still have the money come through, but by then not want to choose to go back (were it not for this circumstance).

JMHO, I think it's up to us entirely to do the work on ourselves, our truama. But that should not have to include (for money or not), pleading to be heard, or to tell your story, nor dealing with avoidance, which whatever the reason tends to leave only one message behind.

Best wishes to you, and with your surgery, xox. :hug:
 
This is going to be long, sorry...but I would really appreciate any thoughts as I'm in a real state ab...
why are you paying should be free in the UK and she should not have raised your anxiety levels this way. I suggest you write your MP its a disgrace and MH high on the agenda so apply pressure. Also easy to start a petition . keep me posted
 
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It's incredibly difficult to get any kind of face to face therapy on the NHS much less long term therapy. NHS provision for mental health is a real postcode lottery and mostly short term unless you're truly in a bad way.

Most people I know who access therapy in the medium to longer term do so via voluntary organisations or privately.
 
Just catching up with this thread. @barefoot I am so sorry for your situation. You seem like a well educated individual and so I don't want to reiterate what others have said or rehash it for you. All I can see from what I've read is that you put your trust in this T to follow through on her word when all along she did mislead you in order to ensure that you didn't think sooner of finding a potentially more suitable long-term T. She manipulated you in probable hope that you would develop that attachment and do whatever you could not to lose it after putting so much work into the relationship on your own end, sharing all that you have etc. I know how hard it is, that therapy breakup. It is literally as bad if not worse than a long-term romantic relationship end imo. I did it once for financial and other reasons. At the time, I felt as though nothing could ever replace her. I was almost willing to sacrifice everything else in order to afford her. Even though I have to say she was very very reasonable about negotiating a low fee, I was just in such a bad place I had to go onto a public waiting list altogether. But I will sat that until you step back and get some time and breathing space, you can't look at it from a truly objective place. I initially felt hopeless without that T. After a long grieving process I now see how unhealthy and dependent my thinking was. Not that I'm saying you're carrying any dependence or unhealthy dependence. I guess I'm trying to make the point that stepping back can be surprisingly positive. You get more clarity than you do while head deep in it all. At the end of the day I knew I always had the option to return to that T because she was private without a real waiting list. I think your T is very clever about how she makes you feel like it's all you. It's kind of like motivational interviewing where you want the other person to agree with you but you want them to feel so empowered that they come away thinking they came up with the idea themselves. She tells you you can figure it out together when the time comes should you wish to continue with her. She knew the minute you got into your history with her that you were committed to her long-term. There was never a question of your choosing whether or not you wished to continue. You sought assurance regarding that being realistically possible given her fees. She definitely misled referencing free cases, as if it's not applicable to you she's wasting air time digressing on this. Therapists know how to keep to the point. Imo, she used every trick in the book to ensure you stuck with her as long as you did. I am sorry to be so blunt. Of course this is just my interpretation. I will say though, change can be a good thing. I realised my first T wasn't the only person I could ever connect with, as I had believed her to be. My current T is not paid by me yet she'll take my call anytime of the week and actually has been much more responsive to me where I need her to be and less overwhelmed than my private T.

I really wish you the best and hope that you can get a chance to close the sessions for now and find somebody more suitable, if that's what you choose to do. You have so much going on with impending surgery etc. Please be kind to yourself and make sure you avail of as much support as you can from resources such as your partner.

Big hugs if you'll accept.

I can't seem to edit my post but apologise for the typos! I meant unhealthy transference* not dependence*!
 
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Wow! @barefoot I'm just catching up on this thread. I don't really know what to say. I'm so thankful for all the support you're receiving from the forum members. It's actually overwhelming to see just how supportive and involved the connections are here. At least it is for me.

I have to say though... You're A LOT stronger than you feel. Every word you've answered, input, information, thought - good or discouraged shows just how clearly you're thinking. You probably don't see it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one noticing this. You've put a lot of emotional energy into all this. You're probably exhausted of the whole ordeal and just wish it was over. I can't imagine handling this or sorting through it the way you have.

I do think overall, your perspective is very blurry with so many changing details. Important details. Yet at the same time, each answer I see here shows more and more backbone getting stronger in you. I think whatever decisions you come to, things will slowly fall into place - even if it's not the outcome you'd like to see.

So many people standing behind you. My flag is still waving for you. You're a champion. Some self-soothing care might be the best thing for you right now.
 
I am so sorry. First I do have to disagree with some comments that therapy is a scam or that no other field would do this. That is not true. I am a therapist and I would never do that. And believe me doctors and lawyers etc. would. But I also know that some therapists obviously do.

That being said, I think it was pretty unconscionable. 80L sounds sufficient to me. I charge $160 american and I see people for $50 when I've committed to them and have charged as much as little as $20 for people, again, to whom I have committed and need my help to that degree. This is just to say that a commitment is a commitment. I understand you are embarrassed but I think your offer is quite reasonable.

On a personal note, I would be devastated. I've had a hard enough time when a therapist went back on a promise to have contact with me when she was on vacation. Especially because she presented it in a cheery unempathic way. I completely went into a freeze mode of terror. I would see her and confront her about this. I also think this counts as abandonment. Once a month for what we deal with is ridiculous and finally telling you in an email is a total cop out. I'm so so sorry. Mental health gets such short shrift.

Just know we are all thinking about you. I don't know how the medical system works in England, but is it possible to find another therapist that is willing to provide services on a sliding scale fee. In america she would be responsible for finding you one - and in the state I live in she would be responsible for finding you 3. Especially with that much notice. You feelings are justified. I would ask her to find you a therapist, or help you to find a therapist in your financial range. I would explain that she wasn't straight up with you and it is only fair. Again, that is easier said than done, so I realize it might be too hard.
 
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