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Deleted member 28403
So sorta like a rock, throw it in the blender and it breaks the blender and comes out fine, but leave it outside in the calm, and over time it will be destroyed.
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So sorta like a rock, throw it in the blender and it breaks the blender and comes out fine, but leave it outside in the calm, and over time it will be destroyed.
Hey Saelben,
what Gia said makes sense. The survival mode can be a comfortable state of mind, because we are familar with it, its something our brain is use to. Just like you said, I use to work 8 hours just getting a 4-5 hour sleep. There is this somewhat corny saying “the body knows the truth“ and it 'll make you realize that there is a limit.
what Gia said makes sense. The survival mode can be a comfortable state of mind, because we are familar with it, its something our brain is use to. Just like you said, I use to work 8 hours just getting a 4-5 hour sleep. There is this somewhat corny saying “the body knows the truth“ and it 'll make you realize that there is a limit.
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- #15
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Deleted member 28403
Yea; I get told that stuff a lot, but honestly, I feel bad when I stop...
I'm not sure if you've had repeated traumas or high stress over long periods of time, but for me being is survival mode is kind of a protective thing because it helps me be prepared and better able to deal with whatever I will have to deal with.
Do you identify with that at all @Saelben ?
Do you identify with that at all @Saelben ?
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- #18
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Deleted member 28403
Repeated traumas and constant high stress.
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- #19
D
Deleted member 28403
Could you elaborate?
I will try, we know our survival tactics, coping mechanisms to get through. The warzone calls for us at times, there is an assumption, that we keep on fighting to get a different result. For me, this apply's on some areas. I repeat, to get a better or just another outcome. What you already know works well, but that has a limit, until your body sends the signals. I dont want that to happen again. Does this make sense?
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- #21
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Deleted member 37085
@Saelben Hi
You know I could never understand until recently why I was drawn to jobs that involved me being directly in critical mass working conditions, working relationships, and work environments. For example, I've worked in a couple of hospitals; I was E.M.T. certified; I volunteered in two different emergency rooms and saw things that would make most people withdraw and pull away - I would be stoic and downright bulletproof emotionally and in just about every other way, as well. And I would volunteer to go into death rooms with spouses at hospitals. I wanted to be front and center. I know now looking back that my mind and brain (chemically) were re-enacting and re-creating just as member said here similar past emotionally and psychologically highly-charged scenarios from my past.
I only knew how to exist in highly-electrifying and intense environments. I was raised in them. I felt uncomfortable when I was working anywhere that did not re-create for me this exhausting, high-pitched, and high-energy yet severely draining work atmosphere. Does this make sense to you? For I get it now, why I run not walk - run away from loud anything; high-intensity situations, confrontations that are ridiculous and stress-causing; and I spend a lot of time isolated and trying to create a quiet environment for me now.
Totally opposite from when I was oblivious to why I was drawn to such high-drama type work environments and even high-drama people and former friends, as well. They were always an intense draw for me. The more intense and high drama back then, the better for me to be able to adapt and feel like I belonged there. Wild! But true. Bosses that made me feel the similar type of fear that I had for child-molester, dad, mom, baby-sitter, step-monster (mutha) etc. had made me feel. Well, @Saelben, I was like a moth to the flame. I chose bosses to work for that expected the impossible from me; perfection from me and were very overly-demanding of my work, a few I chose to work for were downright borderline . I chose them. And this in turn created high stress and anxiety and familiar territory emotionally and mentally for me @Saelben.
Also, I have seen car crashes after the fact where people were smashed to the pavement and I went down front and center to look and stood there just staring at the gore and mess of disemboweled people; been to funerals and did not look away (although bothered me only recently looking back) and viewed people I knew with their open coffins that looked like monsters and I did not look away, the families wanted coffins open. I had to see; front and center not for the macabre disturbing disfiguration of dead people's images, no, because for me, all this hyper-arousal, etc. (again in hindsight now) had connected me back somehow to my past hyper-arousal, -hyper-vigilance, etc.
