But instead it sounds like you're contacting him in the hopes he'll apologize, and maybe that's why he freaks out about this -- because he senses that you want him to apologize and he hasn't calmed down enough to do that yet.
You may very well be right that I've already fallen into the co-dependent trap. When I contact him it's not so much wanting an apology from him, it's trying to rectify and clarify something he got immensely ticked off by, as well as having my feelings heard. A bit like seeing that there has been a misunderstanding, paired with wanting to explain to him that there's no talking to me like that. But you are right, a less co-dependent reaction would be to hang up, seethe in silence, and let him come to me. It's hard though, waiting around like that for a situation to resolve - it doesn't seem healthy or fair either.
But you want to drag each individual piece out, are in fact clinging to them for days?
Haha, Friday, that convo you played out made me chuckle. Nah, that's not really how our conversations go. To be fair, he doesn't call me names or says one horrible thing that I get ticked off by and have to take him to task for again and again, it's a little more complicated than that. And he also doesn't really stop himself and remove himself. If you have the patience, here's a rundown of how our conversation will go. It's okay if it's too much to read...it's helpful enough for me to just write it out.
This is an example of a convo we had a few weeks ago, the first of its kind - so there is no history as to me being controlling or surveilling him, it came out of the complete blue. He is out with his work colleagues, celebrating a promotion (yay!), and it's getting late. FYI, we're long distance and constantly (and I mean constantly) texting and updating each other about what we're up to:
It's 12.00 am, I'm ready to go to bed, haven't heard from him since around 7 pm, which is very odd.
ME (text): Hey, hope you're having a good night. It's weird not to hear from you.
Nothing for 15 mins (which is weird, because he's glued to his phone)
Me (text): Hello?
Nothing
15 mins later I call, worried and pretty weirded out
Doesn't pick up
I call again
Finally, he picks up
Him: Hi, yes, I'm just leaving the bar now
Me: Oh, hm, okay. What's going on?
Him: (Snidely) Nothing is going on, Hojay, I just wanted to have a good night
Me: Yes, of course you should celebrate, but can you understand I'm a bit weirded out. In the 2 years we've been together you've never not written this late at night and/or not replied when I've written you. I was worried.
Him: Oh really, really Hojay, you're worried? How about when you were gone for work the last 2 weeks and didn't write me and [insert deflection, accusations]
Me: That's not what happened. And I think that's an unfair comparison, and I also didn't know that hurt your feelings. But either way, it's weirding me out even more now that you're getting irritated and deflecting to what I have done.
Him: IM NOT DEFLECTING, YOUR BLAMING ME FOR SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE YOURSELF [ANGER, SCREAMING, DEFLECTION!]
Me: I'm not blaming you, I was just weirded out, can't you understand?
Him: CANT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL, IF I JUST WANT TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, AND NOW THIS AGAIN?!
Me: What again?
Him: NOW I HAVE TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AGAIN
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't think that's my fault. But let's breathe together and calm down. (A lot of training went into me dropping the bait and focusing on him calming down.)
Him: NO, YOU'RE JUST BLAMING ME, I JUST WANTED TO HAVE ONE GOOD NIGHT, SCREAMING, YELLING, ANGER, "I'M DONE!" I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. AGAIN, AGAIN, NOW THIS AGAIN.
Me: I'm sorry you're having a panic attack now. I think this is about something else, and you're getting worked up about something that you're misunderstanding.
Him: NO YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME, AND NOW THIS AGAIN. [SCREAMING, RANTING, ACCUSATIONS]
Me: I don't think it's fair to make me responsible for your panic attacks.
Him: I'M NOT BLAMING YOU
Me: It sounds like it.
Him: SCREAMING, RANTING. YOU NEVER LET ME CALM DOWN. Hangs up.
And hour later, I write, "Are you okay?" or, if his "I'm done" sounded particularly worrying, I'll call, and check if he's stable enough or if I should call someone. Me contacting him is, sooner or later, interpreted as not letting him calm down. Okay....
Next day or a few days later, he's calmed down. Maybe he says, I'm sorry for flipping out. I say, well, it's not okay, but I do understand.
Me: But do you now see why I felt the way I felt, and that I was a bit weirded out?
Him: Well, Hojay, the problem is that you don't let me calm down.
Me: I think the problem of me not letting you calm down comes after you have flipped your lid at me, so maybe we should talk about that first?
Him: ANGER, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME, ME ME ME ME ME ME. YOU NEVER LET ME CALM DOWN.
So here I am, getting blamed for not letting him calm down (in a conversation he himself engaged with and escalated) having to talk about how that's the main problem, while getting no real conversation about the fact that he majorly flipped his lid and deflected. Never mind my ACTUAL problem and weird feeling about him not getting in touch or responding to me that night. Maybe I did overreact and wasn't super pleasant about a situation that meant nothing (him not getting in touch,) but hell if that's not a normal relationship tiff that doesn't need to turn into THIS!
It's not about getting his apology. It's about being heard and having my feelings and perspective treated with respect, while also not being asked to take responsibility for his panic attacks. Even if I'm wrong about something, even if I overreacted, it just can't be that his issue overshadows the things he does that damage our relationship and that perpetuate the problem.
Man, felt kind of good to write that out. This is helping. Thank you for your patience...if you got this far.