Point I am desperately attempting to make is @Saelben that because I had been exposed (hindsight now) all throughout my life to so much constant extreme trauma and hyper-arousal, etc. that as I began growing up I chose to be around environments and atmospheres that in some manner, shape, form, or fashion re-created the high intensity and super adrenaline rushes that I'd experienced in childhood that either caused me to dissociate and/or to freeze and only be able to scream and sh** myself. Until finally on January 18, 1996, I crashed and burned. I understand now. I do not have to re-create what I was forced to live in even though I functioned so well under this type of emotional instability. Now, you may not relate to any of this at all. And if this is the case, I understand. I just had to post what I had just recently and also through these postings had and now full circle have discovered about me regarding this post to you @Saelben.
I was able to take at a company here locally (I was cover and gave potty breaks) that averaged 1,000 calls per day on their complex phone system these calls and route them very successfully; also did this at two other rather prestigious companies here - also on their phone switchboard turrets @Saelben. I was cool, calm, and water off a duck's back in these high-drama and intensity work environments. H***, I even hot-walked thoroughbreds out at Keeneland and did not know one thing about hot walking horses. I was in no fear initially of these huge beautiful creatures. High-drama and I thrived back then in high-voltage work and personal relationships @Saelben.
Only in looking back after reading your post and other posts here am I fully realizing that the adrenalin and endorphins, etc. rush and surge I would get handling this type of extreme stress at work. Also, only this type of high-stress hyper-vigilant type of work was all back then I was interested in seeking out and being a part of. Anything else was looking back now not enough stress, not enough of what has already been said here in these posts and that being familiar full on anxiety and high-octane stress. I wholeheartedly without being conscious of the fact, I was trying to recreate stress and anxiety levels that I had been exposed to for so long most all of my life. Thank you for your post Saelben, for you and members here who have answered you sure have helped me process so much here. I only hope you get one tiny morsel of understanding and personal relatability out of what I have shared here. For this is my sole reason for posting. JJ
You know I could never understand until recently why I was drawn to jobs that involved me being directly in critical mass working conditions, working relationships, and work environments. For example, I've worked in a couple of hospitals; I was E.M.T. certified; I volunteered in two different emergency rooms and saw things that would make most people withdraw and pull away - I would be stoic and downright bulletproof emotionally and in just about every other way, as well. And I would volunteer to go into death rooms with spouses at hospitals. I wanted to be front and center. I know now looking back that my mind and brain (chemically) were re-enacting and re-creating just as member said here similar past emotionally and psychologically highly-charged scenarios from my past.
I only knew how to exist in highly-electrifying and intense environments. I was raised in them. I felt uncomfortable when I was working anywhere that did not re-create for me this exhausting, high-pitched, and high-energy yet severely draining work atmosphere. Does this make sense to you? For I get it now, why I run not walk - run away from loud anything; high-intensity situations, confrontations that are ridiculous and stress-causing; and I spend a lot of time isolated and trying to create a quiet environment for me now.
Totally opposite from when I was oblivious to why I was drawn to such high-drama type work environments and even high-drama people and former friends, as well. They were always an intense draw for me. The more intense and high drama back then, the better for me to be able to adapt and feel like I belonged there. Wild! But true. Bosses that made me feel the similar type of fear that I had for child-molester, dad, mom, baby-sitter, step-monster (mutha) etc. had made me feel. Well, @Saelben, I was like a moth to the flame. I chose bosses to work for that expected the impossible from me; perfection from me and were very overly-demanding of my work, a few I chose to work for were downright borderline . I chose them. And this in turn created high stress and anxiety and familiar territory emotionally and mentally for me @Saelben.
Also, I have seen car crashes after the fact where people were smashed to the pavement and I went down front and center to look and stood there just staring at the gore and mess of disemboweled people; been to funerals and did not look away (although bothered me only recently looking back) and viewed people I knew with their open coffins that looked like monsters and I did not look away, the families wanted coffins open. I had to see; front and center not for the macabre disturbing disfiguration of dead people's images, no, because for me, all this hyper-arousal, etc. (again in hindsight now) had connected me back somehow to my past hyper-arousal, -hyper-vigilance, etc.
Point I am desperately attempting to make is @Saelben that because I had been exposed (hindsight now) all throughout my life to so much constant extreme trauma and hyper-arousal, etc. that as I began growing up I chose to be around environments and atmospheres that in some manner, shape, form, or fashion re-created the high intensity and super adrenaline rushes that I'd experienced in childhood that either caused me to dissociate and/or to freeze and only be able to scream and sh** myself. Until finally on January 18, 1996, I crashed and burned. I understand now. I do not have to re-create what I was forced to live in even though I functioned so well under this type of emotional instability. Now, you may not relate to any of this at all. And if this is the case, I understand. I just had to post what I had just recently and also through these postings had and now full circle have discovered about me regarding this post to you @Saelben.
I was able to take at a company here locally (I was cover and gave potty breaks) that averaged 1,000 calls per day on their complex phone system these calls and route them very successfully; also did this at two other rather prestigious companies here - also on their phone switchboard turrets @Saelben. I was cool, calm, and water off a duck's back in these high-drama and intensity work environments. H***, I even hot-walked thoroughbreds out at Keeneland and did not know one thing about hot walking horses. I was in no fear initially of these huge beautiful creatures. High-drama and I thrived back then in high-voltage work and personal relationships @Saelben.
Only in looking back after reading your post and other posts here am I fully realizing that the adrenalin and endorphins, etc. rush and surge I would get handling this type of extreme stress at work. Also, only this type of high-stress hyper-vigilant type of work was all back then I was interested in seeking out and being a part of. Anything else was looking back now not enough stress, not enough of what has already been said here in these posts and that being familiar full on anxiety and high-octane stress. I wholeheartedly without being conscious of the fact, I was trying to recreate stress and anxiety levels that I had been exposed to for so long most all of my life. Thank you for your post Saelben, for you and members here who have answered you sure have helped me process so much here. I only hope you get one tiny morsel of understanding and personal relatability out of what I have shared here. For this is my sole reason for posting. JJ
- Post starter
- #22
D
Deleted member 28403
So basically, I have a need to keep going, till I actually am not capable of going on any further, aka, full crash?
ladee
VIP Member
Well ideally..you will reach a concious decision to start slowing down some and start putting other thigs in the space of hyper crisis.
I know I fought off depression this way too.
But crashing puts you back to square one..
That's where as you slow down some...you replace all that chaos with something else.
You made a friend a shredder shaped like a guitar!..that is a constructive space filler..you had to put thought and all the things you are so good at..to designing and producing it.
I guess we all try to outrun our demons Sael...until we just can't any longer. But you can be busy and still heal.
Staying with it until it gets better or different is hard for everyone of us.
You will probably be a busy man. That is partly how you deal with the pain. But if you can learn how to deal with it in small chunks..it will be more managable.
I hope this made sense.
If not..ask questions.
I know I fought off depression this way too.
But crashing puts you back to square one..
That's where as you slow down some...you replace all that chaos with something else.
You made a friend a shredder shaped like a guitar!..that is a constructive space filler..you had to put thought and all the things you are so good at..to designing and producing it.
I guess we all try to outrun our demons Sael...until we just can't any longer. But you can be busy and still heal.
Staying with it until it gets better or different is hard for everyone of us.
You will probably be a busy man. That is partly how you deal with the pain. But if you can learn how to deal with it in small chunks..it will be more managable.
I hope this made sense.
If not..ask questions.
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- #24
D
Deleted member 28403
Yea, I understand what you mean :hug: But I have a feeling as if this is damaging me less, in a way, and also, I do not have too much control over the situation, so the chaotic situation has been on me for a long time now. It's just that I'm observing I can manage better while in it.
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